So other than making a meager attempt at daily writing, I really haven’t done much in the way of my health goals. Still smoking, still eating whatever the fuck I feel like, and still feeling like the fucking michelin man. Today I’m wearing sweats that are on the verge of being too small for me and this is simply unacceptable.

I’ve been sleeping past noon and wandering through life in a daze – by the time the sun starts going down around 4:30pm, I feel like the day is done and it’s time to relax and watch some TV. Afterall, no serious work can be done during the twilight, right? I know this all sounds crazy, but this is what goes through my head. It’s friday night and instead of getting excited about some weekend plans, I prefer to pretend it’s not a weekend at all to make up for my lack of anything to do.

I’m in a sad state and as much as I’d like to turn that around, I just don’t seem motivated to do it. It’s frustrating to say the least, but not enough that I’ve actually pushed through it all. I will give myself a little credit in that I have taken the time to get some items photographed and listed, which is better than none, but still a far cry from what I have left to do.

I’m chipping away at it everyday, but I would be making more progress if I were getting up early in the morning when the sun rises and beginning my day then instead of when it’s halfway over. I also had the realization that I should probably start tracking my calories if I am not going to eat a specific strict diet. For the sake of simplicity, I think I am going to do frozen meals with fresh fruits and vegetables. I should also look up the calorie content from various food places in the area, so if I do decide to eat out, I will know what kind of damage I am doing.

I want to get a big box of citrus – oranges, tangerines, whatever – something without seeds preferably. There is nothing better than a sweet, tangy, cold tangelo. I want to make some hearty soups to have on hand. I need to make a meal plan and that’s not exactly something I’m crazy about doing.

I tend to have these grandiose plans and my level of follow through depends on the day. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, because it isn’t. I didn’t prepare myself and make a proper plan to follow and because of that, I was able to make excuses. I wanted to quit smoking (again) today and eat only raw. I had good intentions, but as the day went by, I realized I failed to plan and thus I apparently planned to fail.

I woke up this morning excited about art class and painting my heart. I had to go pickup some prints so I walked to the place which is about a mile and planned to stop at the grocery store on my way to class to pickup some juice and fruit. I followed through with that plan and got some fresh cold pressed apple juice and bananas. The apple juice did not taste as good as usual, and in hindsight I should have checked the expiration date.

Ever since I moved to the neighborhood, I have noticed men with carts on the corner selling fresh cut fruit. I have been intrigued by it but never tried it, however that changed today. It was a mix of honeydew, cantaloupe, pineapple, coconut, watermelon, and oranges for $3. I knew it would not be top shelf organic fruits so I didn’t have high expectations on taste. The results were mixed but overall mediocre. The pineapple was delicious, but that is probably the only fruit I can rave about. The others were all so-so.

So you see, I did start off the day with good intentions (OK, I did bum a cigarette from someone outside an office building on the way to pickup the prints), but food wise I was on the right track. Until my stomach started burning! I have never experienced this from fruit and I don’t know if it was from the juice or the fruit, but it was not pleasant. From that point, I began to think about Pizza from the nearby café. I had seen someone with one the other day and it had piqued my interest in trying it. I rationalized in my mind that I needed bread to soak up the acid and from that point on, decided that I would be having pizza after class. The craving got so strong, I considered leaving class early or leaving from a break to eat the pizza and then come back. This is how strong and crazy my craving had become. I also developed a headache and convinced myself that it was due to only eating fruit all day. Obviously I know this is my internal demons trying to rationalize my behavior and in the end they won out.

It’s not easy. I was upset with myself as I was eating it, but this is such a habit, that I don’t even beat myself up over it too terribly anymore. I pretty much expect this behavior from myself. When it comes to eating and smoking at the same time, I usually end up justifying making an exception on one at the expense of the other, but this never works. I always end up caving and doing both. It’s a vicious cycle of sabotage. I also bummed another cigarette from someone at the café.

I went home after eating the pizza because I still had a headache and was not feeling well. I ended up lying on the couch and falling asleep for several hours. This is abnormal for me so I think there might have been something wrong with either the juice or the fruit. When I woke up, I decided to go hunting for a cigarette from someone on the street. After several minutes with no luck, the nico-demon took over and I rationalized that I needed cigarettes to get myself on track with the eating raw and that I can conquer that demon next week. I know that is just another way for me to justify my weakness, but I let it control me.

As I made my way to the liquor store to buy cigarettes and Oreas (really?!), I decided that it doesn’t have to be a complete wash – I can still write here. I can still work on the emotional stuff and try to release this vicious shit from my psyche. I realized that this is why I am doing this, why I have to write every day for 90 days, why I have to flush out the questions that are important to ask and important to answer. I have to dig deep into my own psyche and bring out the root of my weaknesses in excess.

I might have failed at following the guidelines I set for myself in eating today, but I also failed in really making a plan to follow. I need to go to the store and be prepared with the proper foods to eat. I need avocados and nuts to give me some substance. I need apples and oranges, celery, carrots. All I had was bananas and a bag of fruit with some bad apple juice and that was just asking for failure. I’m going to plan to write tomorrow morning with my plan for the day and staying on track. I hope tomorrow is more successful than today, but I am grateful for following through with this.

I’ve realized that I need to get myself into a routine to help with my ADD and getting my life back on track. I’m going to start slow so that it is manageable, but I think it’s important that I commit to something. I have a few million different ideas, but one I think would really mean a lot to me could be done in conjunction with my own healing. I want to create a product/workbook that could be sold to help others. I will develop it for my own weight and body issues healing. I want to combine a diet along with a journal regimen, that asks 90 important questions, 1 per day for 90 days. In order to create a successful product, I need to test it and insure that it actually works. In doing so, I can use my own photographs and will be a real life example of it’s success. I know all the right things to do to lose weight, feel better emotionally, etc., but I have been procrastinating doing them. I keep putting it off until tomorrow and my life is slipping away from me. I want to regain control of myself and I think by creating and testing this method with writing everyday for 90 days, I can see significant results not only in my weight and body issues, but in every area of my life.

I am going to start December 1. The diet part will consist of mostly green smoothies, juices, simple raw foods and vegan soups if needed (for the cold months). I want to stick to mostly green smoothies, but I think it’s important for me to allow some variety to keep myself from failing. This is 90 days or 3 months – it will go by quickly, but at the same time, there will be days where it seems to go on forever and I will want to give up. I can’t though – this is the one thing I am going to commit to work on for the next 3 months. All of December, January, and February is exactly 90 days so it works out perfectly. After I complete these 3 months, I will have a better idea of how my program works and I can spend the Spring months creating, editing, and finalizing the workbook.

Of course, exercise is going to be an important aspect of the program as well, but it will be less regimented. I am just going to ask myself and others to do some form of exercise 5 days a week – even if that means just putting on shoes and walking outside. The most important aspect of the program will be answering and writing about the daily questions for 90 days. I am going to spend time today coming up with at least 50 questions, but hopefully I can come up with an entire list. Now I need to get to the library, deposit my checks, and get ready to go to the focus group this evening. I also need to stop by whole foods and get some bananas and possibly mangoes, apples, and other fruits.

i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.

So far so good with the Mediterranean diet. This is breakfast! I saved some money by using string cheese instead of buying the big ball of mozzarella.