I had my employee come into work today. She arrived late in the afternoon and was of some help, but having my mother came over was the real brute force. I turned down her offer to help last night. The whole house was/is just overwhelming. You don’t know where to turn or what to do because there is just crap everywhere. I really had intended to go through all of these things and get totally organized, but now we are down to the wire and there really isn’t time for that anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I did organize a lot, but as far as selling things goes, I have yet to list a single thing. 

I am so turned off eBay and dealing with customers and shipping and sales, I just don’t want to look at it. It is such a hassle to go through all the various processes to get things listed, then managed, then shipped, boring and tedious. I have been procrastinating and putting that off, but it’s really show time now and I don’t have any time to waste. I need to have these items listed to sell and I’m not nervous because it all may have to be out by a week from tomorrow! Yikes! Where will it all go? I guess the next week is going to be really, really busy for me. I will at least be rewarded with a trip to Japan at the end of it. 

I need to remember that promise that I made to myself about getting all of the pictures taken and items listed and things packed up in order to be able to justify taking this trip. I sort of let myself forget that and didn’t stay focussed or live up to my promise to myself. Promises to myself and trusting myself are big issues I am dealing with right now. I do know that I need to follow through on these things, but I don’t end up doing them, oftentimes, until it’s too late. I have squandered away so much money just by failing to live up to my responsibilities towards myself. It’s sickening really.

I did make some progress today though. I did drink my green smoothie and I did go out for exercise. I also packed most of my house other than the bathrooms. I don’t feel like I should pack bathroom type goods to go into storage for 6+ months. That just doesn’t make sense. I wonder if I should pack my lights and tables and all of that good stuff. It would probably be a good idea. And shit, what am I going to do with all my huge storage shelves? It is looking like I am going to need S afterall to manage the selling off of this stuff. 

I don’t know why I thought I could really pull this off and I stopped myself as I started to type that because I couldn’t believe what I am saying, but I guess that is how I am really feeling deep down. I know that I can pull this off if I put my mind to it and work hard, but I’ve been having a difficult time getting to that place. I bought some red bull today and then I smoked some in the afternoon. It was my first red bull ever and it tasted like candy cough syrup. I had no idea. I don’t think it’s something that anyone should look to drink on a regular basis, I feel like it’s probably highly addictive in a sick sort of way. Why do I say that? I found myself back at the store this evening buying myself another 16oz. can. What am I thinking??!

I talked to a good friend today for quite awhile and he really made me feel better on the relationship front. He offered a good perspective and kept me from doing something I didn’t really want to do anyway. By that, I mean calling a close friend that disrespected me out of nowhere, a lashing out, likely stemming from being in the midst of a long, drawn out breakup. But maybe not. The maybe not has been driving me crazy, the lack of caring or importance of my feelings too. Maybe I expect to much of my friends, maybe I don’t. This is how I am though and he more than anyone does know this. Now I suppose it’s the wondering how long it’s going to take him to man up and apologize, but hopefully I can focus on everything else going on right now and remove this from the forefront of my mind. What good is calling someone an asshole when you’ve already said it hundreds of times before? What good is being friends with an asshole, much less close close friends? Whatever it is, I know that things will change is going to happen and I know that I’ll be better of for it and grow in the end.

My storage containers were delivered this morning, a major cue to get on with it and “get ‘er done”. I was watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s Chapter 3 class last night and it seemed to help a bit. I understand the concepts and have for awhile, but I have a stubborn ego! With so much I need to do, it can often be hard to think about. Often times, I will be lying in bed and remember something I need to do. Immediately I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that is incredibly uncomfortable and as quickly as I can, I switch my thoughts to something else. The level of anxiety that arises is unbearable. 

I know the simple solution to this anxiety is to complete my tasks and be free of them, but I suppose I am quite intimidated by it all. It’s a lot to get done and I know once I am done, I will have so much more freedom and much less anxiety. I know that I will be on the road to my new unknown life and adventures. Maybe that is what I am afraid of? Peace? Contentment? Freedom? Responsibility?

Of course I will still have responsibilities and I suppose that is one thing I wish I could do without. Paperwork, Accounting, Taxes, and all of that necessary red tape is such a chore to me. Even collecting and sorting through the mail is such an issue for me to get done. Then anxiety comes as to what happens when I’m gone and I pass this burden on to my parents. They are much more adept at dealing with these things and I can assure you that anything needing to be dealt with, will be dealt with, rather than sitting in a pile of mail in the corner pretending it doesn’t exist. I guess that’s a good thing, but I prefer to ignore things I don’t want to deal with.

The next week is a culmination of everything I haven’t gotten done or taken care of for the past few years. It has to be done now or stored. There is the car accident claim, my taxes, my debt, and everything else. I will finally have it organized with the deadlines (that may have already passed) and milestones setup for payments. I need to migrate all of my sites to their new networks so that they will start earning, or rather, so that they won’t STOP earning on May 1. 

I’m hungry. I want to eat something, but nothing in my house sounds appetizing. I have a car for the day, so I feel like I should eat something special. I have some ideas in mind, but none are too healthy. It seems tomorrow is always the beginning for my diet as today there are too many anxieties and responsibilities to fit in a workout or healthy eating. I know this is a poor outlook, but that’s how it’s been lately. Maybe I’ll take the car and pickup some groceries from the store to use to eat at home. Maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see how the day goes. 

I’m tired of complaining and I know it serves no purpose. I don’t want to always be complaining to my friends or having problems. That is not attractive and does nothing but reinforce the negative feelings I have. I’m going to make an effort to banish these thoughts and hopefully it will help. Perhaps I will leave them for here, a place to get them out without ambushing them on friends and family. At least for now. Ideally, I’d like to stop allowing myself to dwell on negative and defeating thoughts. 

I better get going with my day. I still have not managed to get moving earlier than noon. I stay up late and with no reason not to hit snooze, I do it again and again. Maybe that will be something I tackle soon, maybe it won’t. I really don’t see my sleeping schedule as being a major issue causing me problems, but perhaps there is not something I’m seeing now. I obviously desire to wake up at 8am everyday, I just have no requirement to do so and I sleep in.

I know I am depressed. I know I am procrastinating and putting everything off. Eating and Smoking to fill up the time, just waiting for the inevitable breaking point. I know it’s not a healthy space to be in, but I can’t quite figure how to get myself out of it. I know it’s one of those instances of just making yourself do it, but what if you just don’t want to? I know this not good, I know this is actually really, really bad, but I feel like I have very little time left to turn things around, and then what? 

I don’t know if I am trying to test myself or why I would be so self sabotaging. I sat around this evening with a full, fat belly and felt like a miserable failure watching America’s Next Top Model. I mean, can we get any more pathetic? I saw there and watched, smoking cigarettes feeling fat and sorry for myself. On top of that, I keep thinking about the added tension I’ve been served by an irrational friend I care about deeply. I was already having a tough time before getting through everything, but this curveball has given me something grander and more consuming to obsess about. It’s not that it’s more important, in fact, it’s not at all, but it allows me to escape what I have done and place the attention and blame on external circumstances.

I’m going on a trip in a week, I am moving out of my house and selling most everything I own to travel the world and I have sat around doing nothing for the past few weeks (or months). Feeling paralyzed – a description I find myself using frequently lately. I know it is significant and I need to push through it, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I’m running away or dragging my feet. I feel really lost right now and powerless to make myself WANT to do everything in my power. It’s not a question of if I can, so much as why bother?

I set a small challenge for myself to do today and I couldn’t even complete that. I caught myself calling myself a loser as I walked into my bedroom. I don’t want to be hating myself and being miserable. I want to love my body, love my self, love my life, and love others. Why have I built up this wall of apathy and why can’t I seem to break through it? I no longer trust myself because I haven’t kept the promises I make to myself. My biggest goal is going to be to not break the chain and to write here everyday. Hopefully after some time, I will be able to make some progress and break down this wall I’ve put up.