I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.

i need to commit to the exercise and just really go for it. i don’t have much else going on and i can easily fit it within my schedule. it’s not true to say i don’t have a lot going on, but i am flexible. i want to get all of my things organized and listed for sale by the end of the month so i can spend all of may finalizing and working on luxurate. 

i’ve decided to keep writing as often as possible, just to get in the habit, but also to chronicle my efforts. i am turning thirty at the end of the summer and i am determined to deal with these issues so the next thirty years of my life will not be clouded with body and confidence issues. i know this isn’t going to happen miraculously overnight, but i do know from experience that my confidence increases when i lose weight and become more comfortable with my body.

i know i need to be dating as much as i can. i need to get out there and experience men and find what really suits me. i don’t know that he is actually the one for me, but i’ll never know if there is someone else or for sure if it’s him unless i “shop” (as my mom would say) long and hard. i want to have a child in the next five years and i want it to be in a stable relationship with a man that makes me happy. i can’t do those things unless i get over my body issues and really put myself out there. 

i am beautiful, and i can be a triple threat with super confidence when i achieve this. there really can’t be a question or a delay anymore. this is my life and as the sign at brothers house says, “enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”. i’m about to be a real, Real, REAL adult and it’s time to live my life to the fullest.

ps – i want to be under 200 by may 1 and i think it’s entirely achievable. only 2 pounds in a week? i can totally do that!

Sunday, February 22 -Begin mediterranean diet meal plan & personal training.
Reward: OTC Order

Wednesday, February 25 – Give up high fructose corn syrup (soda) & stop smoking in cars.

Sunday, March 1 – Stop smoking cold turkey & walk 20 minutes every day.
Reward: Facial

Sunday, March 8 – Walk 30 minutes everyday
Reward: Wallet 

Sunday, March 15 – Walk 40 minutes everyday
Reward: Shoes

Sunday, March 22 – Walk 50 minutes everyday
Reward: Handbag 

I also think it’s important for me to blog about my day so I have added the iPhone wordpress app and I am going to make an effort to make small updates daily about what is going on with my progress. it should also help me become a better iPhone typist!

Daily Goals:
Invisalign
Face Regimen
Vitamins
Supplements 

I am so turned off eBay and dealing with customers and shipping and sales, I just don’t want to look at it. It is such a hassle to go through all the various processes to get things listed, then managed, then shipped, boring and tedious. I have been procrastinating and putting that off, but it’s really show time now and I don’t have any time to waste. I need to have these items listed to sell and I’m not nervous because it all may have to be out by a week from tomorrow! Yikes! Where will it all go? I guess the next week is going to be really, really busy for me. I will at least be rewarded with a trip to Japan at the end of it. 

I need to remember that promise that I made to myself about getting all of the pictures taken and items listed and things packed up in order to be able to justify taking this trip. I sort of let myself forget that and didn’t stay focussed or live up to my promise to myself. Promises to myself and trusting myself are big issues I am dealing with right now. I do know that I need to follow through on these things, but I don’t end up doing them, oftentimes, until it’s too late. I have squandered away so much money just by failing to live up to my responsibilities towards myself. It’s sickening really.

I did make some progress today though. I did drink my green smoothie and I did go out for exercise. I also packed most of my house other than the bathrooms. I don’t feel like I should pack bathroom type goods to go into storage for 6+ months. That just doesn’t make sense. I wonder if I should pack my lights and tables and all of that good stuff. It would probably be a good idea. And shit, what am I going to do with all my huge storage shelves? It is looking like I am going to need S afterall to manage the selling off of this stuff. 

I don’t know why I thought I could really pull this off and I stopped myself as I started to type that because I couldn’t believe what I am saying, but I guess that is how I am really feeling deep down. I know that I can pull this off if I put my mind to it and work hard, but I’ve been having a difficult time getting to that place. I bought some red bull today and then I smoked some in the afternoon. It was my first red bull ever and it tasted like candy cough syrup. I had no idea. I don’t think it’s something that anyone should look to drink on a regular basis, I feel like it’s probably highly addictive in a sick sort of way. Why do I say that? I found myself back at the store this evening buying myself another 16oz. can. What am I thinking??!

I talked to a good friend today for quite awhile and he really made me feel better on the relationship front. He offered a good perspective and kept me from doing something I didn’t really want to do anyway. By that, I mean calling a close friend that disrespected me out of nowhere, a lashing out, likely stemming from being in the midst of a long, drawn out breakup. But maybe not. The maybe not has been driving me crazy, the lack of caring or importance of my feelings too. Maybe I expect to much of my friends, maybe I don’t. This is how I am though and he more than anyone does know this. Now I suppose it’s the wondering how long it’s going to take him to man up and apologize, but hopefully I can focus on everything else going on right now and remove this from the forefront of my mind. What good is calling someone an asshole when you’ve already said it hundreds of times before? What good is being friends with an asshole, much less close close friends? Whatever it is, I know that things will change is going to happen and I know that I’ll be better of for it and grow in the end.