I’ve realized that I need to get myself into a routine to help with my ADD and getting my life back on track. I’m going to start slow so that it is manageable, but I think it’s important that I commit to something. I have a few million different ideas, but one I think would really mean a lot to me could be done in conjunction with my own healing. I want to create a product/workbook that could be sold to help others. I will develop it for my own weight and body issues healing. I want to combine a diet along with a journal regimen, that asks 90 important questions, 1 per day for 90 days. In order to create a successful product, I need to test it and insure that it actually works. In doing so, I can use my own photographs and will be a real life example of it’s success. I know all the right things to do to lose weight, feel better emotionally, etc., but I have been procrastinating doing them. I keep putting it off until tomorrow and my life is slipping away from me. I want to regain control of myself and I think by creating and testing this method with writing everyday for 90 days, I can see significant results not only in my weight and body issues, but in every area of my life.

I am going to start December 1. The diet part will consist of mostly green smoothies, juices, simple raw foods and vegan soups if needed (for the cold months). I want to stick to mostly green smoothies, but I think it’s important for me to allow some variety to keep myself from failing. This is 90 days or 3 months – it will go by quickly, but at the same time, there will be days where it seems to go on forever and I will want to give up. I can’t though – this is the one thing I am going to commit to work on for the next 3 months. All of December, January, and February is exactly 90 days so it works out perfectly. After I complete these 3 months, I will have a better idea of how my program works and I can spend the Spring months creating, editing, and finalizing the workbook.

Of course, exercise is going to be an important aspect of the program as well, but it will be less regimented. I am just going to ask myself and others to do some form of exercise 5 days a week – even if that means just putting on shoes and walking outside. The most important aspect of the program will be answering and writing about the daily questions for 90 days. I am going to spend time today coming up with at least 50 questions, but hopefully I can come up with an entire list. Now I need to get to the library, deposit my checks, and get ready to go to the focus group this evening. I also need to stop by whole foods and get some bananas and possibly mangoes, apples, and other fruits.

i am trying to pull myself out of a slump of depression and feeling really down on myself. it’s so easy to go there if i let myself which is why i feel it’s so important that i not neglect writing about it any longer. i’ve talked about it and i am feeling better than i was last week, but it is still a process every day. it makes me sick to think that i really have slipped back into smoking. sure, i might not be buying packs (oh, except those FOUR) and even if i didn’t finish them, it was still a fucked up mind trip for me to play on myself. why in the hell would i do that when i know i DO NOT want to be a smoker and that smoking makes me even more depressed. if anything, i could always feel proud of myself for having quit smoking. it is difficult, it is one of the hardest addictions to kick, and really, it and the food. i just love to have crap in my mouth i suppose.

i am glad that i stopped smoking because it was so good for me in so many different ways, the quitting i mean. i don’t want to be smoking anything at all and i am not going to allow myself to smoke another single solitary cigarette for as long as i live. i know it seems harsh, and maybe i should say i’ll take it one day at a time, but really, this has to be a all or nothing thing for me, i can’t just have one. ever. again. it’s going to have to be water, exercise, or herbal tea – anything but cigarettes. i do not want to die and the chest pains, wheezing, etc. etc. are not worth it. ughhhh, no wonder i’ve been so fucking depressed and regressing! the nicodemon took over me again. but no more. grrrr. so pissed i am even writing this but i know it’s good for me to admit it and face it. it is embarrassing and shows just how quickly the addiction can get it’s grasp around you again if you allow just one.

i’m in denial about a lot of things, at least in the sense that i ignore them and choose not to think about them because i do not have a solution at the time. i’m at a cross roads with myself and i know what needs to be done to make myself happy, fulfilled, and proud of who i am. the truth is, it’s not just the weight, the weight is a symptom of my procrastination and laziness, just as continuing to be a smoker, not achieving my business goals, and generally having a never-ending to-do list. i’m unhappy because i am not completing the desires i have set out for myself – and for what? to make myself miserable and not get what i want? it seems to silly does it not?

so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.

i didn’t reread last weeks entry, but i know i was feeling depressed and unsettled. i am happy to report that i am feeling pretty amazing this sunday, much more confident and assure of the next steps i’llbe making. which is a bit surprising considering i received news mid-week that i was NOT hired for the dream job. yet at least. there is still promise and hope for future endeavors, but the informal and cold rejection note has been a catalyst to what i really want more than anything right now: a home.

i think i found the perfect apartment, i just hope i get it considering my not-so-perfect credit. it feels right and i think i can call it home for many, many years, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed and energy focussed on it being mine. the more i think about it, the more i am sure it is what i have been looking for and more. perfect location, great price, huge space, fantastic architecture, quiet street, bright but cool with lots of trees and greenery, a rooftop to sunbathe and take in the view. there are a few things that need to be addressed, but i am confident they can be dealt with. it feels like the stars have aligned for this place, but i am nervous considering what happened with the dream job and my feelings about it. i’m staying positive though, because i feel like that’s not really over anyway.

he called this morning. i always love to hear from him and of course today was no exception. our conversations are just comforting, talking about everything and nothing. i can’t compare them to those with anyone else because there is the romantic/sexual aspect for me that is not prevalent in my other close friendships. i can have long, mindless conversations with a few others, but nothing compares to the satisfaction i feel from a chat with him. i’m glad he is back in my life, but i have to continue to remind myself to love lukewarm and not let the relationship envelop me as it so easily has in the past.

i lost 2.6 pounds this week and 2.1% body fat. sweet! what’s better is that i finally made it under 200! i just skimmed through last weeks post where i wrote that last sunday was the last day i would vow “to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.” while i have not been perfect this week, i have considered this when making choices and it has helped. i stocked up on groceries and cooked at home more than i ate out, and obviously it helped. i know i had started my period last week so that also has to be factored in, but this week i am very proud of myself, loving that i finally made it below 200, and intend to keep it that way. this week i am going to focus on eating healthy at home not only because i want to lose weight, but because i never want to see 200 on the scale again.

i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

I started taking Kelp supplements on April 8, however I was not taking them consistently every day until April 20. On April 24, I started going to the gym and tracking my weight. Every day since then I have lost a half a pound per day consistently. I know it’s still too early to really tell if that is the culprit and if it will continue, however I am very hopeful and will definitely continue to take these daily.

I am taking them at night with my last dosage of vitamins and supplements. I already take a b-complex and rhodiola rosea in the morning for a little boost, so I think it’s fine to take it at night and let it absorb into my body. I have yet to really see any major improvements with the rosea, however it could actually also be a contributor to the weight loss I’ve been experiencing.

I will continue to take them everyday for a full month and see how I am feeling before I can really determine a difference. From what I have read, it actually takes awhile to build up in your system. I am definitely watching though.

I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

Writing is what I need to be doing so badly now. I need to just get this out of my head and into words. It helps me sort things out and stay on track. Developing the habit is always the hard part, but once it’s there, it is such a great tool for me. I have been thinking a lot about my weight and my body. Thinking about the fact that I really am getting older. I don’t have unlimited time and I need to stop being so consumed by this struggle. I know deeply within myself that I can achieve whatever I desire, but there is obviously something about this particularly hurdle in my life that I keep tripping on every time.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.

so i think i have found a gym that i am going to go to for the next 30 days while i am in town. they offer tons of classes all day every day and i think i will be able to happily workout several times per day without getting bored. i have been eating pretty good, but i know that the key for me has always been the exercise. that is why a workout regimen is so important for me to stick to. i don’t want to just be skinny, i want to be fit and i want to have muscles, especially a killer stomach. is it too much to ask for great abs? well, i’d love a great ass too. my breasts are pretty much a lost cause, my 85 year old grandmothers might just look better than mine, my mother’s definitely do, and there is not really any getting around a surgery if i want them to stand up on their own. from experience, they only get worse with weight loss.

i need to commit to the exercise and just really go for it. i don’t have much else going on and i can easily fit it within my schedule. it’s not true to say i don’t have a lot going on, but i am flexible. i want to get all of my things organized and listed for sale by the end of the month so i can spend all of may finalizing and working on luxurate. 

i’ve decided to keep writing as often as possible, just to get in the habit, but also to chronicle my efforts. i am turning thirty at the end of the summer and i am determined to deal with these issues so the next thirty years of my life will not be clouded with body and confidence issues. i know this isn’t going to happen miraculously overnight, but i do know from experience that my confidence increases when i lose weight and become more comfortable with my body.

i know i need to be dating as much as i can. i need to get out there and experience men and find what really suits me. i don’t know that he is actually the one for me, but i’ll never know if there is someone else or for sure if it’s him unless i “shop” (as my mom would say) long and hard. i want to have a child in the next five years and i want it to be in a stable relationship with a man that makes me happy. i can’t do those things unless i get over my body issues and really put myself out there. 

i am beautiful, and i can be a triple threat with super confidence when i achieve this. there really can’t be a question or a delay anymore. this is my life and as the sign at brothers house says, “enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”. i’m about to be a real, Real, REAL adult and it’s time to live my life to the fullest.

ps – i want to be under 200 by may 1 and i think it’s entirely achievable. only 2 pounds in a week? i can totally do that!

throughout my life, i have repeatedly been told that i should write. i don’t think i am a bad writer, but it’s never been a passion. more specifically, i’m always told i should write a book. by all types of people for all sorts of reasons. i tend to think this was a somewhat silly and pompous notion, but lately i’ve been thinking about it more seriously. i have many stories to tell and last night i had an epiphany. it became perfect clear to me what would be the glue to hold his book together. the anecdotes of my life and my struggle with the constant reminder that EXCESS MATTERS.

this morning when i sat down to write about the book, the title of the book looked me straight in the eyes. excess matters. sure, i’ll have to come up with some witty tagline, like ‘excess matters : 25 years in a fatsuit’… but the premise will be the stories that make up my life and how being in a fatsuit for all of it effected my confidence, self esteem, and ability to really ENJOY my life.