i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

My storage containers were delivered this morning, a major cue to get on with it and “get ‘er done”. I was watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s Chapter 3 class last night and it seemed to help a bit. I understand the concepts and have for awhile, but I have a stubborn ego! With so much I need to do, it can often be hard to think about. Often times, I will be lying in bed and remember something I need to do. Immediately I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that is incredibly uncomfortable and as quickly as I can, I switch my thoughts to something else. The level of anxiety that arises is unbearable. 

I know the simple solution to this anxiety is to complete my tasks and be free of them, but I suppose I am quite intimidated by it all. It’s a lot to get done and I know once I am done, I will have so much more freedom and much less anxiety. I know that I will be on the road to my new unknown life and adventures. Maybe that is what I am afraid of? Peace? Contentment? Freedom? Responsibility?

Of course I will still have responsibilities and I suppose that is one thing I wish I could do without. Paperwork, Accounting, Taxes, and all of that necessary red tape is such a chore to me. Even collecting and sorting through the mail is such an issue for me to get done. Then anxiety comes as to what happens when I’m gone and I pass this burden on to my parents. They are much more adept at dealing with these things and I can assure you that anything needing to be dealt with, will be dealt with, rather than sitting in a pile of mail in the corner pretending it doesn’t exist. I guess that’s a good thing, but I prefer to ignore things I don’t want to deal with.

The next week is a culmination of everything I haven’t gotten done or taken care of for the past few years. It has to be done now or stored. There is the car accident claim, my taxes, my debt, and everything else. I will finally have it organized with the deadlines (that may have already passed) and milestones setup for payments. I need to migrate all of my sites to their new networks so that they will start earning, or rather, so that they won’t STOP earning on May 1. 

I’m hungry. I want to eat something, but nothing in my house sounds appetizing. I have a car for the day, so I feel like I should eat something special. I have some ideas in mind, but none are too healthy. It seems tomorrow is always the beginning for my diet as today there are too many anxieties and responsibilities to fit in a workout or healthy eating. I know this is a poor outlook, but that’s how it’s been lately. Maybe I’ll take the car and pickup some groceries from the store to use to eat at home. Maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see how the day goes. 

I’m tired of complaining and I know it serves no purpose. I don’t want to always be complaining to my friends or having problems. That is not attractive and does nothing but reinforce the negative feelings I have. I’m going to make an effort to banish these thoughts and hopefully it will help. Perhaps I will leave them for here, a place to get them out without ambushing them on friends and family. At least for now. Ideally, I’d like to stop allowing myself to dwell on negative and defeating thoughts. 

I better get going with my day. I still have not managed to get moving earlier than noon. I stay up late and with no reason not to hit snooze, I do it again and again. Maybe that will be something I tackle soon, maybe it won’t. I really don’t see my sleeping schedule as being a major issue causing me problems, but perhaps there is not something I’m seeing now. I obviously desire to wake up at 8am everyday, I just have no requirement to do so and I sleep in.