I had my employee come into work today. She arrived late in the afternoon and was of some help, but having my mother came over was the real brute force. I turned down her offer to help last night. The whole house was/is just overwhelming. You don’t know where to turn or what to do because there is just crap everywhere. I really had intended to go through all of these things and get totally organized, but now we are down to the wire and there really isn’t time for that anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I did organize a lot, but as far as selling things goes, I have yet to list a single thing. 

I am so turned off eBay and dealing with customers and shipping and sales, I just don’t want to look at it. It is such a hassle to go through all the various processes to get things listed, then managed, then shipped, boring and tedious. I have been procrastinating and putting that off, but it’s really show time now and I don’t have any time to waste. I need to have these items listed to sell and I’m not nervous because it all may have to be out by a week from tomorrow! Yikes! Where will it all go? I guess the next week is going to be really, really busy for me. I will at least be rewarded with a trip to Japan at the end of it. 

I need to remember that promise that I made to myself about getting all of the pictures taken and items listed and things packed up in order to be able to justify taking this trip. I sort of let myself forget that and didn’t stay focussed or live up to my promise to myself. Promises to myself and trusting myself are big issues I am dealing with right now. I do know that I need to follow through on these things, but I don’t end up doing them, oftentimes, until it’s too late. I have squandered away so much money just by failing to live up to my responsibilities towards myself. It’s sickening really.

I did make some progress today though. I did drink my green smoothie and I did go out for exercise. I also packed most of my house other than the bathrooms. I don’t feel like I should pack bathroom type goods to go into storage for 6+ months. That just doesn’t make sense. I wonder if I should pack my lights and tables and all of that good stuff. It would probably be a good idea. And shit, what am I going to do with all my huge storage shelves? It is looking like I am going to need S afterall to manage the selling off of this stuff. 

I don’t know why I thought I could really pull this off and I stopped myself as I started to type that because I couldn’t believe what I am saying, but I guess that is how I am really feeling deep down. I know that I can pull this off if I put my mind to it and work hard, but I’ve been having a difficult time getting to that place. I bought some red bull today and then I smoked some in the afternoon. It was my first red bull ever and it tasted like candy cough syrup. I had no idea. I don’t think it’s something that anyone should look to drink on a regular basis, I feel like it’s probably highly addictive in a sick sort of way. Why do I say that? I found myself back at the store this evening buying myself another 16oz. can. What am I thinking??!

I talked to a good friend today for quite awhile and he really made me feel better on the relationship front. He offered a good perspective and kept me from doing something I didn’t really want to do anyway. By that, I mean calling a close friend that disrespected me out of nowhere, a lashing out, likely stemming from being in the midst of a long, drawn out breakup. But maybe not. The maybe not has been driving me crazy, the lack of caring or importance of my feelings too. Maybe I expect to much of my friends, maybe I don’t. This is how I am though and he more than anyone does know this. Now I suppose it’s the wondering how long it’s going to take him to man up and apologize, but hopefully I can focus on everything else going on right now and remove this from the forefront of my mind. What good is calling someone an asshole when you’ve already said it hundreds of times before? What good is being friends with an asshole, much less close close friends? Whatever it is, I know that things will change is going to happen and I know that I’ll be better of for it and grow in the end.

I know I am depressed. I know I am procrastinating and putting everything off. Eating and Smoking to fill up the time, just waiting for the inevitable breaking point. I know it’s not a healthy space to be in, but I can’t quite figure how to get myself out of it. I know it’s one of those instances of just making yourself do it, but what if you just don’t want to? I know this not good, I know this is actually really, really bad, but I feel like I have very little time left to turn things around, and then what? 

I don’t know if I am trying to test myself or why I would be so self sabotaging. I sat around this evening with a full, fat belly and felt like a miserable failure watching America’s Next Top Model. I mean, can we get any more pathetic? I saw there and watched, smoking cigarettes feeling fat and sorry for myself. On top of that, I keep thinking about the added tension I’ve been served by an irrational friend I care about deeply. I was already having a tough time before getting through everything, but this curveball has given me something grander and more consuming to obsess about. It’s not that it’s more important, in fact, it’s not at all, but it allows me to escape what I have done and place the attention and blame on external circumstances.

I’m going on a trip in a week, I am moving out of my house and selling most everything I own to travel the world and I have sat around doing nothing for the past few weeks (or months). Feeling paralyzed – a description I find myself using frequently lately. I know it is significant and I need to push through it, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I’m running away or dragging my feet. I feel really lost right now and powerless to make myself WANT to do everything in my power. It’s not a question of if I can, so much as why bother?

I set a small challenge for myself to do today and I couldn’t even complete that. I caught myself calling myself a loser as I walked into my bedroom. I don’t want to be hating myself and being miserable. I want to love my body, love my self, love my life, and love others. Why have I built up this wall of apathy and why can’t I seem to break through it? I no longer trust myself because I haven’t kept the promises I make to myself. My biggest goal is going to be to not break the chain and to write here everyday. Hopefully after some time, I will be able to make some progress and break down this wall I’ve put up.