so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.