I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.