I’m not going to write about how much I suck, because I am actually feeling quite proud of myself for all of the things that I have been doing, but I do think I still have plenty of room for improvement, and one of those areas involves writing regularly and keeping myself in check. This morning I had told myself that I was going to quit smoking, but of course, I woke up wanting a cigarette. I suppose I knew better, as I have had more success in the past if I put the patch on before I go to sleep so I don’t have that massive craving for nicotine first thing in the morning, but I was trying to be miss smarty pants and show my willpower and I lost. That sort of set the day off on on a less than ideal route and I’ve been lounging around reading all afternoon.

One thing is for sure, I am going to bed by 10pm tonight. I really want to head for bed around 9pm and be asleep by 10, but I absolutely need to wake up at 8am tomorrow to start my day and that is going to be difficult unless I just can’t stay asleep anymore. This is called adjusting your sleep schedule by brute force.

I wrote that earlier in the day and became sidetrack, It’s now 8:49pm and I am about to get ready for bed. I am disappointed in myself that I had such a lazy day and didn’t accomplish much, but I did read some good material, have some good meditations, and I feel rejuvenated and ready to start the week with a kick tomorrow morning.  I have pilates at 9am so I want to wakeup at 8 and eat breakfast around 8:15am. I am curious to see what the pilates class will be like and I hope that it is challenging. I think I should also plan to walk on the treadmill for at least half an hour. Otherwise, I should do the EFX. We’ll see how I am feeling based on the class.

After that I have a block of 7 hours and in that time I think I need to focus specifically on getting all of these eBay items listed and packed away. I should also unlock the iPhone with the latest software and reduce it’s listing price to something a bit lower. That will be the focus of the day and everything else needs to be turned off so I can just get it done. I read some motivational ideas on productivity today and have come across some inspirational sites in the last few days so I think everything is on track as it should be.

Aside from the smoking. I need to stop. I have to stop. I want to stop. So why do I continue? All of these things are crutches. They are just here to give me a false sense of confidence and control when they are the things that are really controlling me. Food and Cigarettes are my nemesis, yet I cling to them. I have been a lot better about eating. I have been losing weight and I think I will achieve my goal of being under 200 by the end of the month. So yay!

I want to lose a minimum of 10 more pounds before I go back to LA, but of course, I would prefer to work my ass off and lose more like 15-20. I know I can do it if I do all the right things, and I need to be doing those anyway to achieve 10, so why not shoot for more? I’m ready to be over this obsession with my body and just love it and take care of it. I know what it righteous and what is not, so why keep falling victim to the weakness?

I am ready to take over the world in my own way and tired of feeling like I have to hide myself. I hide myself and shy away from things because I am not confident in how I look. I am so exhausted from being overweight and unhappy with my body and how it effects every single thing I do every day and every hour of my life? I want to feel proud of everything I do and everything that I am, including my body, my work, my dreams, my motivations, everything. I can’t do that until I honor the commitments and keep the promises that I make to myself.

Tonight I am going to go to bed with a patch on. I am going to complete the 8 week program and not smoke a single cigarette. No cheating, no puffs here or there. No exceptions. I can do this. I know that it will be better for my body. I know that it will be better for my mind. I know that it will be better for me financially. There is no reason NOT to quit smoking cigarettes, other than I am addicted and it is a crutch. I will NOT use smoking as a crutch any longer. I want my lungs to be clear and free and I do not want to have the chest pains that I have been experiencing today. I am getting older and I cannot afford to continue on with these bad habits. I am just opening myself up to having more diseases and if I don’t try to reverse this now, I could not have as full and long of a life as I would like. Three of my grandparents died early of disease and I do not want the same to happen to me – or my parents.

While I am here I want to set a good example for my father and make an impact on him. It hurts me to see him smoking and drinking so much. He doesn’t get out of control or abusive or anything, but I know it is not good for his health. He doesn’t need to do it, but he’s retired now so maybe he is bored. Whatever the case may be, I don’t want to smoke anymore because I don’t want him to smoke anymore and I think I am being a hypocrite if I tell him not to smoke while I am continuing to smoke away. I don’t want my mother smoking either. It’s a terrible habit. I could sit here and blame them for allowing me to develop the habit, but ultimately I did it to myself. I don’t know if I would have become a smoker had they not been smokers when I was growing up, but I think it certainly contributed to my addiction and my belief that it was okay to be a smoker.

Writing is what I need to be doing so badly now. I need to just get this out of my head and into words. It helps me sort things out and stay on track. Developing the habit is always the hard part, but once it’s there, it is such a great tool for me. I have been thinking a lot about my weight and my body. Thinking about the fact that I really am getting older. I don’t have unlimited time and I need to stop being so consumed by this struggle. I know deeply within myself that I can achieve whatever I desire, but there is obviously something about this particularly hurdle in my life that I keep tripping on every time.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.