I went to the doctor today and discovered I had gained 37 pounds in the past year. Not that this was a huge shock, I was figuring about 40 just by guessing what my previous weight had been. Of course the doctors scale always weighs higher than the at-home scale, but I remember leaving the doctor last year being upset my weight at THAT time. At that point, I had only gained about 20 pounds from my lowest weight, but I was still very disappointed. Today I weigh 57 pounds above my lowest weight. Wow. I just had to do the math to get that number and it is ASTONISHING. I am so completely and utterly ashamed that I have allowed myself to slip back to this point. I always said “that won’t happen to me” or “I will never regain the weight” and here I am writing about it. 

I have to say its somewhat defeating to think about. To remember how hard I worked and how easy it was to keep it off for all of those years and then how quickly I packed the pounds back on. I can see it in my body, especially my arms lately. I hate to look in the mirror because I am disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen after everything that I have been through? How can I prevent this from happening again next time? Can I even do it? Am I crazy for thinking I could ever be anything other than a fat girl? Am I crazy to think I could move past it all and “get over it”? I really want to, I am so tired of fat being my life and being what defines me in my mind and others. 

I have become lethargic and lazy. Depressed and miserable. I hate myself and I hate my body for this. I know that I need to love myself and love my body to care for it properly, but how do you do that when you look at yourself in disgust? How can you? How can I? I guess I have got to try. I have to take care of my body. I have to love myself and my body to believe I can work through this and see it all the way through 100%. I have a tendency to go 85-95% and then give up and go the other direction. A fear of success and a fear of failure that has ultimately ended up be a sub conscious self fulfilling prophecy.

I have yet to truly succeed with my weight loss and body image goals and that is what I am going to set out to do one milestone at a time until I have reached 100%. I guess that means I will need to define those milestones and what exactly 100% means, but I will have to define those as I get a better grasp on how I am dealing with this all. I have some ideas in my head in terms of body fat % instead of numbers or pounds on the scale, but I’ll need to work out the math and make a concrete plan over the coming days.  I need to start out by keeping promises to myself. My first promise is that I will start the day off with a green smoothie and a 10 minute walk. Baby steps.