I woke up late again today. around 2pm. i actually wake up sooner than that, but then I want to stay in bed and sleep more. I guess I don’t want to face the day so I put it off as long as possible. I made a lot of progress yesterday and I think I will make a lot today as well once I get rolling. I just came out to get on the computer and check in on everything, emails, etc. I have to say it was sort of nice not just jumping up and going straight to the computer to smoke a cigarette. That is a terrible habit I have that will hopefully be broken now that I can no longer smoke where my computer will be located (in various places over the next few months). I am supposed to be quit anyway. I promised myself that in exchange for the Invisalign and it went right out the window. This is a prime example of promises I have made to myself and not kept and how this has diminished my belief and trust in myself.

I am going to quit though, really, really I am. I think the only reason I continue to smoke is that I am lonely and bored. I am alone 99.9% of the time and I guess the cigarette comforts me. It entertains me, it takes up chunks of time in the day where I can sit there and do nothing other than contemplate and inhale the bittersweet smoke. I keep telling myself it’s the stress of the move, the stress of everything coming to a culmination and when it’s done, I’ll be done, but I think I’ve just realized it is more the comfort, like food is, that I am addicted to. Cigarettes and Food will always be there for me, always soothe me. Evil little fuckers. 

Today I have to go through all of my clothes and sort them by size and pack them away. I love all of my clothes, but I also have so many clothes I have bought that were too small at the time or I never got to wear them when I was at that weight due to the season and most of them do not fit, a lot of them still new with tags. I adore these beautiful clothes and I don’t want to get rid of them, but they can’t all stay piled together so I never know what will fit and what won’t. One thing is for sure, when I lose the weight, I need to throw out all stretchy clothes (except pajamas or a few lounge outfits) and stick to more fitted clothing so I can better tell when I am gaining weight and do something about it. I definitely cannot be sitting around in sweat pants day in and day out, that is just asking for it. 

Well, I guess I better go take a shower. I’ve put it off long enough. I smell horrible and feel greasy and disgusting. I’m realizing this might also be a part of my not taking care of myself and perpetuating the state of being I am in. I’ve tried so many times to get in the habit of taking a daily shower, but was thinking earlier how I can’t remember the last time I had a shower two days in a row. That is really disgusting and I know it is, but without ever seeing anyone, I frequently feel like why bother? I know that is an even more unhealthy way of looking at it. I should be showering to take care of my body and clean myself, it should have nothing to do with an outside source. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with an outside source either, because I will go into public smelling rank and convince myself I don’t care. Try to be invisible and not interact with anyone. It’s sick, I’m sick. Why do I do this? I am sure this plays into my issues with needing comfort from food and cigarettes. 

I’m dealing with this. What do you think I’m writing about it all for. To face myself and identify and dissect what is really going that causes me to continue with these damaging behaviors so I can correct them. I suspect it is a core issue that causes them all so I need to continue to observe this further. 

My storage containers were delivered this morning, a major cue to get on with it and “get ‘er done”. I was watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s Chapter 3 class last night and it seemed to help a bit. I understand the concepts and have for awhile, but I have a stubborn ego! With so much I need to do, it can often be hard to think about. Often times, I will be lying in bed and remember something I need to do. Immediately I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that is incredibly uncomfortable and as quickly as I can, I switch my thoughts to something else. The level of anxiety that arises is unbearable. 

I know the simple solution to this anxiety is to complete my tasks and be free of them, but I suppose I am quite intimidated by it all. It’s a lot to get done and I know once I am done, I will have so much more freedom and much less anxiety. I know that I will be on the road to my new unknown life and adventures. Maybe that is what I am afraid of? Peace? Contentment? Freedom? Responsibility?

Of course I will still have responsibilities and I suppose that is one thing I wish I could do without. Paperwork, Accounting, Taxes, and all of that necessary red tape is such a chore to me. Even collecting and sorting through the mail is such an issue for me to get done. Then anxiety comes as to what happens when I’m gone and I pass this burden on to my parents. They are much more adept at dealing with these things and I can assure you that anything needing to be dealt with, will be dealt with, rather than sitting in a pile of mail in the corner pretending it doesn’t exist. I guess that’s a good thing, but I prefer to ignore things I don’t want to deal with.

The next week is a culmination of everything I haven’t gotten done or taken care of for the past few years. It has to be done now or stored. There is the car accident claim, my taxes, my debt, and everything else. I will finally have it organized with the deadlines (that may have already passed) and milestones setup for payments. I need to migrate all of my sites to their new networks so that they will start earning, or rather, so that they won’t STOP earning on May 1. 

I’m hungry. I want to eat something, but nothing in my house sounds appetizing. I have a car for the day, so I feel like I should eat something special. I have some ideas in mind, but none are too healthy. It seems tomorrow is always the beginning for my diet as today there are too many anxieties and responsibilities to fit in a workout or healthy eating. I know this is a poor outlook, but that’s how it’s been lately. Maybe I’ll take the car and pickup some groceries from the store to use to eat at home. Maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see how the day goes. 

I’m tired of complaining and I know it serves no purpose. I don’t want to always be complaining to my friends or having problems. That is not attractive and does nothing but reinforce the negative feelings I have. I’m going to make an effort to banish these thoughts and hopefully it will help. Perhaps I will leave them for here, a place to get them out without ambushing them on friends and family. At least for now. Ideally, I’d like to stop allowing myself to dwell on negative and defeating thoughts. 

I better get going with my day. I still have not managed to get moving earlier than noon. I stay up late and with no reason not to hit snooze, I do it again and again. Maybe that will be something I tackle soon, maybe it won’t. I really don’t see my sleeping schedule as being a major issue causing me problems, but perhaps there is not something I’m seeing now. I obviously desire to wake up at 8am everyday, I just have no requirement to do so and I sleep in.