My storage containers were delivered this morning, a major cue to get on with it and “get ‘er done”. I was watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s Chapter 3 class last night and it seemed to help a bit. I understand the concepts and have for awhile, but I have a stubborn ego! With so much I need to do, it can often be hard to think about. Often times, I will be lying in bed and remember something I need to do. Immediately I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that is incredibly uncomfortable and as quickly as I can, I switch my thoughts to something else. The level of anxiety that arises is unbearable. 

I know the simple solution to this anxiety is to complete my tasks and be free of them, but I suppose I am quite intimidated by it all. It’s a lot to get done and I know once I am done, I will have so much more freedom and much less anxiety. I know that I will be on the road to my new unknown life and adventures. Maybe that is what I am afraid of? Peace? Contentment? Freedom? Responsibility?

Of course I will still have responsibilities and I suppose that is one thing I wish I could do without. Paperwork, Accounting, Taxes, and all of that necessary red tape is such a chore to me. Even collecting and sorting through the mail is such an issue for me to get done. Then anxiety comes as to what happens when I’m gone and I pass this burden on to my parents. They are much more adept at dealing with these things and I can assure you that anything needing to be dealt with, will be dealt with, rather than sitting in a pile of mail in the corner pretending it doesn’t exist. I guess that’s a good thing, but I prefer to ignore things I don’t want to deal with.

The next week is a culmination of everything I haven’t gotten done or taken care of for the past few years. It has to be done now or stored. There is the car accident claim, my taxes, my debt, and everything else. I will finally have it organized with the deadlines (that may have already passed) and milestones setup for payments. I need to migrate all of my sites to their new networks so that they will start earning, or rather, so that they won’t STOP earning on May 1. 

I’m hungry. I want to eat something, but nothing in my house sounds appetizing. I have a car for the day, so I feel like I should eat something special. I have some ideas in mind, but none are too healthy. It seems tomorrow is always the beginning for my diet as today there are too many anxieties and responsibilities to fit in a workout or healthy eating. I know this is a poor outlook, but that’s how it’s been lately. Maybe I’ll take the car and pickup some groceries from the store to use to eat at home. Maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see how the day goes. 

I’m tired of complaining and I know it serves no purpose. I don’t want to always be complaining to my friends or having problems. That is not attractive and does nothing but reinforce the negative feelings I have. I’m going to make an effort to banish these thoughts and hopefully it will help. Perhaps I will leave them for here, a place to get them out without ambushing them on friends and family. At least for now. Ideally, I’d like to stop allowing myself to dwell on negative and defeating thoughts. 

I better get going with my day. I still have not managed to get moving earlier than noon. I stay up late and with no reason not to hit snooze, I do it again and again. Maybe that will be something I tackle soon, maybe it won’t. I really don’t see my sleeping schedule as being a major issue causing me problems, but perhaps there is not something I’m seeing now. I obviously desire to wake up at 8am everyday, I just have no requirement to do so and I sleep in.