i’m not feeling very well mentally of physically. i know i’m in a bad place right now, but i just feel myself sinking deeper. i guess the only good thing in the equation is my commitment to keep fighting it.

tonight i am going to a meeting in west hollywood for compulsive eaters. it will be my first and i hope that it will be a good experience. i am struggling here looking for support and answers, something to pull myself out of this downward spiral.

i noticed that i have been having a lot of negative self-talk lately and i know that does not help me. the smoking thing and feeling like a failure has really made me feel down. i don’t want to admit my failure to anyone after having quit for 2 months and so happy about it. i really don’t know why i let the nicodemon take over again.

i’m waiting on some books about binge eating and emotional eating that are being transferred to my local library. is all of this just excuses and ways for me to put off what i know i need to do? i mean, i do know the right steps i need to take to lose weight, to eat healthy, to not smoke, but i feel like such a failure because everyday i chose to take steps in the wrong direction.

i guess seeking support outside of myself is not a total waste of time, and i might find myself pleasantly surprised with the results of going to meetings, but i am wary. it’s hard for me to stick to things – and i guess that is precisely the reason i should find a meeting i gel with and go regularly.

apparently people who suffer from ADD are supposed to instill routine into their lives. i think that is why i feel it is so important for me to follow through with this experiment of 90 days of writing. i’m upset that i missed a day when he came over, but i am proud of myself and glad that i picked up the next day and continued on. now if only i could apply the same mentality to eating and smoking.