i feel like no one but my family really loves me… and even then i think a few of those are out of obligation. it’s hard to love the fat girl that doesn’t love herself. i’m the fattie that always seems to be trying so hard to connect with others and failing miserably. i feel like i was only invited to this wedding out of obligation, not because we are even still friends. i can’t fake and pretend like someone is my best friend when i barely speak to them and even more when they don’t return my calls. some people obviously are much better at pretend world and as a result are going to be bridesmaids in said wedding. some people are obviously much better at getting people to pay for things and buy them things. not that i’m trying to do that, but it’s remarkable how some people manipulate others into financing all sorts of things, yet i try asking directly and honestly and it’s ignored. apparently she really doesn’t care about me at all or want me there. or maybe she is just so busy with the wedding she can’t think about it. or whatever. and maybe i don’t care about her, more about the big to-do, the luxury, extravagance of it all. truthfully, it’s not just the fact that the last minute transportation made it financially impossible for me to attend, but that i am insecure about how i look, what i would be wearing, and not being happy about it.

i had those anxieties even when i thought i WAS going. i was concerned about being around my old smoking friends, i was concerned about being the fat one, and i was concerned about spending an arm and a leg on a dress i was not comfortable in. so it’s probably better that i am not going, but i do wish i could be there to experience this special day. more than anything i wish i could feel confident and happy and full of joy on this day instead of feeling like an unconfident mess. i am so tired of feeling this way. i am so tired of being fat and so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. every public event i go to leaves me feeling this way – from my own birthday party to a simple evening out on the town, i always feel depressed and anxious about my appearance.

it’s really unhealthy. i am really unhealthy. i am obsessed with not being fat to the point that i probably make myself fat. i don’t focus on being healthy, i focus on getting the weight off and how life will be so much better when i’m not fat. being obese really has got to be the worst of all disorders, addictions, ailments – whatever you want to call it – simply because it is immediately visible to everyone. our pain is on our sleeve and you can see it from across the street. sure, there are drug addicts, obsessive compulsive, alcoholics, and so many other ways people abuse themselves, but these are so much more accepted. It’s tragic, but alcoholics and drug addicts still have men hitting on them and wanting sex. fatties, not so much.

so i have a fucked up relationship with two of life’s essential activities – eating and fucking. i don’t want to get depressed but that is how i am feeling right now.