Today I am feeling like an asshole. There are two things I desire so much right now, and I fear I may be pushing too hard or fighting for them too much. I am afraid of losing because I want them so badly. I feel like they are the perfect fit, meant to be, and if so, they will. I can’t help but feel unsettled about it though. I am also angry with myself that I overslept after making a commitment to myself to wake up early and go to pilates this morning. I know I would be having a much better day if I had done that. I wouldn’t feel like a lazy asshole, that’s for sure.

I want this apartment. I feel it in my bones, I know that it is mine. I am nervous, very nervous because of my credit, but I still feel like it is mine. I will be fine if I don’t get it, but I really need this to work out as it is perfect for me in so many ways. I hope that he calls me today and let’s me know it’s mine because I really want to have something positive and not feel like I’ve wasted more time on something that didn’t end up happening.

On that note, I woke up to an article in the New York Daily news and couldn’t help but feel compelled to make contact with the dream job people about it. I called my contact who encouraged me to elaborate on the issue and I wrote up a quick email detailing my perspective on and thanking her for the interview. The email was a little blunt in terms of telling them how serious the problem is, but it is truly how I feel and I am glad that I got it off my chest. Do I hope it results in a lucrative job offer? Of course, but if it doesn’t and they just deal with the problem I will be happy.

Oh, please call and give me news about my new home being mine today- that is all I really care about at this point and I hope that I can start to feel settled and get myself into a routine with some sort of semblance of a schedule for work very soon. I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and feeling unsettled. I am so excited to have my own place, I want my dream apartment to be a reality now! poof!