I tend to have these grandiose plans and my level of follow through depends on the day. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, because it isn’t. I didn’t prepare myself and make a proper plan to follow and because of that, I was able to make excuses. I wanted to quit smoking (again) today and eat only raw. I had good intentions, but as the day went by, I realized I failed to plan and thus I apparently planned to fail.

I woke up this morning excited about art class and painting my heart. I had to go pickup some prints so I walked to the place which is about a mile and planned to stop at the grocery store on my way to class to pickup some juice and fruit. I followed through with that plan and got some fresh cold pressed apple juice and bananas. The apple juice did not taste as good as usual, and in hindsight I should have checked the expiration date.

Ever since I moved to the neighborhood, I have noticed men with carts on the corner selling fresh cut fruit. I have been intrigued by it but never tried it, however that changed today. It was a mix of honeydew, cantaloupe, pineapple, coconut, watermelon, and oranges for $3. I knew it would not be top shelf organic fruits so I didn’t have high expectations on taste. The results were mixed but overall mediocre. The pineapple was delicious, but that is probably the only fruit I can rave about. The others were all so-so.

So you see, I did start off the day with good intentions (OK, I did bum a cigarette from someone outside an office building on the way to pickup the prints), but food wise I was on the right track. Until my stomach started burning! I have never experienced this from fruit and I don’t know if it was from the juice or the fruit, but it was not pleasant. From that point, I began to think about Pizza from the nearby café. I had seen someone with one the other day and it had piqued my interest in trying it. I rationalized in my mind that I needed bread to soak up the acid and from that point on, decided that I would be having pizza after class. The craving got so strong, I considered leaving class early or leaving from a break to eat the pizza and then come back. This is how strong and crazy my craving had become. I also developed a headache and convinced myself that it was due to only eating fruit all day. Obviously I know this is my internal demons trying to rationalize my behavior and in the end they won out.

It’s not easy. I was upset with myself as I was eating it, but this is such a habit, that I don’t even beat myself up over it too terribly anymore. I pretty much expect this behavior from myself. When it comes to eating and smoking at the same time, I usually end up justifying making an exception on one at the expense of the other, but this never works. I always end up caving and doing both. It’s a vicious cycle of sabotage. I also bummed another cigarette from someone at the café.

I went home after eating the pizza because I still had a headache and was not feeling well. I ended up lying on the couch and falling asleep for several hours. This is abnormal for me so I think there might have been something wrong with either the juice or the fruit. When I woke up, I decided to go hunting for a cigarette from someone on the street. After several minutes with no luck, the nico-demon took over and I rationalized that I needed cigarettes to get myself on track with the eating raw and that I can conquer that demon next week. I know that is just another way for me to justify my weakness, but I let it control me.

As I made my way to the liquor store to buy cigarettes and Oreas (really?!), I decided that it doesn’t have to be a complete wash – I can still write here. I can still work on the emotional stuff and try to release this vicious shit from my psyche. I realized that this is why I am doing this, why I have to write every day for 90 days, why I have to flush out the questions that are important to ask and important to answer. I have to dig deep into my own psyche and bring out the root of my weaknesses in excess.

I might have failed at following the guidelines I set for myself in eating today, but I also failed in really making a plan to follow. I need to go to the store and be prepared with the proper foods to eat. I need avocados and nuts to give me some substance. I need apples and oranges, celery, carrots. All I had was bananas and a bag of fruit with some bad apple juice and that was just asking for failure. I’m going to plan to write tomorrow morning with my plan for the day and staying on track. I hope tomorrow is more successful than today, but I am grateful for following through with this.