Today I am feeling like an asshole. There are two things I desire so much right now, and I fear I may be pushing too hard or fighting for them too much. I am afraid of losing because I want them so badly. I feel like they are the perfect fit, meant to be, and if so, they will. I can’t help but feel unsettled about it though. I am also angry with myself that I overslept after making a commitment to myself to wake up early and go to pilates this morning. I know I would be having a much better day if I had done that. I wouldn’t feel like a lazy asshole, that’s for sure.

I want this apartment. I feel it in my bones, I know that it is mine. I am nervous, very nervous because of my credit, but I still feel like it is mine. I will be fine if I don’t get it, but I really need this to work out as it is perfect for me in so many ways. I hope that he calls me today and let’s me know it’s mine because I really want to have something positive and not feel like I’ve wasted more time on something that didn’t end up happening.

On that note, I woke up to an article in the New York Daily news and couldn’t help but feel compelled to make contact with the dream job people about it. I called my contact who encouraged me to elaborate on the issue and I wrote up a quick email detailing my perspective on and thanking her for the interview. The email was a little blunt in terms of telling them how serious the problem is, but it is truly how I feel and I am glad that I got it off my chest. Do I hope it results in a lucrative job offer? Of course, but if it doesn’t and they just deal with the problem I will be happy.

Oh, please call and give me news about my new home being mine today- that is all I really care about at this point and I hope that I can start to feel settled and get myself into a routine with some sort of semblance of a schedule for work very soon. I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and feeling unsettled. I am so excited to have my own place, I want my dream apartment to be a reality now! poof!

i didn’t reread last weeks entry, but i know i was feeling depressed and unsettled. i am happy to report that i am feeling pretty amazing this sunday, much more confident and assure of the next steps i’llbe making. which is a bit surprising considering i received news mid-week that i was NOT hired for the dream job. yet at least. there is still promise and hope for future endeavors, but the informal and cold rejection note has been a catalyst to what i really want more than anything right now: a home.

i think i found the perfect apartment, i just hope i get it considering my not-so-perfect credit. it feels right and i think i can call it home for many, many years, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed and energy focussed on it being mine. the more i think about it, the more i am sure it is what i have been looking for and more. perfect location, great price, huge space, fantastic architecture, quiet street, bright but cool with lots of trees and greenery, a rooftop to sunbathe and take in the view. there are a few things that need to be addressed, but i am confident they can be dealt with. it feels like the stars have aligned for this place, but i am nervous considering what happened with the dream job and my feelings about it. i’m staying positive though, because i feel like that’s not really over anyway.

he called this morning. i always love to hear from him and of course today was no exception. our conversations are just comforting, talking about everything and nothing. i can’t compare them to those with anyone else because there is the romantic/sexual aspect for me that is not prevalent in my other close friendships. i can have long, mindless conversations with a few others, but nothing compares to the satisfaction i feel from a chat with him. i’m glad he is back in my life, but i have to continue to remind myself to love lukewarm and not let the relationship envelop me as it so easily has in the past.

i lost 2.6 pounds this week and 2.1% body fat. sweet! what’s better is that i finally made it under 200! i just skimmed through last weeks post where i wrote that last sunday was the last day i would vow “to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.” while i have not been perfect this week, i have considered this when making choices and it has helped. i stocked up on groceries and cooked at home more than i ate out, and obviously it helped. i know i had started my period last week so that also has to be factored in, but this week i am very proud of myself, loving that i finally made it below 200, and intend to keep it that way. this week i am going to focus on eating healthy at home not only because i want to lose weight, but because i never want to see 200 on the scale again.