often times, i wake up from a dream due to an alarm, a phone call, etc. and i find myself wanting to continue the dream so i try to go back to sleep. this occasionally works, but usually ends up causing a twist or a turn that is not always in my favor. 

i hope to start writing more about my dreams. last night i had a particularly interesting and long, drawn out, woken up a few times in the middle dream. i should have written when i first got up. i just remembered this dream because there was someone making 2 bags of popcorn in the dream and i came up behind them and was conversing with them as to why. i’m just looking for healthy snack ideas and popcorn was on the list. obviously this triggered the memory of that aspect in the dream.

the part i woke up to, was that kels had begun texting and talking to him. i was upset about it and obviously i have some issue feeling threatened by her. i know its my own shit, but she just always has such a keen interest in him, it has always bothered me. i barely remember the details now, but i do remember feeling like she was keeping it from me. i felt betrayed and left out. 

then i remembered the earlier part and the setting of the seen. i was with kels in a city like new york and she was studying for her finals. we must have been staying at a hotel, because we had a hotel room that i went to and called him after i found out she had been texting him. in the beginning of the dream, i went to go look for something and i was carrying my chanel marais tote. i was walking around a corner when two men came up to me and began trying to get things OUT of my purse. they were also trying to take the bag itself, but more than anything they were trying to get at something inside of the purse. i fought them off for quite awhile and called for help. i’m not sure if anyone ever came to help, but they eventually left and i still had everything intact. 

i likened him to the chanel bag. when i relayed that comparison to satsuma, he asked me if the bag was black and indeed it was. not only black, but big, rough, AND black. 

i’ve officially lost more than 10 pounds so i should probably congratulate myself on the progress, even if it is not as much as i would have liked. it is progress. only a few more pounds to go to reach my first major goal and i am pretty certain i can achieve that goal by the end of the month if i really put my heart into it. considering a piece of my heart is suddenly back on the scene, that should make things a little easier as long as i channel this as positive energy.

although i have slacked off on the pilates this week, i am looking forward to finishing it up with a solid 2 workouts thursday and friday. they will be my last 2 and i am really going to miss these classes, but i need to do what i need to do. i think it might be a good idea to have a plan for austin, walking everyday should certainly be included. i need to do more though, i need to keep up the muscle definition. i guess researching exercise options in austin would be a good move.

i need to have a green smoothie again tomorrow and start the day off with my bowl of oatmeal. i was doing so well with taking my supplements at every meal and washing my face twice a day, but now that i have been uprooted, i am finding it difficult to stick to my regimen. maybe i need a home, a stable place to have some semblance of routine. tomorrow morning, i am going to wake and make my oatmeal and tea. i will take my morning supplements and play scrabble. 

i should go ahead and start wearing the patches that i was sent. i will know immediately if they are placebo or not and if not, then i have been chosen to quit smoking WITHOUT any sort of crutch. i know that i can quit smoking so i need to just do it. i will feel so much better about myself and it will be the first and easiest step in completing a MAJOR goal for myself. i can’t magically get skinny over night, but i can become a non-smoker overnight. so, it’s settled. tomorrow i quit smoking forever and ever. 

i want my heart and my heart needs me to love myself.

Things have been going pretty well, but I can definitley step it up a notch. I have been exercising, but not as much as I should be. The gym was going well in terms of training and actually doing something with my muscles but I did not like the trainer. I am now going to try out a pilates center nearby that offers unlimited classes. I think that is more my style.

I quit smoking for a week and then I started again. what a stupid habit I have that has this control over me. I’m not going to let it any longer. I am going to fight this addiction with all I have. I’m going to combat it with exercise. I’m back in the mountains, I have the momentum, and it’s really pretty easy with the patch and the hypnosis. I don’t like that the patch causes my skin to be red, but I still think it is a good temporary solution to keep the cravings and emotional bitchiness to a minimum. I think it helps with not over eating also.

This far I have lost approximatley 7 pounds since I started. While that is fantastic, I really could and should have lost more by staying more focussed. I am going to commit to doing that from here on out. I will include a green smoothie everyday, I will continue to tale my supplements and vitamins daily as regimented. I will go to pilates class and/or walk EVERY day. Moving is essential to this process and it is really good for my mental clarity.

On the issue of vitamins and supplements, I have been taking them very consistently and have noticed an improvement in my skin. I can only assume they not smoking for a week played a great role in my skin looking better as well. I am looking forward to receiving the rest of my supplements and implementing them into my regimen.

Do I really have to throw away the cigarettes or can I have them around for recreational or desperate measures. I hhink that is just a cop-out though. I don’t need them at all. I’m tired of the addiction and any social benefit is not really worth it. I have to be stronger than that.

I’m so upset and ashamed that I am back in this place of feeling miserable with myself and my body. I swore I’d never put the weight back on, and here I am years later almost back to where I started. I decided to start writing in a blog again because it is something that really helped me all of those years ago. I’m different now, but apparently I have slipped back into old habits of coping with life and stressful situations. 

I went to the doctor today and discovered I had gained 37 pounds in the past year. Not that this was a huge shock, I was figuring about 40 just by guessing what my previous weight had been. Of course the doctors scale always weighs higher than the at-home scale, but I remember leaving the doctor last year being upset my weight at THAT time. At that point, I had only gained about 20 pounds from my lowest weight, but I was still very disappointed. Today I weigh 57 pounds above my lowest weight. Wow. I just had to do the math to get that number and it is ASTONISHING. I am so completely and utterly ashamed that I have allowed myself to slip back to this point. I always said “that won’t happen to me” or “I will never regain the weight” and here I am writing about it. 

I have to say its somewhat defeating to think about. To remember how hard I worked and how easy it was to keep it off for all of those years and then how quickly I packed the pounds back on. I can see it in my body, especially my arms lately. I hate to look in the mirror because I am disgusted with myself. How could I have let this happen after everything that I have been through? How can I prevent this from happening again next time? Can I even do it? Am I crazy for thinking I could ever be anything other than a fat girl? Am I crazy to think I could move past it all and “get over it”? I really want to, I am so tired of fat being my life and being what defines me in my mind and others. 

I have become lethargic and lazy. Depressed and miserable. I hate myself and I hate my body for this. I know that I need to love myself and love my body to care for it properly, but how do you do that when you look at yourself in disgust? How can you? How can I? I guess I have got to try. I have to take care of my body. I have to love myself and my body to believe I can work through this and see it all the way through 100%. I have a tendency to go 85-95% and then give up and go the other direction. A fear of success and a fear of failure that has ultimately ended up be a sub conscious self fulfilling prophecy.

I have yet to truly succeed with my weight loss and body image goals and that is what I am going to set out to do one milestone at a time until I have reached 100%. I guess that means I will need to define those milestones and what exactly 100% means, but I will have to define those as I get a better grasp on how I am dealing with this all. I have some ideas in my head in terms of body fat % instead of numbers or pounds on the scale, but I’ll need to work out the math and make a concrete plan over the coming days.  I need to start out by keeping promises to myself. My first promise is that I will start the day off with a green smoothie and a 10 minute walk. Baby steps.