i feel like no one but my family really loves me… and even then i think a few of those are out of obligation. it’s hard to love the fat girl that doesn’t love herself. i’m the fattie that always seems to be trying so hard to connect with others and failing miserably. i feel like i was only invited to this wedding out of obligation, not because we are even still friends. i can’t fake and pretend like someone is my best friend when i barely speak to them and even more when they don’t return my calls. some people obviously are much better at pretend world and as a result are going to be bridesmaids in said wedding. some people are obviously much better at getting people to pay for things and buy them things. not that i’m trying to do that, but it’s remarkable how some people manipulate others into financing all sorts of things, yet i try asking directly and honestly and it’s ignored. apparently she really doesn’t care about me at all or want me there. or maybe she is just so busy with the wedding she can’t think about it. or whatever. and maybe i don’t care about her, more about the big to-do, the luxury, extravagance of it all. truthfully, it’s not just the fact that the last minute transportation made it financially impossible for me to attend, but that i am insecure about how i look, what i would be wearing, and not being happy about it.

i had those anxieties even when i thought i WAS going. i was concerned about being around my old smoking friends, i was concerned about being the fat one, and i was concerned about spending an arm and a leg on a dress i was not comfortable in. so it’s probably better that i am not going, but i do wish i could be there to experience this special day. more than anything i wish i could feel confident and happy and full of joy on this day instead of feeling like an unconfident mess. i am so tired of feeling this way. i am so tired of being fat and so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. every public event i go to leaves me feeling this way – from my own birthday party to a simple evening out on the town, i always feel depressed and anxious about my appearance.

it’s really unhealthy. i am really unhealthy. i am obsessed with not being fat to the point that i probably make myself fat. i don’t focus on being healthy, i focus on getting the weight off and how life will be so much better when i’m not fat. being obese really has got to be the worst of all disorders, addictions, ailments – whatever you want to call it – simply because it is immediately visible to everyone. our pain is on our sleeve and you can see it from across the street. sure, there are drug addicts, obsessive compulsive, alcoholics, and so many other ways people abuse themselves, but these are so much more accepted. It’s tragic, but alcoholics and drug addicts still have men hitting on them and wanting sex. fatties, not so much.

so i have a fucked up relationship with two of life’s essential activities – eating and fucking. i don’t want to get depressed but that is how i am feeling right now.

so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.

i didn’t reread last weeks entry, but i know i was feeling depressed and unsettled. i am happy to report that i am feeling pretty amazing this sunday, much more confident and assure of the next steps i’llbe making. which is a bit surprising considering i received news mid-week that i was NOT hired for the dream job. yet at least. there is still promise and hope for future endeavors, but the informal and cold rejection note has been a catalyst to what i really want more than anything right now: a home.

i think i found the perfect apartment, i just hope i get it considering my not-so-perfect credit. it feels right and i think i can call it home for many, many years, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed and energy focussed on it being mine. the more i think about it, the more i am sure it is what i have been looking for and more. perfect location, great price, huge space, fantastic architecture, quiet street, bright but cool with lots of trees and greenery, a rooftop to sunbathe and take in the view. there are a few things that need to be addressed, but i am confident they can be dealt with. it feels like the stars have aligned for this place, but i am nervous considering what happened with the dream job and my feelings about it. i’m staying positive though, because i feel like that’s not really over anyway.

he called this morning. i always love to hear from him and of course today was no exception. our conversations are just comforting, talking about everything and nothing. i can’t compare them to those with anyone else because there is the romantic/sexual aspect for me that is not prevalent in my other close friendships. i can have long, mindless conversations with a few others, but nothing compares to the satisfaction i feel from a chat with him. i’m glad he is back in my life, but i have to continue to remind myself to love lukewarm and not let the relationship envelop me as it so easily has in the past.

i lost 2.6 pounds this week and 2.1% body fat. sweet! what’s better is that i finally made it under 200! i just skimmed through last weeks post where i wrote that last sunday was the last day i would vow “to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.” while i have not been perfect this week, i have considered this when making choices and it has helped. i stocked up on groceries and cooked at home more than i ate out, and obviously it helped. i know i had started my period last week so that also has to be factored in, but this week i am very proud of myself, loving that i finally made it below 200, and intend to keep it that way. this week i am going to focus on eating healthy at home not only because i want to lose weight, but because i never want to see 200 on the scale again.

i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

I’m nearly 30 years old, and as long as I can remember, I have been overweight and unhappy. Sure, there have been those brief moments where I have gone below the overweight line and felt confident and pleased with the results, but even then I was unhappy about my body and never quite reached my goals. It’s obvious I self sabotage and yet I continue to do it, despite having recognized it.

I just weighed myself on a friends scale and was appalled and shocked by the reading. I’m back over 200 and that is a number I never thought I would see on the scale again. I find myself wailing out loud – “Why did I do this to myself? Why?” and not having a good answer. 

There is a reoccurring thought process that I can’t let go of. Get my shit together and achieve these goals for myself. There are so many that I have achieved, yet so many important ones that I haven’t. It is very clear to me that the way I care for my body is unacceptable, yet somehow I can’t seem to make that commitment to really change long-term. I’m lazy I guess, but if that’s the case, I must really hate myself.

There are two things that I have wanted to achieve consistently, thought about on a day to day basis, and beat myself up over regularly – losing weight and quitting smoking. I know that I ingest toxic food and drinks on a regular basis, I know that I ingest toxic fumes from cigarettes that are killing me as often as I can. I have a chronic cough and occasionally sound like darth vader when I wake up in the morning. But,  I love to smoke and I love to eat bad food. What does this say about me that I know these things are terrible for me and I continue on like I’m going to the chair.

I’d like to live my life free of the guilt and burden of the detriment I am causing to my health. I want to be able to stop obsessing about finding the perfect clothes and being able to wear them all without worrying about them being too small. I am the girl with a closet full of designer clothing, shoes, and accessories, that rarely, if ever wears them. I’ve built the perfect closet, a nearly complete seasonal wardrobe, yet most of it hangs there, tags still attached, waiting for the day I magically get myself together and do what I’ve said I was going to do for the last 20+ years. At the rate I’m going, it will all be vintage if the day ever comes. 

I don’t want this for myself. It’s not just the closet, it’s my life that has taken a back burner and put on hold. I am not confident with my body and therefore I delay or refuse important life experiences that I resent myself for. For example, I have never been comfortable going to the beach or participating in any type of water activity because of my body. Because of that, I don’t fully enjoy myself or the experience. My body is constantly on my mind. You could say the same for going out to meet new people. I am self conscious of how I look and it effects me every hour of the day. 

I am going to try a new approach to achieve my goals, because I am really not after a number on the scale as much as I am after measurements, or being able to wear a size 8 or equivalent. In normal sizing, size 10-12 is the maximum size available. I am not talking about Old Navy here, I’m talking about my favorite designers and fashion that I covet to become a part of my closet. In jeans and such, this would be a size 29 or 30. I just want to be slightly below the top tier. I am not trying to be a size 2 or be stick thin, I just want to not have to always look for the biggest size. 

I am scared to measure myself, but I suppose measurements will probably be a better indicator than weight - after-all, I want to gain muscle and lose fat, and the tone and condition of my skin and body is just as important as the weight itself. It would be nice to know my measurements so I can actually use a sizing chart and know, instead of just guessing.