i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

i feel really happy right now. i feel like everything is going how it should be and what i am working for. of course i need to get more regimented, but i am moving, i am going to pilates, i am doing the things i need to do to get this job. i am talking to him openly and feeling secure in who i am and what i believe. i really feel great. i love that he is living his dream right now and still feels like he is not there. i love that he is not there yet, but is a little paranoid and nervous. i just love him and i am so happy that he is back in my life. i know i have to love lukewarm, but i feel so pleased with how my life is progressing at this point.

of course i want to be thinner and lose weight faster, but i am becoming happy from the inside out and it will come. i feel content with myself, who i am, and what i have to offer. i know i can be a great employee for this job, even being the girl that never wanted to be an employee or have a job. i know i will be really good and enjoy myself. i know i can be a good friend and have a good relationship with him.

i feel a shift in my perception of my relationship with him. i think its amazing to have a person like him in my life, someone that i can connect with so will, who understands me, who gets me so naturally. someone that i get so naturally, that i can relate to, that i can support, that i can uplift. it feels nice. i don’t really care how many other girls there are, i know that he does that for me and i can feel

lately, i have been longing for him more than i would like. i know that we are not for one another, but i know that i will always love him, under any circumstances. i have never felt so drawn to or intertwined with another person and i can’t comprehend the reason or the resistance – it’s as if he were a drug. of course my ego wants to know it’s not alone, and insecurities boiled to the surface because of it, but ultimately reciprocity is not important.

what i really long for is complete love for myself … which includes my body. really the focus is more on my body as that is really the only element i am not comfortable with in myself. i started going to pilates again and i am walking up to 4 miles per day. i haven’t been eating 100% raw as i would like, but i am feeling motivated and determined to accomplish the health goals and habits i have set out to achieve long-term.

i’m being lazy this morning, but i AM going to move my ass. i am going to get on my gear and go for a long, long walk. maybe i’ll even try to throw in a few sprints here and there. the point is that the time is now and i am so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. no one wants an overweight or an obese woman to be their wife, their employee, or really even their friend. i mean, of course people see beyond that, but it’s still an issue.

i don’t have any fat friends. i thinks some of my female friends would prefer i stay fat. less competition. ugh. my legs are asleep from sitting on my ass so long. i need to get out of bed. no more lazy me. banana for breakfast then supplements and a long, long movement session around the parks.

play time is over. my health is deteriorating and the things i want most in this life i may never get if i do not take care of myself. the truth is that i am lazy and i love to indulge in excess. unfortunately it is visible in layers and layers of fat all over my body. fat that may prevent me from getting the man of my dreams, but also my dream job. i know the job is mine, but i want to feel confident and look beautiful. i don’t want to be a fat slob…. which is basically what i have been for the past several years.

no more. tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. green smoothies, exercise, waking up early, getting myself into a routine, taking my supplements, caring for my skin properly, regular showers, manicures, waxing, etc – basically just taking really excellent care of myself.

i deserve it and i want to present the best me possible. no more being lazy and indulgent – i don’t want to forfeit my real dreams and passions because i don’t put the work into myself i should.

i love myself and i will no longer neglect my body, mind, or spirit. it’s time for the true me to emerge from underneath this fat.

… or something like that. I have been working long hours. Probably working too much, not finding the right balance. I totally stopped going to the gym, I totally stopped waking up early, I totally stopped taking my vitamins, eating properly, taking care of my skin, wearing my invisalign, doing anything other than being glued to the computer and smoking cigarettes basically. I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I get so obsessed with it I just can’t make myself stop… and then I do and I sit and stare at the same thing for possibly hours and think about my next course of action. I feel I stall in this stage too long though. I am so exhausted and drained from all the work I put in the previous hours, I just stare at the screen blankly and think.

I know that I need to find balance. I need to be able to sustain these new projects and enjoy it long-term. This is not a get rich quick overnight success, it’s going to take some time. If you had followed through years ago when you started these projects, you would be much further along. Instead, you left them on the backburner to ‘get rich quick’ and made a few bucks, but ultimately the revenue decreased because you didn’t follow through. Yes, apparently I am talking to myself now on the blog. I see these other sites that are not as great as my vision that are highly regarded and achieving success and recognition. I KNOW I can do it, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

I am really pleased with the results I’ve been having on the community site. I have been tinkering with adsense, trying to make sense of why it makes virtually no money. I made a few improvements, the major one being removing ads for members, and it has made a huge impact on click-throughs. I also moved the ad placement to a more prominent location so I think that definitely plays a role, but I could never show that ad to members where it is located, they would kill me. 7 years later, I had an epiphany about how to work that collage into a design that is functional for the forum. I don’t know exactly how to do it, and I know I would spend hours and hours tinkering to figure it out, so I put out a call to the universe to find someone that can code it for me and make it super slick. Now, if only I could gain control of the FTP and update the old cow.

As for the fashion site, I am fairly pleased with the results so far. I have not been posting as many daily updates as I should, but I am still getting into the swing of things. I know I am going to have to work hard on it day and night for the next several months and I need to spend more time creating content than I do on link building and promotion. Those things will come with the quality content and I need to remember that.

One of the threads that has been running through my life lately is the idea of sharing. Moreso, the idea of sharing without expecting or receiving anything in return. Obviously I do expect to receive financial payoff at some point in time, but in the short-term, I am focussed on providing valuable content to visitors. I want to make them happy and when they are happy, they will like me. It’s all this big psychological fucked up way the universe works, but basically, it is very true. When you make others look good, it makes you look good by default. When you help others freely, others help you freely.

I would be gaining so much right now had I been more willing to share my knowledge when I was a seller. If I were willing to publish that and share my ’secrets’, it probably would not have impacted me as much as I thought it would and I would be reaping the rewards now. This isn’t about looking back and saying ‘Oh, woe is me’, it’s about learning that lesson from my past and not making the same mistake again in the future. I need to stick with my goals and my dreams, get past the tipping point, and see the success through. I know I can do it, it has just taken me some time to get to this point in my life.

I am pleased with the way things are progressing, if not a bit frightened. I have to put that fear aside because I know it will be okay and I know the things I am doing in my life are the right things. Building websites is my life – and I feel so strange typing out that sentence – but I really can’t imagine doing anything else. These are my property, my virtual real estate, and I need to keep them well manicured and do things to improve and increase the value of the entire neighborhood, not just my own hotels … I really wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I do enjoy it, so I need to relish in it.

I’m not going to write about how much I suck, because I am actually feeling quite proud of myself for all of the things that I have been doing, but I do think I still have plenty of room for improvement, and one of those areas involves writing regularly and keeping myself in check. This morning I had told myself that I was going to quit smoking, but of course, I woke up wanting a cigarette. I suppose I knew better, as I have had more success in the past if I put the patch on before I go to sleep so I don’t have that massive craving for nicotine first thing in the morning, but I was trying to be miss smarty pants and show my willpower and I lost. That sort of set the day off on on a less than ideal route and I’ve been lounging around reading all afternoon.

One thing is for sure, I am going to bed by 10pm tonight. I really want to head for bed around 9pm and be asleep by 10, but I absolutely need to wake up at 8am tomorrow to start my day and that is going to be difficult unless I just can’t stay asleep anymore. This is called adjusting your sleep schedule by brute force.

I wrote that earlier in the day and became sidetrack, It’s now 8:49pm and I am about to get ready for bed. I am disappointed in myself that I had such a lazy day and didn’t accomplish much, but I did read some good material, have some good meditations, and I feel rejuvenated and ready to start the week with a kick tomorrow morning.  I have pilates at 9am so I want to wakeup at 8 and eat breakfast around 8:15am. I am curious to see what the pilates class will be like and I hope that it is challenging. I think I should also plan to walk on the treadmill for at least half an hour. Otherwise, I should do the EFX. We’ll see how I am feeling based on the class.

After that I have a block of 7 hours and in that time I think I need to focus specifically on getting all of these eBay items listed and packed away. I should also unlock the iPhone with the latest software and reduce it’s listing price to something a bit lower. That will be the focus of the day and everything else needs to be turned off so I can just get it done. I read some motivational ideas on productivity today and have come across some inspirational sites in the last few days so I think everything is on track as it should be.

Aside from the smoking. I need to stop. I have to stop. I want to stop. So why do I continue? All of these things are crutches. They are just here to give me a false sense of confidence and control when they are the things that are really controlling me. Food and Cigarettes are my nemesis, yet I cling to them. I have been a lot better about eating. I have been losing weight and I think I will achieve my goal of being under 200 by the end of the month. So yay!

I want to lose a minimum of 10 more pounds before I go back to LA, but of course, I would prefer to work my ass off and lose more like 15-20. I know I can do it if I do all the right things, and I need to be doing those anyway to achieve 10, so why not shoot for more? I’m ready to be over this obsession with my body and just love it and take care of it. I know what it righteous and what is not, so why keep falling victim to the weakness?

I am ready to take over the world in my own way and tired of feeling like I have to hide myself. I hide myself and shy away from things because I am not confident in how I look. I am so exhausted from being overweight and unhappy with my body and how it effects every single thing I do every day and every hour of my life? I want to feel proud of everything I do and everything that I am, including my body, my work, my dreams, my motivations, everything. I can’t do that until I honor the commitments and keep the promises that I make to myself.

Tonight I am going to go to bed with a patch on. I am going to complete the 8 week program and not smoke a single cigarette. No cheating, no puffs here or there. No exceptions. I can do this. I know that it will be better for my body. I know that it will be better for my mind. I know that it will be better for me financially. There is no reason NOT to quit smoking cigarettes, other than I am addicted and it is a crutch. I will NOT use smoking as a crutch any longer. I want my lungs to be clear and free and I do not want to have the chest pains that I have been experiencing today. I am getting older and I cannot afford to continue on with these bad habits. I am just opening myself up to having more diseases and if I don’t try to reverse this now, I could not have as full and long of a life as I would like. Three of my grandparents died early of disease and I do not want the same to happen to me – or my parents.

While I am here I want to set a good example for my father and make an impact on him. It hurts me to see him smoking and drinking so much. He doesn’t get out of control or abusive or anything, but I know it is not good for his health. He doesn’t need to do it, but he’s retired now so maybe he is bored. Whatever the case may be, I don’t want to smoke anymore because I don’t want him to smoke anymore and I think I am being a hypocrite if I tell him not to smoke while I am continuing to smoke away. I don’t want my mother smoking either. It’s a terrible habit. I could sit here and blame them for allowing me to develop the habit, but ultimately I did it to myself. I don’t know if I would have become a smoker had they not been smokers when I was growing up, but I think it certainly contributed to my addiction and my belief that it was okay to be a smoker.

I started taking Kelp supplements on April 8, however I was not taking them consistently every day until April 20. On April 24, I started going to the gym and tracking my weight. Every day since then I have lost a half a pound per day consistently. I know it’s still too early to really tell if that is the culprit and if it will continue, however I am very hopeful and will definitely continue to take these daily.

I am taking them at night with my last dosage of vitamins and supplements. I already take a b-complex and rhodiola rosea in the morning for a little boost, so I think it’s fine to take it at night and let it absorb into my body. I have yet to really see any major improvements with the rosea, however it could actually also be a contributor to the weight loss I’ve been experiencing.

I will continue to take them everyday for a full month and see how I am feeling before I can really determine a difference. From what I have read, it actually takes awhile to build up in your system. I am definitely watching though.

I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

Writing is what I need to be doing so badly now. I need to just get this out of my head and into words. It helps me sort things out and stay on track. Developing the habit is always the hard part, but once it’s there, it is such a great tool for me. I have been thinking a lot about my weight and my body. Thinking about the fact that I really am getting older. I don’t have unlimited time and I need to stop being so consumed by this struggle. I know deeply within myself that I can achieve whatever I desire, but there is obviously something about this particularly hurdle in my life that I keep tripping on every time.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.