i am trying to pull myself out of a slump of depression and feeling really down on myself. it’s so easy to go there if i let myself which is why i feel it’s so important that i not neglect writing about it any longer. i’ve talked about it and i am feeling better than i was last week, but it is still a process every day. it makes me sick to think that i really have slipped back into smoking. sure, i might not be buying packs (oh, except those FOUR) and even if i didn’t finish them, it was still a fucked up mind trip for me to play on myself. why in the hell would i do that when i know i DO NOT want to be a smoker and that smoking makes me even more depressed. if anything, i could always feel proud of myself for having quit smoking. it is difficult, it is one of the hardest addictions to kick, and really, it and the food. i just love to have crap in my mouth i suppose.

i am glad that i stopped smoking because it was so good for me in so many different ways, the quitting i mean. i don’t want to be smoking anything at all and i am not going to allow myself to smoke another single solitary cigarette for as long as i live. i know it seems harsh, and maybe i should say i’ll take it one day at a time, but really, this has to be a all or nothing thing for me, i can’t just have one. ever. again. it’s going to have to be water, exercise, or herbal tea – anything but cigarettes. i do not want to die and the chest pains, wheezing, etc. etc. are not worth it. ughhhh, no wonder i’ve been so fucking depressed and regressing! the nicodemon took over me again. but no more. grrrr. so pissed i am even writing this but i know it’s good for me to admit it and face it. it is embarrassing and shows just how quickly the addiction can get it’s grasp around you again if you allow just one.

i’m in denial about a lot of things, at least in the sense that i ignore them and choose not to think about them because i do not have a solution at the time. i’m at a cross roads with myself and i know what needs to be done to make myself happy, fulfilled, and proud of who i am. the truth is, it’s not just the weight, the weight is a symptom of my procrastination and laziness, just as continuing to be a smoker, not achieving my business goals, and generally having a never-ending to-do list. i’m unhappy because i am not completing the desires i have set out for myself – and for what? to make myself miserable and not get what i want? it seems to silly does it not?

i feel like no one but my family really loves me… and even then i think a few of those are out of obligation. it’s hard to love the fat girl that doesn’t love herself. i’m the fattie that always seems to be trying so hard to connect with others and failing miserably. i feel like i was only invited to this wedding out of obligation, not because we are even still friends. i can’t fake and pretend like someone is my best friend when i barely speak to them and even more when they don’t return my calls. some people obviously are much better at pretend world and as a result are going to be bridesmaids in said wedding. some people are obviously much better at getting people to pay for things and buy them things. not that i’m trying to do that, but it’s remarkable how some people manipulate others into financing all sorts of things, yet i try asking directly and honestly and it’s ignored. apparently she really doesn’t care about me at all or want me there. or maybe she is just so busy with the wedding she can’t think about it. or whatever. and maybe i don’t care about her, more about the big to-do, the luxury, extravagance of it all. truthfully, it’s not just the fact that the last minute transportation made it financially impossible for me to attend, but that i am insecure about how i look, what i would be wearing, and not being happy about it.

i had those anxieties even when i thought i WAS going. i was concerned about being around my old smoking friends, i was concerned about being the fat one, and i was concerned about spending an arm and a leg on a dress i was not comfortable in. so it’s probably better that i am not going, but i do wish i could be there to experience this special day. more than anything i wish i could feel confident and happy and full of joy on this day instead of feeling like an unconfident mess. i am so tired of feeling this way. i am so tired of being fat and so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. every public event i go to leaves me feeling this way – from my own birthday party to a simple evening out on the town, i always feel depressed and anxious about my appearance.

it’s really unhealthy. i am really unhealthy. i am obsessed with not being fat to the point that i probably make myself fat. i don’t focus on being healthy, i focus on getting the weight off and how life will be so much better when i’m not fat. being obese really has got to be the worst of all disorders, addictions, ailments – whatever you want to call it – simply because it is immediately visible to everyone. our pain is on our sleeve and you can see it from across the street. sure, there are drug addicts, obsessive compulsive, alcoholics, and so many other ways people abuse themselves, but these are so much more accepted. It’s tragic, but alcoholics and drug addicts still have men hitting on them and wanting sex. fatties, not so much.

so i have a fucked up relationship with two of life’s essential activities – eating and fucking. i don’t want to get depressed but that is how i am feeling right now.

It’s the first Sunday of the month, so I should use this as an excuse to be productive and set out a plan for October. I hear the wind blowing outside and it feels like Fall has finally arrived. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating, why I have been so lazy. Is it really because of the herbs? I definitely need to get back to taking my supplement regimen regularly, and eating regularly for that matter too. I know that I can be my best self, I just don’t know why I keep falling short of that.

I was talking to him last night and he said that you have to constantly be working toward your goals, constantly working, no downtime, and that’s how it goes. I think to some extent that is true, it certainly is not a productive use of time to be sitting down watching television all day. Not that I do, I guess I really have been spending WAY too much time on twitter, facebook, and all of this other mindless bullshit which is not getting me to the end goal. I make these plans for myself and then I don’t stick to them and it is soooo aggravating.

Today I really need to achieve some things and it doesn’t really matter the order or how long it takes to get them done, what matters is that they happen. I need to do all of the dishes in the kitchen, I need to go on a walk, I need to make a plan for the week and organize everything. There are several things that I want and need to get done before my parents come to visit and that means I will need to be diligent in working to achieve those goals. No being lazy and day-dreaming around the house all day like I seem to be fond of doing.

I’m going to walk to the supermarket and buy something to cook for dinner. I will return home, clean the kitchen, and make dinner. Then I need to make a list of all my “chores” to do before the end of the week. I seriously need to focus on making MONEY tomorrow. Quick money at that.

I would really just like to get on track and quit making grand plans and statements and not following through. When it comes to goals, the fact is that I have a very low rate of follow through and that sucks! The one thing that feels so great every time I read through an old entry is the fact that I am actually now a non-smoker. I’m done, I’m over them, I’ve moved on. Sure, occasionally the thought crosses my mind, but since that one slip, that one testing of the waters 30 days in, I have no desire to try it again. It wasn’t anything magical or wonderful, it felt nice and comforting, but what resulted after was the desire all over again and it almost felt like starting all over again. No Thank you! SOOOOO Happy to be a non-smoker with 37 days under my belt.

today i spent most of the day organizing and cleaning my desk and “office”… i put office in quotes because it is also my bedroom. some people might not like the two combined, but it works for me. it’s sort of like carrie from sex and the city as someone once said to me. anyway, it’s very clear that i just have WAY TOO MUCH stuff, but i did get it organized and it does make it clear that i need to stop buying and i need to get rid of a lot.

somehow i still put off getting into the files, etc but i will work on that tomorrow. i did start making a huge master list of all of the things i want and need to do. i just need to get myself focussed and disciplined when it comes to working and i will be so much more productive and profitable. not to mention happy and confident. there is SOOO much that i want to do and achieve in this life, i really don’t have time to sit around being lazy like i have in the past.

i feel confident with so many of the changes i have made and my new life, but i know that i can only take it one day at a time and have to work at it everyday.

i have so much growth that i have achieved and so much more to go through, i can feel it happening everyday and i really am in love with my life.

so i always seem to fall out of writing in this journal, but at least i continue to come back. the good news is that i have made some signifigant improvements in my life since my last entry. i wrote about them this morning on my iphone wp app, but the settings were wrong and a few posts i had written on it since the last one here in july have disappeared.

first of all, i DID get the apartment in question in my last entry and i am LOVING it. there are so many great things about the place and i feel like it’s my home. it is hard to believe i have been here less than two months, it seems like i’ve always been here.

second, i QUIT SMOKING!! it has now been 20 days and i have saved $140! i am so happy to be a non-smoker and i am confident that this quit is forever. i finally feel free of nicotine and i am so proud of myself. it’s amazing!

third, i got below 200 which was a major goal for quite awhile. i don’t think i have written since that happened. weight loss tapered off and i gained a few pounds in the last few weeks, but i am committed to turning that around now that i have made it through the initial hump of quitting smoking. i was allowing myself to indulge in cravings of pizza, pasta, cupcakes, fast food, and basically everything that i know is bad for me, but that stopped today.

this evening i cooked curry and pumpkin rice and made chocolate chip cookies for dessert! mmmm, i ended up having 6 meals leftover and i froze 2 and put the rest in the fridge. the only problem now is going to be keeping myself from having curry rice for breakfast!

finally, things have been going great with HIM. i can’t believe we are friends again and things have been so nice. i really have been enjoying being able to spend time with him without the pressure of having to continuously day after day. i look forward to building a new, healthy relationship with him and i know he does too which is very cool.

i’m going to try to write more as i really need to be more focussed and get myself organized and on a roll. i seem to have let things slack lately and i really have no excuse! i can do anything and now that i’m 30 i better get busy!

i’m waiting to find out about the job, i’m waiting to find out about the apartment, i’m waiting for him to realize he’s in love with me… i’m always waiting for something major to happen and because of it i stall on the work i should be doing.

i’m so tired of WAITING. i just want my apartment, i want my space, and i want to be able to work everyday at my desk with my things and feel settled and comfortable at home.

i need to start working again, to make some money, but i feel stalled and stagnant. robert please call and tell me to come meet you with the papers to sign the lease and give you the deposit. i am ready to resolve this and move in. please?

Today I am feeling like an asshole. There are two things I desire so much right now, and I fear I may be pushing too hard or fighting for them too much. I am afraid of losing because I want them so badly. I feel like they are the perfect fit, meant to be, and if so, they will. I can’t help but feel unsettled about it though. I am also angry with myself that I overslept after making a commitment to myself to wake up early and go to pilates this morning. I know I would be having a much better day if I had done that. I wouldn’t feel like a lazy asshole, that’s for sure.

I want this apartment. I feel it in my bones, I know that it is mine. I am nervous, very nervous because of my credit, but I still feel like it is mine. I will be fine if I don’t get it, but I really need this to work out as it is perfect for me in so many ways. I hope that he calls me today and let’s me know it’s mine because I really want to have something positive and not feel like I’ve wasted more time on something that didn’t end up happening.

On that note, I woke up to an article in the New York Daily news and couldn’t help but feel compelled to make contact with the dream job people about it. I called my contact who encouraged me to elaborate on the issue and I wrote up a quick email detailing my perspective on and thanking her for the interview. The email was a little blunt in terms of telling them how serious the problem is, but it is truly how I feel and I am glad that I got it off my chest. Do I hope it results in a lucrative job offer? Of course, but if it doesn’t and they just deal with the problem I will be happy.

Oh, please call and give me news about my new home being mine today- that is all I really care about at this point and I hope that I can start to feel settled and get myself into a routine with some sort of semblance of a schedule for work very soon. I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and feeling unsettled. I am so excited to have my own place, I want my dream apartment to be a reality now! poof!

i feel really happy right now. i feel like everything is going how it should be and what i am working for. of course i need to get more regimented, but i am moving, i am going to pilates, i am doing the things i need to do to get this job. i am talking to him openly and feeling secure in who i am and what i believe. i really feel great. i love that he is living his dream right now and still feels like he is not there. i love that he is not there yet, but is a little paranoid and nervous. i just love him and i am so happy that he is back in my life. i know i have to love lukewarm, but i feel so pleased with how my life is progressing at this point.

of course i want to be thinner and lose weight faster, but i am becoming happy from the inside out and it will come. i feel content with myself, who i am, and what i have to offer. i know i can be a great employee for this job, even being the girl that never wanted to be an employee or have a job. i know i will be really good and enjoy myself. i know i can be a good friend and have a good relationship with him.

i feel a shift in my perception of my relationship with him. i think its amazing to have a person like him in my life, someone that i can connect with so will, who understands me, who gets me so naturally. someone that i get so naturally, that i can relate to, that i can support, that i can uplift. it feels nice. i don’t really care how many other girls there are, i know that he does that for me and i can feel

lately, i have been longing for him more than i would like. i know that we are not for one another, but i know that i will always love him, under any circumstances. i have never felt so drawn to or intertwined with another person and i can’t comprehend the reason or the resistance – it’s as if he were a drug. of course my ego wants to know it’s not alone, and insecurities boiled to the surface because of it, but ultimately reciprocity is not important.

what i really long for is complete love for myself … which includes my body. really the focus is more on my body as that is really the only element i am not comfortable with in myself. i started going to pilates again and i am walking up to 4 miles per day. i haven’t been eating 100% raw as i would like, but i am feeling motivated and determined to accomplish the health goals and habits i have set out to achieve long-term.

i’m being lazy this morning, but i AM going to move my ass. i am going to get on my gear and go for a long, long walk. maybe i’ll even try to throw in a few sprints here and there. the point is that the time is now and i am so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. no one wants an overweight or an obese woman to be their wife, their employee, or really even their friend. i mean, of course people see beyond that, but it’s still an issue.

i don’t have any fat friends. i thinks some of my female friends would prefer i stay fat. less competition. ugh. my legs are asleep from sitting on my ass so long. i need to get out of bed. no more lazy me. banana for breakfast then supplements and a long, long movement session around the parks.