It’s the first Sunday of the month, so I should use this as an excuse to be productive and set out a plan for October. I hear the wind blowing outside and it feels like Fall has finally arrived. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating, why I have been so lazy. Is it really because of the herbs? I definitely need to get back to taking my supplement regimen regularly, and eating regularly for that matter too. I know that I can be my best self, I just don’t know why I keep falling short of that.

I was talking to him last night and he said that you have to constantly be working toward your goals, constantly working, no downtime, and that’s how it goes. I think to some extent that is true, it certainly is not a productive use of time to be sitting down watching television all day. Not that I do, I guess I really have been spending WAY too much time on twitter, facebook, and all of this other mindless bullshit which is not getting me to the end goal. I make these plans for myself and then I don’t stick to them and it is soooo aggravating.

Today I really need to achieve some things and it doesn’t really matter the order or how long it takes to get them done, what matters is that they happen. I need to do all of the dishes in the kitchen, I need to go on a walk, I need to make a plan for the week and organize everything. There are several things that I want and need to get done before my parents come to visit and that means I will need to be diligent in working to achieve those goals. No being lazy and day-dreaming around the house all day like I seem to be fond of doing.

I’m going to walk to the supermarket and buy something to cook for dinner. I will return home, clean the kitchen, and make dinner. Then I need to make a list of all my “chores” to do before the end of the week. I seriously need to focus on making MONEY tomorrow. Quick money at that.

I would really just like to get on track and quit making grand plans and statements and not following through. When it comes to goals, the fact is that I have a very low rate of follow through and that sucks! The one thing that feels so great every time I read through an old entry is the fact that I am actually now a non-smoker. I’m done, I’m over them, I’ve moved on. Sure, occasionally the thought crosses my mind, but since that one slip, that one testing of the waters 30 days in, I have no desire to try it again. It wasn’t anything magical or wonderful, it felt nice and comforting, but what resulted after was the desire all over again and it almost felt like starting all over again. No Thank you! SOOOOO Happy to be a non-smoker with 37 days under my belt.

so i think i have found a gym that i am going to go to for the next 30 days while i am in town. they offer tons of classes all day every day and i think i will be able to happily workout several times per day without getting bored. i have been eating pretty good, but i know that the key for me has always been the exercise. that is why a workout regimen is so important for me to stick to. i don’t want to just be skinny, i want to be fit and i want to have muscles, especially a killer stomach. is it too much to ask for great abs? well, i’d love a great ass too. my breasts are pretty much a lost cause, my 85 year old grandmothers might just look better than mine, my mother’s definitely do, and there is not really any getting around a surgery if i want them to stand up on their own. from experience, they only get worse with weight loss.

i need to commit to the exercise and just really go for it. i don’t have much else going on and i can easily fit it within my schedule. it’s not true to say i don’t have a lot going on, but i am flexible. i want to get all of my things organized and listed for sale by the end of the month so i can spend all of may finalizing and working on luxurate. 

i’ve decided to keep writing as often as possible, just to get in the habit, but also to chronicle my efforts. i am turning thirty at the end of the summer and i am determined to deal with these issues so the next thirty years of my life will not be clouded with body and confidence issues. i know this isn’t going to happen miraculously overnight, but i do know from experience that my confidence increases when i lose weight and become more comfortable with my body.

i know i need to be dating as much as i can. i need to get out there and experience men and find what really suits me. i don’t know that he is actually the one for me, but i’ll never know if there is someone else or for sure if it’s him unless i “shop” (as my mom would say) long and hard. i want to have a child in the next five years and i want it to be in a stable relationship with a man that makes me happy. i can’t do those things unless i get over my body issues and really put myself out there. 

i am beautiful, and i can be a triple threat with super confidence when i achieve this. there really can’t be a question or a delay anymore. this is my life and as the sign at brothers house says, “enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”. i’m about to be a real, Real, REAL adult and it’s time to live my life to the fullest.

ps – i want to be under 200 by may 1 and i think it’s entirely achievable. only 2 pounds in a week? i can totally do that!