my day 9 entry is private because i’m not ready to share what i wrote in that entry publicly. i have been going to OA meetings almost daily and i have really gained considerable strength from them. i am going to be working the steps through a workbook, so i don’t know how much online writing i will be doing. i will most likely put it all into writing on paper first and then possibly transfer it here or to another blog.

i went to another meeting tonight. i still did not talk to anyone, but i loved this group of people. the stories they shared were entertaining and spoke to my heart. i also got a call from a guy in the meeting last night who was very welcoming and helpful in answering questions. i am going to continue going to meetings and i think this is going to be a very positive thing for me.

i’m not feeling very well mentally of physically. i know i’m in a bad place right now, but i just feel myself sinking deeper. i guess the only good thing in the equation is my commitment to keep fighting it.

tonight i am going to a meeting in west hollywood for compulsive eaters. it will be my first and i hope that it will be a good experience. i am struggling here looking for support and answers, something to pull myself out of this downward spiral.

i noticed that i have been having a lot of negative self-talk lately and i know that does not help me. the smoking thing and feeling like a failure has really made me feel down. i don’t want to admit my failure to anyone after having quit for 2 months and so happy about it. i really don’t know why i let the nicodemon take over again.

i’m waiting on some books about binge eating and emotional eating that are being transferred to my local library. is all of this just excuses and ways for me to put off what i know i need to do? i mean, i do know the right steps i need to take to lose weight, to eat healthy, to not smoke, but i feel like such a failure because everyday i chose to take steps in the wrong direction.

i guess seeking support outside of myself is not a total waste of time, and i might find myself pleasantly surprised with the results of going to meetings, but i am wary. it’s hard for me to stick to things – and i guess that is precisely the reason i should find a meeting i gel with and go regularly.

apparently people who suffer from ADD are supposed to instill routine into their lives. i think that is why i feel it is so important for me to follow through with this experiment of 90 days of writing. i’m upset that i missed a day when he came over, but i am proud of myself and glad that i picked up the next day and continued on. now if only i could apply the same mentality to eating and smoking.

So far, I really haven’t gotten anywhere. I’m still eating whatever I want and eating when I’m not hungry. I’m still smoking despite having chest pains. I feel so stuffed full of food I can hardly breathe and I feel like I’m slowly dying. Maybe that’s what I want.

I know it’s really not, but with everything else in my life so dull at the moment, it’s hard not to think that it would be easier if it just all ended. Not that I would consider taking my own life, but just if it happened. Or if I’m slowly killing myself with cancer.

I have some books on hold at the library about binge eating. Hopefully when I start reading those it will help. I know one thing is for sure, I need to stop smoking everything.

was here on saturday. now it’s sunday. i couldn’t even go a week without breaking the chain. but remember what i said from the beginning? it doesn’t have to be 90 consecutive days, just 90 days, ideally without skipping days. yesterday i didn’t plan properly and he ended up coming over. thus, no writing.

today it’s been grey and dull and i stayed in my pajamas. i just ordered apple pie and cheese sticks. obviously this week did not go as planned. i got a lot of fruits and vegetables so i will have to cook this week. i just need to pick up some lentils and fennel seeds and then we’re in business for egyptian lentil soup. mmm

So other than making a meager attempt at daily writing, I really haven’t done much in the way of my health goals. Still smoking, still eating whatever the fuck I feel like, and still feeling like the fucking michelin man. Today I’m wearing sweats that are on the verge of being too small for me and this is simply unacceptable.

I’ve been sleeping past noon and wandering through life in a daze – by the time the sun starts going down around 4:30pm, I feel like the day is done and it’s time to relax and watch some TV. Afterall, no serious work can be done during the twilight, right? I know this all sounds crazy, but this is what goes through my head. It’s friday night and instead of getting excited about some weekend plans, I prefer to pretend it’s not a weekend at all to make up for my lack of anything to do.

I’m in a sad state and as much as I’d like to turn that around, I just don’t seem motivated to do it. It’s frustrating to say the least, but not enough that I’ve actually pushed through it all. I will give myself a little credit in that I have taken the time to get some items photographed and listed, which is better than none, but still a far cry from what I have left to do.

I’m chipping away at it everyday, but I would be making more progress if I were getting up early in the morning when the sun rises and beginning my day then instead of when it’s halfway over. I also had the realization that I should probably start tracking my calories if I am not going to eat a specific strict diet. For the sake of simplicity, I think I am going to do frozen meals with fresh fruits and vegetables. I should also look up the calorie content from various food places in the area, so if I do decide to eat out, I will know what kind of damage I am doing.

I want to get a big box of citrus – oranges, tangerines, whatever – something without seeds preferably. There is nothing better than a sweet, tangy, cold tangelo. I want to make some hearty soups to have on hand. I need to make a meal plan and that’s not exactly something I’m crazy about doing.

I am in bed and forgot to write on the computrer but I don’t want to break the chain. I am going to write in the morning tomorrow. Goodnight, tomorrow will be more involved.

So in regards to this project, I accomplished little to nothing. Other than eating way too many bananas (4), I had a weird day health wise. OK, This is 90 days of working on my health. I am sitting here right now with chest pains – presumably from smoking too many cigarettes. UGH. Bad, bad nicodemons – why do I allow you to control me?

Anyway, I am going to keep it short, but I wanted to at least stick to this commitment, even if for no other reason than not giving up because I skipped Day 2. This is about training my mind to regimen and routine.

In other news, I did get some work accomplished and tackled the dining room area that needed attending to in a very bad way. I think this is what I needed to finally get myself organized to get rid of all the things I have to sell. I ended up going through 20 items in less than 2 hours this evening from start to finish and if I can bust that many out everyday, I will feel good about the progress I can make in a month. and the money!

I tend to have these grandiose plans and my level of follow through depends on the day. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, because it isn’t. I didn’t prepare myself and make a proper plan to follow and because of that, I was able to make excuses. I wanted to quit smoking (again) today and eat only raw. I had good intentions, but as the day went by, I realized I failed to plan and thus I apparently planned to fail.

I woke up this morning excited about art class and painting my heart. I had to go pickup some prints so I walked to the place which is about a mile and planned to stop at the grocery store on my way to class to pickup some juice and fruit. I followed through with that plan and got some fresh cold pressed apple juice and bananas. The apple juice did not taste as good as usual, and in hindsight I should have checked the expiration date.

Ever since I moved to the neighborhood, I have noticed men with carts on the corner selling fresh cut fruit. I have been intrigued by it but never tried it, however that changed today. It was a mix of honeydew, cantaloupe, pineapple, coconut, watermelon, and oranges for $3. I knew it would not be top shelf organic fruits so I didn’t have high expectations on taste. The results were mixed but overall mediocre. The pineapple was delicious, but that is probably the only fruit I can rave about. The others were all so-so.

So you see, I did start off the day with good intentions (OK, I did bum a cigarette from someone outside an office building on the way to pickup the prints), but food wise I was on the right track. Until my stomach started burning! I have never experienced this from fruit and I don’t know if it was from the juice or the fruit, but it was not pleasant. From that point, I began to think about Pizza from the nearby café. I had seen someone with one the other day and it had piqued my interest in trying it. I rationalized in my mind that I needed bread to soak up the acid and from that point on, decided that I would be having pizza after class. The craving got so strong, I considered leaving class early or leaving from a break to eat the pizza and then come back. This is how strong and crazy my craving had become. I also developed a headache and convinced myself that it was due to only eating fruit all day. Obviously I know this is my internal demons trying to rationalize my behavior and in the end they won out.

It’s not easy. I was upset with myself as I was eating it, but this is such a habit, that I don’t even beat myself up over it too terribly anymore. I pretty much expect this behavior from myself. When it comes to eating and smoking at the same time, I usually end up justifying making an exception on one at the expense of the other, but this never works. I always end up caving and doing both. It’s a vicious cycle of sabotage. I also bummed another cigarette from someone at the café.

I went home after eating the pizza because I still had a headache and was not feeling well. I ended up lying on the couch and falling asleep for several hours. This is abnormal for me so I think there might have been something wrong with either the juice or the fruit. When I woke up, I decided to go hunting for a cigarette from someone on the street. After several minutes with no luck, the nico-demon took over and I rationalized that I needed cigarettes to get myself on track with the eating raw and that I can conquer that demon next week. I know that is just another way for me to justify my weakness, but I let it control me.

As I made my way to the liquor store to buy cigarettes and Oreas (really?!), I decided that it doesn’t have to be a complete wash – I can still write here. I can still work on the emotional stuff and try to release this vicious shit from my psyche. I realized that this is why I am doing this, why I have to write every day for 90 days, why I have to flush out the questions that are important to ask and important to answer. I have to dig deep into my own psyche and bring out the root of my weaknesses in excess.

I might have failed at following the guidelines I set for myself in eating today, but I also failed in really making a plan to follow. I need to go to the store and be prepared with the proper foods to eat. I need avocados and nuts to give me some substance. I need apples and oranges, celery, carrots. All I had was bananas and a bag of fruit with some bad apple juice and that was just asking for failure. I’m going to plan to write tomorrow morning with my plan for the day and staying on track. I hope tomorrow is more successful than today, but I am grateful for following through with this.