i am trying to pull myself out of a slump of depression and feeling really down on myself. it’s so easy to go there if i let myself which is why i feel it’s so important that i not neglect writing about it any longer. i’ve talked about it and i am feeling better than i was last week, but it is still a process every day. it makes me sick to think that i really have slipped back into smoking. sure, i might not be buying packs (oh, except those FOUR) and even if i didn’t finish them, it was still a fucked up mind trip for me to play on myself. why in the hell would i do that when i know i DO NOT want to be a smoker and that smoking makes me even more depressed. if anything, i could always feel proud of myself for having quit smoking. it is difficult, it is one of the hardest addictions to kick, and really, it and the food. i just love to have crap in my mouth i suppose.

i am glad that i stopped smoking because it was so good for me in so many different ways, the quitting i mean. i don’t want to be smoking anything at all and i am not going to allow myself to smoke another single solitary cigarette for as long as i live. i know it seems harsh, and maybe i should say i’ll take it one day at a time, but really, this has to be a all or nothing thing for me, i can’t just have one. ever. again. it’s going to have to be water, exercise, or herbal tea – anything but cigarettes. i do not want to die and the chest pains, wheezing, etc. etc. are not worth it. ughhhh, no wonder i’ve been so fucking depressed and regressing! the nicodemon took over me again. but no more. grrrr. so pissed i am even writing this but i know it’s good for me to admit it and face it. it is embarrassing and shows just how quickly the addiction can get it’s grasp around you again if you allow just one.

i’m in denial about a lot of things, at least in the sense that i ignore them and choose not to think about them because i do not have a solution at the time. i’m at a cross roads with myself and i know what needs to be done to make myself happy, fulfilled, and proud of who i am. the truth is, it’s not just the weight, the weight is a symptom of my procrastination and laziness, just as continuing to be a smoker, not achieving my business goals, and generally having a never-ending to-do list. i’m unhappy because i am not completing the desires i have set out for myself – and for what? to make myself miserable and not get what i want? it seems to silly does it not?