I know I am depressed. I know I am procrastinating and putting everything off. Eating and Smoking to fill up the time, just waiting for the inevitable breaking point. I know it’s not a healthy space to be in, but I can’t quite figure how to get myself out of it. I know it’s one of those instances of just making yourself do it, but what if you just don’t want to? I know this not good, I know this is actually really, really bad, but I feel like I have very little time left to turn things around, and then what? 

I don’t know if I am trying to test myself or why I would be so self sabotaging. I sat around this evening with a full, fat belly and felt like a miserable failure watching America’s Next Top Model. I mean, can we get any more pathetic? I saw there and watched, smoking cigarettes feeling fat and sorry for myself. On top of that, I keep thinking about the added tension I’ve been served by an irrational friend I care about deeply. I was already having a tough time before getting through everything, but this curveball has given me something grander and more consuming to obsess about. It’s not that it’s more important, in fact, it’s not at all, but it allows me to escape what I have done and place the attention and blame on external circumstances.

I’m going on a trip in a week, I am moving out of my house and selling most everything I own to travel the world and I have sat around doing nothing for the past few weeks (or months). Feeling paralyzed – a description I find myself using frequently lately. I know it is significant and I need to push through it, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I’m running away or dragging my feet. I feel really lost right now and powerless to make myself WANT to do everything in my power. It’s not a question of if I can, so much as why bother?

I set a small challenge for myself to do today and I couldn’t even complete that. I caught myself calling myself a loser as I walked into my bedroom. I don’t want to be hating myself and being miserable. I want to love my body, love my self, love my life, and love others. Why have I built up this wall of apathy and why can’t I seem to break through it? I no longer trust myself because I haven’t kept the promises I make to myself. My biggest goal is going to be to not break the chain and to write here everyday. Hopefully after some time, I will be able to make some progress and break down this wall I’ve put up.

I’m so upset and ashamed that I am back in this place of feeling miserable with myself and my body. I swore I’d never put the weight back on, and here I am years later almost back to where I started. I decided to start writing in a blog again because it is something that really helped me all of those years ago. I’m different now, but apparently I have slipped back into old habits of coping with life and stressful situations. 

I went to the doctor today and discovered I had gained 37 pounds in the past year. Not that this was a huge shock, I was figuring about 40 just by guessing what my previous weight had been. Of course the doctors scale always weighs higher than the at-home scale, but I remember leaving the doctor last year being upset my weight at THAT time. At that point, I had only gained about 20 pounds from my lowest weight, but I was still very disappointed. Today I weigh 57 pounds above my lowest weight. Wow. I just had to do the math to get that number and it is ASTONISHING. I am so completely and utterly ashamed that I have allowed myself to slip back to this point. I always said “that won’t happen to me” or “I will never regain the weight” and here I am writing about it. 

I have to say its somewhat defeating to think about. To remember how hard I worked and how easy it was to keep it off for all of those years and then how quickly I packed the pounds back on. I can see it in my body, especially my arms lately. I hate to look in the mirror because I am disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen after everything that I have been through? How can I prevent this from happening again next time? Can I even do it? Am I crazy for thinking I could ever be anything other than a fat girl? Am I crazy to think I could move past it all and “get over it”? I really want to, I am so tired of fat being my life and being what defines me in my mind and others. 

I have become lethargic and lazy. Depressed and miserable. I hate myself and I hate my body for this. I know that I need to love myself and love my body to care for it properly, but how do you do that when you look at yourself in disgust? How can you? How can I? I guess I have got to try. I have to take care of my body. I have to love myself and my body to believe I can work through this and see it all the way through 100%. I have a tendency to go 85-95% and then give up and go the other direction. A fear of success and a fear of failure that has ultimately ended up be a sub conscious self fulfilling prophecy.

I have yet to truly succeed with my weight loss and body image goals and that is what I am going to set out to do one milestone at a time until I have reached 100%. I guess that means I will need to define those milestones and what exactly 100% means, but I will have to define those as I get a better grasp on how I am dealing with this all. I have some ideas in my head in terms of body fat % instead of numbers or pounds on the scale, but I’ll need to work out the math and make a concrete plan over the coming days.  I need to start out by keeping promises to myself. My first promise is that I will start the day off with a green smoothie and a 10 minute walk. Baby steps.