I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

I had my employee come into work today. She arrived late in the afternoon and was of some help, but having my mother came over was the real brute force. I turned down her offer to help last night. The whole house was/is just overwhelming. You don’t know where to turn or what to do because there is just crap everywhere. I really had intended to go through all of these things and get totally organized, but now we are down to the wire and there really isn’t time for that anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I did organize a lot, but as far as selling things goes, I have yet to list a single thing. 

I am so turned off eBay and dealing with customers and shipping and sales, I just don’t want to look at it. It is such a hassle to go through all the various processes to get things listed, then managed, then shipped, boring and tedious. I have been procrastinating and putting that off, but it’s really show time now and I don’t have any time to waste. I need to have these items listed to sell and I’m not nervous because it all may have to be out by a week from tomorrow! Yikes! Where will it all go? I guess the next week is going to be really, really busy for me. I will at least be rewarded with a trip to Japan at the end of it. 

I need to remember that promise that I made to myself about getting all of the pictures taken and items listed and things packed up in order to be able to justify taking this trip. I sort of let myself forget that and didn’t stay focussed or live up to my promise to myself. Promises to myself and trusting myself are big issues I am dealing with right now. I do know that I need to follow through on these things, but I don’t end up doing them, oftentimes, until it’s too late. I have squandered away so much money just by failing to live up to my responsibilities towards myself. It’s sickening really.

I did make some progress today though. I did drink my green smoothie and I did go out for exercise. I also packed most of my house other than the bathrooms. I don’t feel like I should pack bathroom type goods to go into storage for 6+ months. That just doesn’t make sense. I wonder if I should pack my lights and tables and all of that good stuff. It would probably be a good idea. And shit, what am I going to do with all my huge storage shelves? It is looking like I am going to need S afterall to manage the selling off of this stuff. 

I don’t know why I thought I could really pull this off and I stopped myself as I started to type that because I couldn’t believe what I am saying, but I guess that is how I am really feeling deep down. I know that I can pull this off if I put my mind to it and work hard, but I’ve been having a difficult time getting to that place. I bought some red bull today and then I smoked some in the afternoon. It was my first red bull ever and it tasted like candy cough syrup. I had no idea. I don’t think it’s something that anyone should look to drink on a regular basis, I feel like it’s probably highly addictive in a sick sort of way. Why do I say that? I found myself back at the store this evening buying myself another 16oz. can. What am I thinking??!

I talked to a good friend today for quite awhile and he really made me feel better on the relationship front. He offered a good perspective and kept me from doing something I didn’t really want to do anyway. By that, I mean calling a close friend that disrespected me out of nowhere, a lashing out, likely stemming from being in the midst of a long, drawn out breakup. But maybe not. The maybe not has been driving me crazy, the lack of caring or importance of my feelings too. Maybe I expect to much of my friends, maybe I don’t. This is how I am though and he more than anyone does know this. Now I suppose it’s the wondering how long it’s going to take him to man up and apologize, but hopefully I can focus on everything else going on right now and remove this from the forefront of my mind. What good is calling someone an asshole when you’ve already said it hundreds of times before? What good is being friends with an asshole, much less close close friends? Whatever it is, I know that things will change is going to happen and I know that I’ll be better of for it and grow in the end.