so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.

i was just reading through some of my older entries and there was reference to the date that everything fell apart with him. i picked up my phone to scroll through my texts. i knew i had one with a time/day stamp from the day i saw him. i had thought it was may, but it turns out i was wrong. is it weird that the same day he finally called and the same day that we hung out was exactly a year later? just another reason why i can’t deny my connection with him.

i guess i haven’t written about how it all happened. it was april 11, almost midnight when the phone rang and it was him. i should rewind even further and explain how i ended up where i was. her boyfriend was coming and she didn’t want me to stay there so i booked a hotel on hotwire. when i arrived at the hotel over an hour later, they did not have my reservation. i was told they were supposed to receive a fax and could not check me in without it. frustrated and tired, i called hotwire to resolve the issue. i was told they would resend the fax and it should be there within a few minutes. ten minutes later, i called back and asked the woman to stay on the phone with me until it went through.  throughout all of this, a homeless couple came in looking to secure a place for the following night after they got a check from a local church. another man came in wanting to use a bathroom and then asked to see a room when he was denied. the manager made him leave a cash deposit while he went to look at the room. when the man left, i asked him about that and he said people would come in and take showers or use the restroom and then he would charge them for the entire night. after it not going through again, she called and spoke with the hotel manager to try to get him to check me in until the fax came through. i already knew what the answer would be after having over an hour to assess his character as people wandered in and out. the answer was no.

finally, the woman at hotwire apologized profusely, told me that this has never happened and they were just going to re-book me at a higher star hotel nearby and hotwire would cover the difference. pleased that the situation seemed to be resolving itself, i happily went to the hotel next door and waited as the representative from hotwire called the new hotel’s manager to make sure everything was straight and i would be allowed to check-in promptly. when i arrived, my phone was about to die, so i plugged into an outlet in the lobby and waited on hold. once she came back on, she informed me that they were awaiting the confirmation fax and i would be checked in shortly. another half an hour later and the supervisor came on the phone. he told me that he had tried everything, even asking the hotel to book it with his credit card directly, but they would not oblige. he apologized profusely, confessed his embarrassment, and offered me a full refund and a fifty dollar “hotbucks” credit to my account and suggested i book the hotel directly at their higher rate.

as this played out over several hours, i started to get the sense that it was all happening for a reason. i had no clue what it could be as i was in the valley in the middle of nowhere where i know nothing but my pilates studio, however, that feeling was planted. i called kels and asked if i could spend one more night and promised that i would sleep on the couch so as not to dirty up her freshy cleaned sheets. the next morning i decided that i wanted to secure a hotel for the evening and i would then look for places from the hotel on my laptop and i wouldn’t feel stressed or rushed. i went on hotwire and decided to go for a 4 star hotel in west hollywood/beverly hills because i had the fifty dollar credit and it made the hotel less than the previous nights 2.5 star.

as anyone who has used hotwire knows, you do not select the individual hotel, but an area and star level. there are so many hotels in the area, i had no idea where i would end up, but i figured a 4 star would be nice and i would feel good having a little pampering after shuffling all over the city. what a surprise it was when it was revealed that i was staying at le parc suites. le parc suites is the first place i ever stayed in los angeles, the first time i ever visited the city. courtney had flown me out and put me up there for several days. i remember feeling so chic and i still have a corkscrew with the hotels name on it to this day.

when i arrived, it was exactly as i had remembered. as i went to check-in, i noticed a large tour bus pulling off. again, i got this feeling that this was still happening for a reason, maybe something to do with him, but when i asked the valet who the tour bus belonged to, it was no one that meant anything to me. still, i had planned to go in, bathe, and put on my makeup. i wanted to be out and about looking beautiful, but i ended up feeling lazy and decided to stay in and relax. i was hungry so i went to the nearby 7-11 and bought a bag full of crap, only to decide i needed a hotdog while i was checking out. slightly embarassed but completely ravenous,  i ate the hotdog in the parking lot as i thought to myself how mortified i would be if he happened to see me.

back at the hotel, i made microwave food and scolded myself for it. i put on a mask and lounged around the suite getting ready for bed, snacking on chips. my phone rang. “bread in the oven bakin’…” , my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. it was pounding and i couldn’t bring myself to even pick up the phone. i had seen him online on messenger, but i definitely was not expecting a call. i had to calm myself, smoke a cigarette, smoke a spliff, do deep breathing as i ran around and jumped up and down like a giddy school girl. i couldn’t believe he was calling, that he called. today, tonight, now, of all times. and he left a message!

i decided to finish getting ready for bed and climb in before calling him back. talking in bed was something we did often and i was looking forward to it like christmas morning. i dialed his number and as it rang, i filled with anticipation… only to reach voicemail. i had only waited ten minutes to return the call, where could he be? brick wall. again. sigh. so i turned on the tv and tried to forget about it. a few minutes later, i received a text message. “what up?” … OMG OMG OMG. i called him back and it sounded like he was in a loud bar. i inquired and he confirmed, then asked where i was. i told him LA, but he didn’t relent and wanted to know where in LA. “oh, i’m in a hotel in west hollywood, where are you”. he responded that he was at barney’s beanery and my heart skipped a beat. that was walking distance from me and right next to the 7-11 i had visited only an hour earlier. i laughed at him and questioned why he would be there of all places. he said it was down the street from his hotel. he said his credit was about to be finished and i said i wasn’t done talking. he told me to come meet him for a drink. so i did.