I woke up late again today. around 2pm. i actually wake up sooner than that, but then I want to stay in bed and sleep more. I guess I don’t want to face the day so I put it off as long as possible. I made a lot of progress yesterday and I think I will make a lot today as well once I get rolling. I just came out to get on the computer and check in on everything, emails, etc. I have to say it was sort of nice not just jumping up and going straight to the computer to smoke a cigarette. That is a terrible habit I have that will hopefully be broken now that I can no longer smoke where my computer will be located (in various places over the next few months). I am supposed to be quit anyway. I promised myself that in exchange for the Invisalign and it went right out the window. This is a prime example of promises I have made to myself and not kept and how this has diminished my belief and trust in myself.

I am going to quit though, really, really I am. I think the only reason I continue to smoke is that I am lonely and bored. I am alone 99.9% of the time and I guess the cigarette comforts me. It entertains me, it takes up chunks of time in the day where I can sit there and do nothing other than contemplate and inhale the bittersweet smoke. I keep telling myself it’s the stress of the move, the stress of everything coming to a culmination and when it’s done, I’ll be done, but I think I’ve just realized it is more the comfort, like food is, that I am addicted to. Cigarettes and Food will always be there for me, always soothe me. Evil little fuckers. 

Today I have to go through all of my clothes and sort them by size and pack them away. I love all of my clothes, but I also have so many clothes I have bought that were too small at the time or I never got to wear them when I was at that weight due to the season and most of them do not fit, a lot of them still new with tags. I adore these beautiful clothes and I don’t want to get rid of them, but they can’t all stay piled together so I never know what will fit and what won’t. One thing is for sure, when I lose the weight, I need to throw out all stretchy clothes (except pajamas or a few lounge outfits) and stick to more fitted clothing so I can better tell when I am gaining weight and do something about it. I definitely cannot be sitting around in sweat pants day in and day out, that is just asking for it. 

Well, I guess I better go take a shower. I’ve put it off long enough. I smell horrible and feel greasy and disgusting. I’m realizing this might also be a part of my not taking care of myself and perpetuating the state of being I am in. I’ve tried so many times to get in the habit of taking a daily shower, but was thinking earlier how I can’t remember the last time I had a shower two days in a row. That is really disgusting and I know it is, but without ever seeing anyone, I frequently feel like why bother? I know that is an even more unhealthy way of looking at it. I should be showering to take care of my body and clean myself, it should have nothing to do with an outside source. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with an outside source either, because I will go into public smelling rank and convince myself I don’t care. Try to be invisible and not interact with anyone. It’s sick, I’m sick. Why do I do this? I am sure this plays into my issues with needing comfort from food and cigarettes. 

I’m dealing with this. What do you think I’m writing about it all for. To face myself and identify and dissect what is really going that causes me to continue with these damaging behaviors so I can correct them. I suspect it is a core issue that causes them all so I need to continue to observe this further.