i am trying to pull myself out of a slump of depression and feeling really down on myself. it’s so easy to go there if i let myself which is why i feel it’s so important that i not neglect writing about it any longer. i’ve talked about it and i am feeling better than i was last week, but it is still a process every day. it makes me sick to think that i really have slipped back into smoking. sure, i might not be buying packs (oh, except those FOUR) and even if i didn’t finish them, it was still a fucked up mind trip for me to play on myself. why in the hell would i do that when i know i DO NOT want to be a smoker and that smoking makes me even more depressed. if anything, i could always feel proud of myself for having quit smoking. it is difficult, it is one of the hardest addictions to kick, and really, it and the food. i just love to have crap in my mouth i suppose.

i am glad that i stopped smoking because it was so good for me in so many different ways, the quitting i mean. i don’t want to be smoking anything at all and i am not going to allow myself to smoke another single solitary cigarette for as long as i live. i know it seems harsh, and maybe i should say i’ll take it one day at a time, but really, this has to be a all or nothing thing for me, i can’t just have one. ever. again. it’s going to have to be water, exercise, or herbal tea – anything but cigarettes. i do not want to die and the chest pains, wheezing, etc. etc. are not worth it. ughhhh, no wonder i’ve been so fucking depressed and regressing! the nicodemon took over me again. but no more. grrrr. so pissed i am even writing this but i know it’s good for me to admit it and face it. it is embarrassing and shows just how quickly the addiction can get it’s grasp around you again if you allow just one.

i’m in denial about a lot of things, at least in the sense that i ignore them and choose not to think about them because i do not have a solution at the time. i’m at a cross roads with myself and i know what needs to be done to make myself happy, fulfilled, and proud of who i am. the truth is, it’s not just the weight, the weight is a symptom of my procrastination and laziness, just as continuing to be a smoker, not achieving my business goals, and generally having a never-ending to-do list. i’m unhappy because i am not completing the desires i have set out for myself – and for what? to make myself miserable and not get what i want? it seems to silly does it not?

i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

… or something like that. I have been working long hours. Probably working too much, not finding the right balance. I totally stopped going to the gym, I totally stopped waking up early, I totally stopped taking my vitamins, eating properly, taking care of my skin, wearing my invisalign, doing anything other than being glued to the computer and smoking cigarettes basically. I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I get so obsessed with it I just can’t make myself stop… and then I do and I sit and stare at the same thing for possibly hours and think about my next course of action. I feel I stall in this stage too long though. I am so exhausted and drained from all the work I put in the previous hours, I just stare at the screen blankly and think.

I know that I need to find balance. I need to be able to sustain these new projects and enjoy it long-term. This is not a get rich quick overnight success, it’s going to take some time. If you had followed through years ago when you started these projects, you would be much further along. Instead, you left them on the backburner to ‘get rich quick’ and made a few bucks, but ultimately the revenue decreased because you didn’t follow through. Yes, apparently I am talking to myself now on the blog. I see these other sites that are not as great as my vision that are highly regarded and achieving success and recognition. I KNOW I can do it, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

I am really pleased with the results I’ve been having on the community site. I have been tinkering with adsense, trying to make sense of why it makes virtually no money. I made a few improvements, the major one being removing ads for members, and it has made a huge impact on click-throughs. I also moved the ad placement to a more prominent location so I think that definitely plays a role, but I could never show that ad to members where it is located, they would kill me. 7 years later, I had an epiphany about how to work that collage into a design that is functional for the forum. I don’t know exactly how to do it, and I know I would spend hours and hours tinkering to figure it out, so I put out a call to the universe to find someone that can code it for me and make it super slick. Now, if only I could gain control of the FTP and update the old cow.

As for the fashion site, I am fairly pleased with the results so far. I have not been posting as many daily updates as I should, but I am still getting into the swing of things. I know I am going to have to work hard on it day and night for the next several months and I need to spend more time creating content than I do on link building and promotion. Those things will come with the quality content and I need to remember that.

One of the threads that has been running through my life lately is the idea of sharing. Moreso, the idea of sharing without expecting or receiving anything in return. Obviously I do expect to receive financial payoff at some point in time, but in the short-term, I am focussed on providing valuable content to visitors. I want to make them happy and when they are happy, they will like me. It’s all this big psychological fucked up way the universe works, but basically, it is very true. When you make others look good, it makes you look good by default. When you help others freely, others help you freely.

I would be gaining so much right now had I been more willing to share my knowledge when I was a seller. If I were willing to publish that and share my ’secrets’, it probably would not have impacted me as much as I thought it would and I would be reaping the rewards now. This isn’t about looking back and saying ‘Oh, woe is me’, it’s about learning that lesson from my past and not making the same mistake again in the future. I need to stick with my goals and my dreams, get past the tipping point, and see the success through. I know I can do it, it has just taken me some time to get to this point in my life.

I am pleased with the way things are progressing, if not a bit frightened. I have to put that fear aside because I know it will be okay and I know the things I am doing in my life are the right things. Building websites is my life – and I feel so strange typing out that sentence – but I really can’t imagine doing anything else. These are my property, my virtual real estate, and I need to keep them well manicured and do things to improve and increase the value of the entire neighborhood, not just my own hotels … I really wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I do enjoy it, so I need to relish in it.

I’m nearly 30 years old, and as long as I can remember, I have been overweight and unhappy. Sure, there have been those brief moments where I have gone below the overweight line and felt confident and pleased with the results, but even then I was unhappy about my body and never quite reached my goals. It’s obvious I self sabotage and yet I continue to do it, despite having recognized it.

I just weighed myself on a friends scale and was appalled and shocked by the reading. I’m back over 200 and that is a number I never thought I would see on the scale again. I find myself wailing out loud – “Why did I do this to myself? Why?” and not having a good answer. 

There is a reoccurring thought process that I can’t let go of. Get my shit together and achieve these goals for myself. There are so many that I have achieved, yet so many important ones that I haven’t. It is very clear to me that the way I care for my body is unacceptable, yet somehow I can’t seem to make that commitment to really change long-term. I’m lazy I guess, but if that’s the case, I must really hate myself.

There are two things that I have wanted to achieve consistently, thought about on a day to day basis, and beat myself up over regularly – losing weight and quitting smoking. I know that I ingest toxic food and drinks on a regular basis, I know that I ingest toxic fumes from cigarettes that are killing me as often as I can. I have a chronic cough and occasionally sound like darth vader when I wake up in the morning. But,  I love to smoke and I love to eat bad food. What does this say about me that I know these things are terrible for me and I continue on like I’m going to the chair.

I’d like to live my life free of the guilt and burden of the detriment I am causing to my health. I want to be able to stop obsessing about finding the perfect clothes and being able to wear them all without worrying about them being too small. I am the girl with a closet full of designer clothing, shoes, and accessories, that rarely, if ever wears them. I’ve built the perfect closet, a nearly complete seasonal wardrobe, yet most of it hangs there, tags still attached, waiting for the day I magically get myself together and do what I’ve said I was going to do for the last 20+ years. At the rate I’m going, it will all be vintage if the day ever comes. 

I don’t want this for myself. It’s not just the closet, it’s my life that has taken a back burner and put on hold. I am not confident with my body and therefore I delay or refuse important life experiences that I resent myself for. For example, I have never been comfortable going to the beach or participating in any type of water activity because of my body. Because of that, I don’t fully enjoy myself or the experience. My body is constantly on my mind. You could say the same for going out to meet new people. I am self conscious of how I look and it effects me every hour of the day. 

I am going to try a new approach to achieve my goals, because I am really not after a number on the scale as much as I am after measurements, or being able to wear a size 8 or equivalent. In normal sizing, size 10-12 is the maximum size available. I am not talking about Old Navy here, I’m talking about my favorite designers and fashion that I covet to become a part of my closet. In jeans and such, this would be a size 29 or 30. I just want to be slightly below the top tier. I am not trying to be a size 2 or be stick thin, I just want to not have to always look for the biggest size. 

I am scared to measure myself, but I suppose measurements will probably be a better indicator than weight - after-all, I want to gain muscle and lose fat, and the tone and condition of my skin and body is just as important as the weight itself. It would be nice to know my measurements so I can actually use a sizing chart and know, instead of just guessing. 

I woke up late again today. around 2pm. i actually wake up sooner than that, but then I want to stay in bed and sleep more. I guess I don’t want to face the day so I put it off as long as possible. I made a lot of progress yesterday and I think I will make a lot today as well once I get rolling. I just came out to get on the computer and check in on everything, emails, etc. I have to say it was sort of nice not just jumping up and going straight to the computer to smoke a cigarette. That is a terrible habit I have that will hopefully be broken now that I can no longer smoke where my computer will be located (in various places over the next few months). I am supposed to be quit anyway. I promised myself that in exchange for the Invisalign and it went right out the window. This is a prime example of promises I have made to myself and not kept and how this has diminished my belief and trust in myself.

I am going to quit though, really, really I am. I think the only reason I continue to smoke is that I am lonely and bored. I am alone 99.9% of the time and I guess the cigarette comforts me. It entertains me, it takes up chunks of time in the day where I can sit there and do nothing other than contemplate and inhale the bittersweet smoke. I keep telling myself it’s the stress of the move, the stress of everything coming to a culmination and when it’s done, I’ll be done, but I think I’ve just realized it is more the comfort, like food is, that I am addicted to. Cigarettes and Food will always be there for me, always soothe me. Evil little fuckers. 

Today I have to go through all of my clothes and sort them by size and pack them away. I love all of my clothes, but I also have so many clothes I have bought that were too small at the time or I never got to wear them when I was at that weight due to the season and most of them do not fit, a lot of them still new with tags. I adore these beautiful clothes and I don’t want to get rid of them, but they can’t all stay piled together so I never know what will fit and what won’t. One thing is for sure, when I lose the weight, I need to throw out all stretchy clothes (except pajamas or a few lounge outfits) and stick to more fitted clothing so I can better tell when I am gaining weight and do something about it. I definitely cannot be sitting around in sweat pants day in and day out, that is just asking for it. 

Well, I guess I better go take a shower. I’ve put it off long enough. I smell horrible and feel greasy and disgusting. I’m realizing this might also be a part of my not taking care of myself and perpetuating the state of being I am in. I’ve tried so many times to get in the habit of taking a daily shower, but was thinking earlier how I can’t remember the last time I had a shower two days in a row. That is really disgusting and I know it is, but without ever seeing anyone, I frequently feel like why bother? I know that is an even more unhealthy way of looking at it. I should be showering to take care of my body and clean myself, it should have nothing to do with an outside source. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with an outside source either, because I will go into public smelling rank and convince myself I don’t care. Try to be invisible and not interact with anyone. It’s sick, I’m sick. Why do I do this? I am sure this plays into my issues with needing comfort from food and cigarettes. 

I’m dealing with this. What do you think I’m writing about it all for. To face myself and identify and dissect what is really going that causes me to continue with these damaging behaviors so I can correct them. I suspect it is a core issue that causes them all so I need to continue to observe this further. 

My storage containers were delivered this morning, a major cue to get on with it and “get ‘er done”. I was watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s Chapter 3 class last night and it seemed to help a bit. I understand the concepts and have for awhile, but I have a stubborn ego! With so much I need to do, it can often be hard to think about. Often times, I will be lying in bed and remember something I need to do. Immediately I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that is incredibly uncomfortable and as quickly as I can, I switch my thoughts to something else. The level of anxiety that arises is unbearable. 

I know the simple solution to this anxiety is to complete my tasks and be free of them, but I suppose I am quite intimidated by it all. It’s a lot to get done and I know once I am done, I will have so much more freedom and much less anxiety. I know that I will be on the road to my new unknown life and adventures. Maybe that is what I am afraid of? Peace? Contentment? Freedom? Responsibility?

Of course I will still have responsibilities and I suppose that is one thing I wish I could do without. Paperwork, Accounting, Taxes, and all of that necessary red tape is such a chore to me. Even collecting and sorting through the mail is such an issue for me to get done. Then anxiety comes as to what happens when I’m gone and I pass this burden on to my parents. They are much more adept at dealing with these things and I can assure you that anything needing to be dealt with, will be dealt with, rather than sitting in a pile of mail in the corner pretending it doesn’t exist. I guess that’s a good thing, but I prefer to ignore things I don’t want to deal with.

The next week is a culmination of everything I haven’t gotten done or taken care of for the past few years. It has to be done now or stored. There is the car accident claim, my taxes, my debt, and everything else. I will finally have it organized with the deadlines (that may have already passed) and milestones setup for payments. I need to migrate all of my sites to their new networks so that they will start earning, or rather, so that they won’t STOP earning on May 1. 

I’m hungry. I want to eat something, but nothing in my house sounds appetizing. I have a car for the day, so I feel like I should eat something special. I have some ideas in mind, but none are too healthy. It seems tomorrow is always the beginning for my diet as today there are too many anxieties and responsibilities to fit in a workout or healthy eating. I know this is a poor outlook, but that’s how it’s been lately. Maybe I’ll take the car and pickup some groceries from the store to use to eat at home. Maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see how the day goes. 

I’m tired of complaining and I know it serves no purpose. I don’t want to always be complaining to my friends or having problems. That is not attractive and does nothing but reinforce the negative feelings I have. I’m going to make an effort to banish these thoughts and hopefully it will help. Perhaps I will leave them for here, a place to get them out without ambushing them on friends and family. At least for now. Ideally, I’d like to stop allowing myself to dwell on negative and defeating thoughts. 

I better get going with my day. I still have not managed to get moving earlier than noon. I stay up late and with no reason not to hit snooze, I do it again and again. Maybe that will be something I tackle soon, maybe it won’t. I really don’t see my sleeping schedule as being a major issue causing me problems, but perhaps there is not something I’m seeing now. I obviously desire to wake up at 8am everyday, I just have no requirement to do so and I sleep in.

I know I am depressed. I know I am procrastinating and putting everything off. Eating and Smoking to fill up the time, just waiting for the inevitable breaking point. I know it’s not a healthy space to be in, but I can’t quite figure how to get myself out of it. I know it’s one of those instances of just making yourself do it, but what if you just don’t want to? I know this not good, I know this is actually really, really bad, but I feel like I have very little time left to turn things around, and then what? 

I don’t know if I am trying to test myself or why I would be so self sabotaging. I sat around this evening with a full, fat belly and felt like a miserable failure watching America’s Next Top Model. I mean, can we get any more pathetic? I saw there and watched, smoking cigarettes feeling fat and sorry for myself. On top of that, I keep thinking about the added tension I’ve been served by an irrational friend I care about deeply. I was already having a tough time before getting through everything, but this curveball has given me something grander and more consuming to obsess about. It’s not that it’s more important, in fact, it’s not at all, but it allows me to escape what I have done and place the attention and blame on external circumstances.

I’m going on a trip in a week, I am moving out of my house and selling most everything I own to travel the world and I have sat around doing nothing for the past few weeks (or months). Feeling paralyzed – a description I find myself using frequently lately. I know it is significant and I need to push through it, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I’m running away or dragging my feet. I feel really lost right now and powerless to make myself WANT to do everything in my power. It’s not a question of if I can, so much as why bother?

I set a small challenge for myself to do today and I couldn’t even complete that. I caught myself calling myself a loser as I walked into my bedroom. I don’t want to be hating myself and being miserable. I want to love my body, love my self, love my life, and love others. Why have I built up this wall of apathy and why can’t I seem to break through it? I no longer trust myself because I haven’t kept the promises I make to myself. My biggest goal is going to be to not break the chain and to write here everyday. Hopefully after some time, I will be able to make some progress and break down this wall I’ve put up.