I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

i’ve officially lost more than 10 pounds so i should probably congratulate myself on the progress, even if it is not as much as i would have liked. it is progress. only a few more pounds to go to reach my first major goal and i am pretty certain i can achieve that goal by the end of the month if i really put my heart into it. considering a piece of my heart is suddenly back on the scene, that should make things a little easier as long as i channel this as positive energy.

although i have slacked off on the pilates this week, i am looking forward to finishing it up with a solid 2 workouts thursday and friday. they will be my last 2 and i am really going to miss these classes, but i need to do what i need to do. i think it might be a good idea to have a plan for austin, walking everyday should certainly be included. i need to do more though, i need to keep up the muscle definition. i guess researching exercise options in austin would be a good move.

i need to have a green smoothie again tomorrow and start the day off with my bowl of oatmeal. i was doing so well with taking my supplements at every meal and washing my face twice a day, but now that i have been uprooted, i am finding it difficult to stick to my regimen. maybe i need a home, a stable place to have some semblance of routine. tomorrow morning, i am going to wake and make my oatmeal and tea. i will take my morning supplements and play scrabble. 

i should go ahead and start wearing the patches that i was sent. i will know immediately if they are placebo or not and if not, then i have been chosen to quit smoking WITHOUT any sort of crutch. i know that i can quit smoking so i need to just do it. i will feel so much better about myself and it will be the first and easiest step in completing a MAJOR goal for myself. i can’t magically get skinny over night, but i can become a non-smoker overnight. so, it’s settled. tomorrow i quit smoking forever and ever. 

i want my heart and my heart needs me to love myself.