I’ve realized that I need to get myself into a routine to help with my ADD and getting my life back on track. I’m going to start slow so that it is manageable, but I think it’s important that I commit to something. I have a few million different ideas, but one I think would really mean a lot to me could be done in conjunction with my own healing. I want to create a product/workbook that could be sold to help others. I will develop it for my own weight and body issues healing. I want to combine a diet along with a journal regimen, that asks 90 important questions, 1 per day for 90 days. In order to create a successful product, I need to test it and insure that it actually works. In doing so, I can use my own photographs and will be a real life example of it’s success. I know all the right things to do to lose weight, feel better emotionally, etc., but I have been procrastinating doing them. I keep putting it off until tomorrow and my life is slipping away from me. I want to regain control of myself and I think by creating and testing this method with writing everyday for 90 days, I can see significant results not only in my weight and body issues, but in every area of my life.

I am going to start December 1. The diet part will consist of mostly green smoothies, juices, simple raw foods and vegan soups if needed (for the cold months). I want to stick to mostly green smoothies, but I think it’s important for me to allow some variety to keep myself from failing. This is 90 days or 3 months – it will go by quickly, but at the same time, there will be days where it seems to go on forever and I will want to give up. I can’t though – this is the one thing I am going to commit to work on for the next 3 months. All of December, January, and February is exactly 90 days so it works out perfectly. After I complete these 3 months, I will have a better idea of how my program works and I can spend the Spring months creating, editing, and finalizing the workbook.

Of course, exercise is going to be an important aspect of the program as well, but it will be less regimented. I am just going to ask myself and others to do some form of exercise 5 days a week – even if that means just putting on shoes and walking outside. The most important aspect of the program will be answering and writing about the daily questions for 90 days. I am going to spend time today coming up with at least 50 questions, but hopefully I can come up with an entire list. Now I need to get to the library, deposit my checks, and get ready to go to the focus group this evening. I also need to stop by whole foods and get some bananas and possibly mangoes, apples, and other fruits.

i am an excess addict and it has become clear that this is the problem in my life. i eat too much, i sleep too much, i smoke too much, i indulge in my every whim and because of that, i’ve really gotten nowhere in life. sure, i’ve accomplished a few things here or there and my life is a bit more exciting than most peoples, but is it really? i feel like i have let so many opportunities go to waste because of my insecurities. insecurities that are the result of my excess. i want to heal myself and live a healthy life without indulging in everything to the maximum.

i feel such a need to get everything done NOW and it puts me into a state of paralysis or again, excess. i need to make a list and stick with it, i need to document it, and i need to be more diligent in completing the tasks i set out for myself.

the smoking has got to stop. i was so proud of myself and felt so good about quitting and then i indulged my cravings and it all went downhill. now i am back to wheezing and coughing and generally feeling unhealthy. this fucking laptop has got to go and i need a hot new desktop in it’s place.

this week has GOT to be about getting the store setup. i’m going to go read now.

i am trying to pull myself out of a slump of depression and feeling really down on myself. it’s so easy to go there if i let myself which is why i feel it’s so important that i not neglect writing about it any longer. i’ve talked about it and i am feeling better than i was last week, but it is still a process every day. it makes me sick to think that i really have slipped back into smoking. sure, i might not be buying packs (oh, except those FOUR) and even if i didn’t finish them, it was still a fucked up mind trip for me to play on myself. why in the hell would i do that when i know i DO NOT want to be a smoker and that smoking makes me even more depressed. if anything, i could always feel proud of myself for having quit smoking. it is difficult, it is one of the hardest addictions to kick, and really, it and the food. i just love to have crap in my mouth i suppose.

i am glad that i stopped smoking because it was so good for me in so many different ways, the quitting i mean. i don’t want to be smoking anything at all and i am not going to allow myself to smoke another single solitary cigarette for as long as i live. i know it seems harsh, and maybe i should say i’ll take it one day at a time, but really, this has to be a all or nothing thing for me, i can’t just have one. ever. again. it’s going to have to be water, exercise, or herbal tea – anything but cigarettes. i do not want to die and the chest pains, wheezing, etc. etc. are not worth it. ughhhh, no wonder i’ve been so fucking depressed and regressing! the nicodemon took over me again. but no more. grrrr. so pissed i am even writing this but i know it’s good for me to admit it and face it. it is embarrassing and shows just how quickly the addiction can get it’s grasp around you again if you allow just one.

i’m in denial about a lot of things, at least in the sense that i ignore them and choose not to think about them because i do not have a solution at the time. i’m at a cross roads with myself and i know what needs to be done to make myself happy, fulfilled, and proud of who i am. the truth is, it’s not just the weight, the weight is a symptom of my procrastination and laziness, just as continuing to be a smoker, not achieving my business goals, and generally having a never-ending to-do list. i’m unhappy because i am not completing the desires i have set out for myself – and for what? to make myself miserable and not get what i want? it seems to silly does it not?