so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.

I’m not going to write about how much I suck, because I am actually feeling quite proud of myself for all of the things that I have been doing, but I do think I still have plenty of room for improvement, and one of those areas involves writing regularly and keeping myself in check. This morning I had told myself that I was going to quit smoking, but of course, I woke up wanting a cigarette. I suppose I knew better, as I have had more success in the past if I put the patch on before I go to sleep so I don’t have that massive craving for nicotine first thing in the morning, but I was trying to be miss smarty pants and show my willpower and I lost. That sort of set the day off on on a less than ideal route and I’ve been lounging around reading all afternoon.

One thing is for sure, I am going to bed by 10pm tonight. I really want to head for bed around 9pm and be asleep by 10, but I absolutely need to wake up at 8am tomorrow to start my day and that is going to be difficult unless I just can’t stay asleep anymore. This is called adjusting your sleep schedule by brute force.

I wrote that earlier in the day and became sidetrack, It’s now 8:49pm and I am about to get ready for bed. I am disappointed in myself that I had such a lazy day and didn’t accomplish much, but I did read some good material, have some good meditations, and I feel rejuvenated and ready to start the week with a kick tomorrow morning.  I have pilates at 9am so I want to wakeup at 8 and eat breakfast around 8:15am. I am curious to see what the pilates class will be like and I hope that it is challenging. I think I should also plan to walk on the treadmill for at least half an hour. Otherwise, I should do the EFX. We’ll see how I am feeling based on the class.

After that I have a block of 7 hours and in that time I think I need to focus specifically on getting all of these eBay items listed and packed away. I should also unlock the iPhone with the latest software and reduce it’s listing price to something a bit lower. That will be the focus of the day and everything else needs to be turned off so I can just get it done. I read some motivational ideas on productivity today and have come across some inspirational sites in the last few days so I think everything is on track as it should be.

Aside from the smoking. I need to stop. I have to stop. I want to stop. So why do I continue? All of these things are crutches. They are just here to give me a false sense of confidence and control when they are the things that are really controlling me. Food and Cigarettes are my nemesis, yet I cling to them. I have been a lot better about eating. I have been losing weight and I think I will achieve my goal of being under 200 by the end of the month. So yay!

I want to lose a minimum of 10 more pounds before I go back to LA, but of course, I would prefer to work my ass off and lose more like 15-20. I know I can do it if I do all the right things, and I need to be doing those anyway to achieve 10, so why not shoot for more? I’m ready to be over this obsession with my body and just love it and take care of it. I know what it righteous and what is not, so why keep falling victim to the weakness?

I am ready to take over the world in my own way and tired of feeling like I have to hide myself. I hide myself and shy away from things because I am not confident in how I look. I am so exhausted from being overweight and unhappy with my body and how it effects every single thing I do every day and every hour of my life? I want to feel proud of everything I do and everything that I am, including my body, my work, my dreams, my motivations, everything. I can’t do that until I honor the commitments and keep the promises that I make to myself.

Tonight I am going to go to bed with a patch on. I am going to complete the 8 week program and not smoke a single cigarette. No cheating, no puffs here or there. No exceptions. I can do this. I know that it will be better for my body. I know that it will be better for my mind. I know that it will be better for me financially. There is no reason NOT to quit smoking cigarettes, other than I am addicted and it is a crutch. I will NOT use smoking as a crutch any longer. I want my lungs to be clear and free and I do not want to have the chest pains that I have been experiencing today. I am getting older and I cannot afford to continue on with these bad habits. I am just opening myself up to having more diseases and if I don’t try to reverse this now, I could not have as full and long of a life as I would like. Three of my grandparents died early of disease and I do not want the same to happen to me – or my parents.

While I am here I want to set a good example for my father and make an impact on him. It hurts me to see him smoking and drinking so much. He doesn’t get out of control or abusive or anything, but I know it is not good for his health. He doesn’t need to do it, but he’s retired now so maybe he is bored. Whatever the case may be, I don’t want to smoke anymore because I don’t want him to smoke anymore and I think I am being a hypocrite if I tell him not to smoke while I am continuing to smoke away. I don’t want my mother smoking either. It’s a terrible habit. I could sit here and blame them for allowing me to develop the habit, but ultimately I did it to myself. I don’t know if I would have become a smoker had they not been smokers when I was growing up, but I think it certainly contributed to my addiction and my belief that it was okay to be a smoker.

I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

i’ve officially lost more than 10 pounds so i should probably congratulate myself on the progress, even if it is not as much as i would have liked. it is progress. only a few more pounds to go to reach my first major goal and i am pretty certain i can achieve that goal by the end of the month if i really put my heart into it. considering a piece of my heart is suddenly back on the scene, that should make things a little easier as long as i channel this as positive energy.

although i have slacked off on the pilates this week, i am looking forward to finishing it up with a solid 2 workouts thursday and friday. they will be my last 2 and i am really going to miss these classes, but i need to do what i need to do. i think it might be a good idea to have a plan for austin, walking everyday should certainly be included. i need to do more though, i need to keep up the muscle definition. i guess researching exercise options in austin would be a good move.

i need to have a green smoothie again tomorrow and start the day off with my bowl of oatmeal. i was doing so well with taking my supplements at every meal and washing my face twice a day, but now that i have been uprooted, i am finding it difficult to stick to my regimen. maybe i need a home, a stable place to have some semblance of routine. tomorrow morning, i am going to wake and make my oatmeal and tea. i will take my morning supplements and play scrabble. 

i should go ahead and start wearing the patches that i was sent. i will know immediately if they are placebo or not and if not, then i have been chosen to quit smoking WITHOUT any sort of crutch. i know that i can quit smoking so i need to just do it. i will feel so much better about myself and it will be the first and easiest step in completing a MAJOR goal for myself. i can’t magically get skinny over night, but i can become a non-smoker overnight. so, it’s settled. tomorrow i quit smoking forever and ever. 

i want my heart and my heart needs me to love myself.

Things have been going pretty well, but I can definitley step it up a notch. I have been exercising, but not as much as I should be. The gym was going well in terms of training and actually doing something with my muscles but I did not like the trainer. I am now going to try out a pilates center nearby that offers unlimited classes. I think that is more my style.

I quit smoking for a week and then I started again. what a stupid habit I have that has this control over me. I’m not going to let it any longer. I am going to fight this addiction with all I have. I’m going to combat it with exercise. I’m back in the mountains, I have the momentum, and it’s really pretty easy with the patch and the hypnosis. I don’t like that the patch causes my skin to be red, but I still think it is a good temporary solution to keep the cravings and emotional bitchiness to a minimum. I think it helps with not over eating also.

This far I have lost approximatley 7 pounds since I started. While that is fantastic, I really could and should have lost more by staying more focussed. I am going to commit to doing that from here on out. I will include a green smoothie everyday, I will continue to tale my supplements and vitamins daily as regimented. I will go to pilates class and/or walk EVERY day. Moving is essential to this process and it is really good for my mental clarity.

On the issue of vitamins and supplements, I have been taking them very consistently and have noticed an improvement in my skin. I can only assume they not smoking for a week played a great role in my skin looking better as well. I am looking forward to receiving the rest of my supplements and implementing them into my regimen.

Do I really have to throw away the cigarettes or can I have them around for recreational or desperate measures. I hhink that is just a cop-out though. I don’t need them at all. I’m tired of the addiction and any social benefit is not really worth it. I have to be stronger than that.

I’m nearly 30 years old, and as long as I can remember, I have been overweight and unhappy. Sure, there have been those brief moments where I have gone below the overweight line and felt confident and pleased with the results, but even then I was unhappy about my body and never quite reached my goals. It’s obvious I self sabotage and yet I continue to do it, despite having recognized it.

I just weighed myself on a friends scale and was appalled and shocked by the reading. I’m back over 200 and that is a number I never thought I would see on the scale again. I find myself wailing out loud – “Why did I do this to myself? Why?” and not having a good answer. 

There is a reoccurring thought process that I can’t let go of. Get my shit together and achieve these goals for myself. There are so many that I have achieved, yet so many important ones that I haven’t. It is very clear to me that the way I care for my body is unacceptable, yet somehow I can’t seem to make that commitment to really change long-term. I’m lazy I guess, but if that’s the case, I must really hate myself.

There are two things that I have wanted to achieve consistently, thought about on a day to day basis, and beat myself up over regularly – losing weight and quitting smoking. I know that I ingest toxic food and drinks on a regular basis, I know that I ingest toxic fumes from cigarettes that are killing me as often as I can. I have a chronic cough and occasionally sound like darth vader when I wake up in the morning. But,  I love to smoke and I love to eat bad food. What does this say about me that I know these things are terrible for me and I continue on like I’m going to the chair.

I’d like to live my life free of the guilt and burden of the detriment I am causing to my health. I want to be able to stop obsessing about finding the perfect clothes and being able to wear them all without worrying about them being too small. I am the girl with a closet full of designer clothing, shoes, and accessories, that rarely, if ever wears them. I’ve built the perfect closet, a nearly complete seasonal wardrobe, yet most of it hangs there, tags still attached, waiting for the day I magically get myself together and do what I’ve said I was going to do for the last 20+ years. At the rate I’m going, it will all be vintage if the day ever comes. 

I don’t want this for myself. It’s not just the closet, it’s my life that has taken a back burner and put on hold. I am not confident with my body and therefore I delay or refuse important life experiences that I resent myself for. For example, I have never been comfortable going to the beach or participating in any type of water activity because of my body. Because of that, I don’t fully enjoy myself or the experience. My body is constantly on my mind. You could say the same for going out to meet new people. I am self conscious of how I look and it effects me every hour of the day. 

I am going to try a new approach to achieve my goals, because I am really not after a number on the scale as much as I am after measurements, or being able to wear a size 8 or equivalent. In normal sizing, size 10-12 is the maximum size available. I am not talking about Old Navy here, I’m talking about my favorite designers and fashion that I covet to become a part of my closet. In jeans and such, this would be a size 29 or 30. I just want to be slightly below the top tier. I am not trying to be a size 2 or be stick thin, I just want to not have to always look for the biggest size. 

I am scared to measure myself, but I suppose measurements will probably be a better indicator than weight - after-all, I want to gain muscle and lose fat, and the tone and condition of my skin and body is just as important as the weight itself. It would be nice to know my measurements so I can actually use a sizing chart and know, instead of just guessing. 

I woke up late again today. around 2pm. i actually wake up sooner than that, but then I want to stay in bed and sleep more. I guess I don’t want to face the day so I put it off as long as possible. I made a lot of progress yesterday and I think I will make a lot today as well once I get rolling. I just came out to get on the computer and check in on everything, emails, etc. I have to say it was sort of nice not just jumping up and going straight to the computer to smoke a cigarette. That is a terrible habit I have that will hopefully be broken now that I can no longer smoke where my computer will be located (in various places over the next few months). I am supposed to be quit anyway. I promised myself that in exchange for the Invisalign and it went right out the window. This is a prime example of promises I have made to myself and not kept and how this has diminished my belief and trust in myself.

I am going to quit though, really, really I am. I think the only reason I continue to smoke is that I am lonely and bored. I am alone 99.9% of the time and I guess the cigarette comforts me. It entertains me, it takes up chunks of time in the day where I can sit there and do nothing other than contemplate and inhale the bittersweet smoke. I keep telling myself it’s the stress of the move, the stress of everything coming to a culmination and when it’s done, I’ll be done, but I think I’ve just realized it is more the comfort, like food is, that I am addicted to. Cigarettes and Food will always be there for me, always soothe me. Evil little fuckers. 

Today I have to go through all of my clothes and sort them by size and pack them away. I love all of my clothes, but I also have so many clothes I have bought that were too small at the time or I never got to wear them when I was at that weight due to the season and most of them do not fit, a lot of them still new with tags. I adore these beautiful clothes and I don’t want to get rid of them, but they can’t all stay piled together so I never know what will fit and what won’t. One thing is for sure, when I lose the weight, I need to throw out all stretchy clothes (except pajamas or a few lounge outfits) and stick to more fitted clothing so I can better tell when I am gaining weight and do something about it. I definitely cannot be sitting around in sweat pants day in and day out, that is just asking for it. 

Well, I guess I better go take a shower. I’ve put it off long enough. I smell horrible and feel greasy and disgusting. I’m realizing this might also be a part of my not taking care of myself and perpetuating the state of being I am in. I’ve tried so many times to get in the habit of taking a daily shower, but was thinking earlier how I can’t remember the last time I had a shower two days in a row. That is really disgusting and I know it is, but without ever seeing anyone, I frequently feel like why bother? I know that is an even more unhealthy way of looking at it. I should be showering to take care of my body and clean myself, it should have nothing to do with an outside source. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with an outside source either, because I will go into public smelling rank and convince myself I don’t care. Try to be invisible and not interact with anyone. It’s sick, I’m sick. Why do I do this? I am sure this plays into my issues with needing comfort from food and cigarettes. 

I’m dealing with this. What do you think I’m writing about it all for. To face myself and identify and dissect what is really going that causes me to continue with these damaging behaviors so I can correct them. I suspect it is a core issue that causes them all so I need to continue to observe this further. 

I know I am depressed. I know I am procrastinating and putting everything off. Eating and Smoking to fill up the time, just waiting for the inevitable breaking point. I know it’s not a healthy space to be in, but I can’t quite figure how to get myself out of it. I know it’s one of those instances of just making yourself do it, but what if you just don’t want to? I know this not good, I know this is actually really, really bad, but I feel like I have very little time left to turn things around, and then what? 

I don’t know if I am trying to test myself or why I would be so self sabotaging. I sat around this evening with a full, fat belly and felt like a miserable failure watching America’s Next Top Model. I mean, can we get any more pathetic? I saw there and watched, smoking cigarettes feeling fat and sorry for myself. On top of that, I keep thinking about the added tension I’ve been served by an irrational friend I care about deeply. I was already having a tough time before getting through everything, but this curveball has given me something grander and more consuming to obsess about. It’s not that it’s more important, in fact, it’s not at all, but it allows me to escape what I have done and place the attention and blame on external circumstances.

I’m going on a trip in a week, I am moving out of my house and selling most everything I own to travel the world and I have sat around doing nothing for the past few weeks (or months). Feeling paralyzed – a description I find myself using frequently lately. I know it is significant and I need to push through it, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I’m running away or dragging my feet. I feel really lost right now and powerless to make myself WANT to do everything in my power. It’s not a question of if I can, so much as why bother?

I set a small challenge for myself to do today and I couldn’t even complete that. I caught myself calling myself a loser as I walked into my bedroom. I don’t want to be hating myself and being miserable. I want to love my body, love my self, love my life, and love others. Why have I built up this wall of apathy and why can’t I seem to break through it? I no longer trust myself because I haven’t kept the promises I make to myself. My biggest goal is going to be to not break the chain and to write here everyday. Hopefully after some time, I will be able to make some progress and break down this wall I’ve put up.