i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

… or something like that. I have been working long hours. Probably working too much, not finding the right balance. I totally stopped going to the gym, I totally stopped waking up early, I totally stopped taking my vitamins, eating properly, taking care of my skin, wearing my invisalign, doing anything other than being glued to the computer and smoking cigarettes basically. I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I get so obsessed with it I just can’t make myself stop… and then I do and I sit and stare at the same thing for possibly hours and think about my next course of action. I feel I stall in this stage too long though. I am so exhausted and drained from all the work I put in the previous hours, I just stare at the screen blankly and think.

I know that I need to find balance. I need to be able to sustain these new projects and enjoy it long-term. This is not a get rich quick overnight success, it’s going to take some time. If you had followed through years ago when you started these projects, you would be much further along. Instead, you left them on the backburner to ‘get rich quick’ and made a few bucks, but ultimately the revenue decreased because you didn’t follow through. Yes, apparently I am talking to myself now on the blog. I see these other sites that are not as great as my vision that are highly regarded and achieving success and recognition. I KNOW I can do it, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

I am really pleased with the results I’ve been having on the community site. I have been tinkering with adsense, trying to make sense of why it makes virtually no money. I made a few improvements, the major one being removing ads for members, and it has made a huge impact on click-throughs. I also moved the ad placement to a more prominent location so I think that definitely plays a role, but I could never show that ad to members where it is located, they would kill me. 7 years later, I had an epiphany about how to work that collage into a design that is functional for the forum. I don’t know exactly how to do it, and I know I would spend hours and hours tinkering to figure it out, so I put out a call to the universe to find someone that can code it for me and make it super slick. Now, if only I could gain control of the FTP and update the old cow.

As for the fashion site, I am fairly pleased with the results so far. I have not been posting as many daily updates as I should, but I am still getting into the swing of things. I know I am going to have to work hard on it day and night for the next several months and I need to spend more time creating content than I do on link building and promotion. Those things will come with the quality content and I need to remember that.

One of the threads that has been running through my life lately is the idea of sharing. Moreso, the idea of sharing without expecting or receiving anything in return. Obviously I do expect to receive financial payoff at some point in time, but in the short-term, I am focussed on providing valuable content to visitors. I want to make them happy and when they are happy, they will like me. It’s all this big psychological fucked up way the universe works, but basically, it is very true. When you make others look good, it makes you look good by default. When you help others freely, others help you freely.

I would be gaining so much right now had I been more willing to share my knowledge when I was a seller. If I were willing to publish that and share my ‘secrets’, it probably would not have impacted me as much as I thought it would and I would be reaping the rewards now. This isn’t about looking back and saying ‘Oh, woe is me’, it’s about learning that lesson from my past and not making the same mistake again in the future. I need to stick with my goals and my dreams, get past the tipping point, and see the success through. I know I can do it, it has just taken me some time to get to this point in my life.

I am pleased with the way things are progressing, if not a bit frightened. I have to put that fear aside because I know it will be okay and I know the things I am doing in my life are the right things. Building websites is my life – and I feel so strange typing out that sentence – but I really can’t imagine doing anything else. These are my property, my virtual real estate, and I need to keep them well manicured and do things to improve and increase the value of the entire neighborhood, not just my own hotels … I really wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I do enjoy it, so I need to relish in it.