I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

i was just reading through some of my older entries and there was reference to the date that everything fell apart with him. i picked up my phone to scroll through my texts. i knew i had one with a time/day stamp from the day i saw him. i had thought it was may, but it turns out i was wrong. is it weird that the same day he finally called and the same day that we hung out was exactly a year later? just another reason why i can’t deny my connection with him.

i guess i haven’t written about how it all happened. it was april 11, almost midnight when the phone rang and it was him. i should rewind even further and explain how i ended up where i was. her boyfriend was coming and she didn’t want me to stay there so i booked a hotel on hotwire. when i arrived at the hotel over an hour later, they did not have my reservation. i was told they were supposed to receive a fax and could not check me in without it. frustrated and tired, i called hotwire to resolve the issue. i was told they would resend the fax and it should be there within a few minutes. ten minutes later, i called back and asked the woman to stay on the phone with me until it went through.  throughout all of this, a homeless couple came in looking to secure a place for the following night after they got a check from a local church. another man came in wanting to use a bathroom and then asked to see a room when he was denied. the manager made him leave a cash deposit while he went to look at the room. when the man left, i asked him about that and he said people would come in and take showers or use the restroom and then he would charge them for the entire night. after it not going through again, she called and spoke with the hotel manager to try to get him to check me in until the fax came through. i already knew what the answer would be after having over an hour to assess his character as people wandered in and out. the answer was no.

finally, the woman at hotwire apologized profusely, told me that this has never happened and they were just going to re-book me at a higher star hotel nearby and hotwire would cover the difference. pleased that the situation seemed to be resolving itself, i happily went to the hotel next door and waited as the representative from hotwire called the new hotel’s manager to make sure everything was straight and i would be allowed to check-in promptly. when i arrived, my phone was about to die, so i plugged into an outlet in the lobby and waited on hold. once she came back on, she informed me that they were awaiting the confirmation fax and i would be checked in shortly. another half an hour later and the supervisor came on the phone. he told me that he had tried everything, even asking the hotel to book it with his credit card directly, but they would not oblige. he apologized profusely, confessed his embarrassment, and offered me a full refund and a fifty dollar “hotbucks” credit to my account and suggested i book the hotel directly at their higher rate.

as this played out over several hours, i started to get the sense that it was all happening for a reason. i had no clue what it could be as i was in the valley in the middle of nowhere where i know nothing but my pilates studio, however, that feeling was planted. i called kels and asked if i could spend one more night and promised that i would sleep on the couch so as not to dirty up her freshy cleaned sheets. the next morning i decided that i wanted to secure a hotel for the evening and i would then look for places from the hotel on my laptop and i wouldn’t feel stressed or rushed. i went on hotwire and decided to go for a 4 star hotel in west hollywood/beverly hills because i had the fifty dollar credit and it made the hotel less than the previous nights 2.5 star.

as anyone who has used hotwire knows, you do not select the individual hotel, but an area and star level. there are so many hotels in the area, i had no idea where i would end up, but i figured a 4 star would be nice and i would feel good having a little pampering after shuffling all over the city. what a surprise it was when it was revealed that i was staying at le parc suites. le parc suites is the first place i ever stayed in los angeles, the first time i ever visited the city. courtney had flown me out and put me up there for several days. i remember feeling so chic and i still have a corkscrew with the hotels name on it to this day.

when i arrived, it was exactly as i had remembered. as i went to check-in, i noticed a large tour bus pulling off. again, i got this feeling that this was still happening for a reason, maybe something to do with him, but when i asked the valet who the tour bus belonged to, it was no one that meant anything to me. still, i had planned to go in, bathe, and put on my makeup. i wanted to be out and about looking beautiful, but i ended up feeling lazy and decided to stay in and relax. i was hungry so i went to the nearby 7-11 and bought a bag full of crap, only to decide i needed a hotdog while i was checking out. slightly embarassed but completely ravenous,  i ate the hotdog in the parking lot as i thought to myself how mortified i would be if he happened to see me.

back at the hotel, i made microwave food and scolded myself for it. i put on a mask and lounged around the suite getting ready for bed, snacking on chips. my phone rang. “bread in the oven bakin’…” , my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. it was pounding and i couldn’t bring myself to even pick up the phone. i had seen him online on messenger, but i definitely was not expecting a call. i had to calm myself, smoke a cigarette, smoke a spliff, do deep breathing as i ran around and jumped up and down like a giddy school girl. i couldn’t believe he was calling, that he called. today, tonight, now, of all times. and he left a message!

i decided to finish getting ready for bed and climb in before calling him back. talking in bed was something we did often and i was looking forward to it like christmas morning. i dialed his number and as it rang, i filled with anticipation… only to reach voicemail. i had only waited ten minutes to return the call, where could he be? brick wall. again. sigh. so i turned on the tv and tried to forget about it. a few minutes later, i received a text message. “what up?” … OMG OMG OMG. i called him back and it sounded like he was in a loud bar. i inquired and he confirmed, then asked where i was. i told him LA, but he didn’t relent and wanted to know where in LA. “oh, i’m in a hotel in west hollywood, where are you”. he responded that he was at barney’s beanery and my heart skipped a beat. that was walking distance from me and right next to the 7-11 i had visited only an hour earlier. i laughed at him and questioned why he would be there of all places. he said it was down the street from his hotel. he said his credit was about to be finished and i said i wasn’t done talking. he told me to come meet him for a drink. so i did.