i didn’t reread last weeks entry, but i know i was feeling depressed and unsettled. i am happy to report that i am feeling pretty amazing this sunday, much more confident and assure of the next steps i’llbe making. which is a bit surprising considering i received news mid-week that i was NOT hired for the dream job. yet at least. there is still promise and hope for future endeavors, but the informal and cold rejection note has been a catalyst to what i really want more than anything right now: a home.

i think i found the perfect apartment, i just hope i get it considering my not-so-perfect credit. it feels right and i think i can call it home for many, many years, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed and energy focussed on it being mine. the more i think about it, the more i am sure it is what i have been looking for and more. perfect location, great price, huge space, fantastic architecture, quiet street, bright but cool with lots of trees and greenery, a rooftop to sunbathe and take in the view. there are a few things that need to be addressed, but i am confident they can be dealt with. it feels like the stars have aligned for this place, but i am nervous considering what happened with the dream job and my feelings about it. i’m staying positive though, because i feel like that’s not really over anyway.

he called this morning. i always love to hear from him and of course today was no exception. our conversations are just comforting, talking about everything and nothing. i can’t compare them to those with anyone else because there is the romantic/sexual aspect for me that is not prevalent in my other close friendships. i can have long, mindless conversations with a few others, but nothing compares to the satisfaction i feel from a chat with him. i’m glad he is back in my life, but i have to continue to remind myself to love lukewarm and not let the relationship envelop me as it so easily has in the past.

i lost 2.6 pounds this week and 2.1% body fat. sweet! what’s better is that i finally made it under 200! i just skimmed through last weeks post where i wrote that last sunday was the last day i would vow “to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.” while i have not been perfect this week, i have considered this when making choices and it has helped. i stocked up on groceries and cooked at home more than i ate out, and obviously it helped. i know i had started my period last week so that also has to be factored in, but this week i am very proud of myself, loving that i finally made it below 200, and intend to keep it that way. this week i am going to focus on eating healthy at home not only because i want to lose weight, but because i never want to see 200 on the scale again.

so i think i have found a gym that i am going to go to for the next 30 days while i am in town. they offer tons of classes all day every day and i think i will be able to happily workout several times per day without getting bored. i have been eating pretty good, but i know that the key for me has always been the exercise. that is why a workout regimen is so important for me to stick to. i don’t want to just be skinny, i want to be fit and i want to have muscles, especially a killer stomach. is it too much to ask for great abs? well, i’d love a great ass too. my breasts are pretty much a lost cause, my 85 year old grandmothers might just look better than mine, my mother’s definitely do, and there is not really any getting around a surgery if i want them to stand up on their own. from experience, they only get worse with weight loss.

i need to commit to the exercise and just really go for it. i don’t have much else going on and i can easily fit it within my schedule. it’s not true to say i don’t have a lot going on, but i am flexible. i want to get all of my things organized and listed for sale by the end of the month so i can spend all of may finalizing and working on luxurate. 

i’ve decided to keep writing as often as possible, just to get in the habit, but also to chronicle my efforts. i am turning thirty at the end of the summer and i am determined to deal with these issues so the next thirty years of my life will not be clouded with body and confidence issues. i know this isn’t going to happen miraculously overnight, but i do know from experience that my confidence increases when i lose weight and become more comfortable with my body.

i know i need to be dating as much as i can. i need to get out there and experience men and find what really suits me. i don’t know that he is actually the one for me, but i’ll never know if there is someone else or for sure if it’s him unless i “shop” (as my mom would say) long and hard. i want to have a child in the next five years and i want it to be in a stable relationship with a man that makes me happy. i can’t do those things unless i get over my body issues and really put myself out there. 

i am beautiful, and i can be a triple threat with super confidence when i achieve this. there really can’t be a question or a delay anymore. this is my life and as the sign at brothers house says, “enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”. i’m about to be a real, Real, REAL adult and it’s time to live my life to the fullest.

ps – i want to be under 200 by may 1 and i think it’s entirely achievable. only 2 pounds in a week? i can totally do that!