I’ve realized that I need to get myself into a routine to help with my ADD and getting my life back on track. I’m going to start slow so that it is manageable, but I think it’s important that I commit to something. I have a few million different ideas, but one I think would really mean a lot to me could be done in conjunction with my own healing. I want to create a product/workbook that could be sold to help others. I will develop it for my own weight and body issues healing. I want to combine a diet along with a journal regimen, that asks 90 important questions, 1 per day for 90 days. In order to create a successful product, I need to test it and insure that it actually works. In doing so, I can use my own photographs and will be a real life example of it’s success. I know all the right things to do to lose weight, feel better emotionally, etc., but I have been procrastinating doing them. I keep putting it off until tomorrow and my life is slipping away from me. I want to regain control of myself and I think by creating and testing this method with writing everyday for 90 days, I can see significant results not only in my weight and body issues, but in every area of my life.

I am going to start December 1. The diet part will consist of mostly green smoothies, juices, simple raw foods and vegan soups if needed (for the cold months). I want to stick to mostly green smoothies, but I think it’s important for me to allow some variety to keep myself from failing. This is 90 days or 3 months – it will go by quickly, but at the same time, there will be days where it seems to go on forever and I will want to give up. I can’t though – this is the one thing I am going to commit to work on for the next 3 months. All of December, January, and February is exactly 90 days so it works out perfectly. After I complete these 3 months, I will have a better idea of how my program works and I can spend the Spring months creating, editing, and finalizing the workbook.

Of course, exercise is going to be an important aspect of the program as well, but it will be less regimented. I am just going to ask myself and others to do some form of exercise 5 days a week – even if that means just putting on shoes and walking outside. The most important aspect of the program will be answering and writing about the daily questions for 90 days. I am going to spend time today coming up with at least 50 questions, but hopefully I can come up with an entire list. Now I need to get to the library, deposit my checks, and get ready to go to the focus group this evening. I also need to stop by whole foods and get some bananas and possibly mangoes, apples, and other fruits.

I had my employee come into work today. She arrived late in the afternoon and was of some help, but having my mother came over was the real brute force. I turned down her offer to help last night. The whole house was/is just overwhelming. You don’t know where to turn or what to do because there is just crap everywhere. I really had intended to go through all of these things and get totally organized, but now we are down to the wire and there really isn’t time for that anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I did organize a lot, but as far as selling things goes, I have yet to list a single thing. 

I am so turned off eBay and dealing with customers and shipping and sales, I just don’t want to look at it. It is such a hassle to go through all the various processes to get things listed, then managed, then shipped, boring and tedious. I have been procrastinating and putting that off, but it’s really show time now and I don’t have any time to waste. I need to have these items listed to sell and I’m not nervous because it all may have to be out by a week from tomorrow! Yikes! Where will it all go? I guess the next week is going to be really, really busy for me. I will at least be rewarded with a trip to Japan at the end of it. 

I need to remember that promise that I made to myself about getting all of the pictures taken and items listed and things packed up in order to be able to justify taking this trip. I sort of let myself forget that and didn’t stay focussed or live up to my promise to myself. Promises to myself and trusting myself are big issues I am dealing with right now. I do know that I need to follow through on these things, but I don’t end up doing them, oftentimes, until it’s too late. I have squandered away so much money just by failing to live up to my responsibilities towards myself. It’s sickening really.

I did make some progress today though. I did drink my green smoothie and I did go out for exercise. I also packed most of my house other than the bathrooms. I don’t feel like I should pack bathroom type goods to go into storage for 6+ months. That just doesn’t make sense. I wonder if I should pack my lights and tables and all of that good stuff. It would probably be a good idea. And shit, what am I going to do with all my huge storage shelves? It is looking like I am going to need S afterall to manage the selling off of this stuff. 

I don’t know why I thought I could really pull this off and I stopped myself as I started to type that because I couldn’t believe what I am saying, but I guess that is how I am really feeling deep down. I know that I can pull this off if I put my mind to it and work hard, but I’ve been having a difficult time getting to that place. I bought some red bull today and then I smoked some in the afternoon. It was my first red bull ever and it tasted like candy cough syrup. I had no idea. I don’t think it’s something that anyone should look to drink on a regular basis, I feel like it’s probably highly addictive in a sick sort of way. Why do I say that? I found myself back at the store this evening buying myself another 16oz. can. What am I thinking??!

I talked to a good friend today for quite awhile and he really made me feel better on the relationship front. He offered a good perspective and kept me from doing something I didn’t really want to do anyway. By that, I mean calling a close friend that disrespected me out of nowhere, a lashing out, likely stemming from being in the midst of a long, drawn out breakup. But maybe not. The maybe not has been driving me crazy, the lack of caring or importance of my feelings too. Maybe I expect to much of my friends, maybe I don’t. This is how I am though and he more than anyone does know this. Now I suppose it’s the wondering how long it’s going to take him to man up and apologize, but hopefully I can focus on everything else going on right now and remove this from the forefront of my mind. What good is calling someone an asshole when you’ve already said it hundreds of times before? What good is being friends with an asshole, much less close close friends? Whatever it is, I know that things will change is going to happen and I know that I’ll be better of for it and grow in the end.