i feel like no one but my family really loves me… and even then i think a few of those are out of obligation. it’s hard to love the fat girl that doesn’t love herself. i’m the fattie that always seems to be trying so hard to connect with others and failing miserably. i feel like i was only invited to this wedding out of obligation, not because we are even still friends. i can’t fake and pretend like someone is my best friend when i barely speak to them and even more when they don’t return my calls. some people obviously are much better at pretend world and as a result are going to be bridesmaids in said wedding. some people are obviously much better at getting people to pay for things and buy them things. not that i’m trying to do that, but it’s remarkable how some people manipulate others into financing all sorts of things, yet i try asking directly and honestly and it’s ignored. apparently she really doesn’t care about me at all or want me there. or maybe she is just so busy with the wedding she can’t think about it. or whatever. and maybe i don’t care about her, more about the big to-do, the luxury, extravagance of it all. truthfully, it’s not just the fact that the last minute transportation made it financially impossible for me to attend, but that i am insecure about how i look, what i would be wearing, and not being happy about it.

i had those anxieties even when i thought i WAS going. i was concerned about being around my old smoking friends, i was concerned about being the fat one, and i was concerned about spending an arm and a leg on a dress i was not comfortable in. so it’s probably better that i am not going, but i do wish i could be there to experience this special day. more than anything i wish i could feel confident and happy and full of joy on this day instead of feeling like an unconfident mess. i am so tired of feeling this way. i am so tired of being fat and so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. every public event i go to leaves me feeling this way – from my own birthday party to a simple evening out on the town, i always feel depressed and anxious about my appearance.

it’s really unhealthy. i am really unhealthy. i am obsessed with not being fat to the point that i probably make myself fat. i don’t focus on being healthy, i focus on getting the weight off and how life will be so much better when i’m not fat. being obese really has got to be the worst of all disorders, addictions, ailments – whatever you want to call it – simply because it is immediately visible to everyone. our pain is on our sleeve and you can see it from across the street. sure, there are drug addicts, obsessive compulsive, alcoholics, and so many other ways people abuse themselves, but these are so much more accepted. It’s tragic, but alcoholics and drug addicts still have men hitting on them and wanting sex. fatties, not so much.

so i have a fucked up relationship with two of life’s essential activities – eating and fucking. i don’t want to get depressed but that is how i am feeling right now.

It’s the first Sunday of the month, so I should use this as an excuse to be productive and set out a plan for October. I hear the wind blowing outside and it feels like Fall has finally arrived. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating, why I have been so lazy. Is it really because of the herbs? I definitely need to get back to taking my supplement regimen regularly, and eating regularly for that matter too. I know that I can be my best self, I just don’t know why I keep falling short of that.

I was talking to him last night and he said that you have to constantly be working toward your goals, constantly working, no downtime, and that’s how it goes. I think to some extent that is true, it certainly is not a productive use of time to be sitting down watching television all day. Not that I do, I guess I really have been spending WAY too much time on twitter, facebook, and all of this other mindless bullshit which is not getting me to the end goal. I make these plans for myself and then I don’t stick to them and it is soooo aggravating.

Today I really need to achieve some things and it doesn’t really matter the order or how long it takes to get them done, what matters is that they happen. I need to do all of the dishes in the kitchen, I need to go on a walk, I need to make a plan for the week and organize everything. There are several things that I want and need to get done before my parents come to visit and that means I will need to be diligent in working to achieve those goals. No being lazy and day-dreaming around the house all day like I seem to be fond of doing.

I’m going to walk to the supermarket and buy something to cook for dinner. I will return home, clean the kitchen, and make dinner. Then I need to make a list of all my “chores” to do before the end of the week. I seriously need to focus on making MONEY tomorrow. Quick money at that.

I would really just like to get on track and quit making grand plans and statements and not following through. When it comes to goals, the fact is that I have a very low rate of follow through and that sucks! The one thing that feels so great every time I read through an old entry is the fact that I am actually now a non-smoker. I’m done, I’m over them, I’ve moved on. Sure, occasionally the thought crosses my mind, but since that one slip, that one testing of the waters 30 days in, I have no desire to try it again. It wasn’t anything magical or wonderful, it felt nice and comforting, but what resulted after was the desire all over again and it almost felt like starting all over again. No Thank you! SOOOOO Happy to be a non-smoker with 37 days under my belt.

so i have been a non-smoker for 36 days and i am incredibly proud of myself. on day 31, i had a small slip, but it really only further convinced me that i wanted to be a non-smoker and that the occasional cigarette was not an option or something that will be a part of my life. i really felt it the next day, the withdrawl again, and how easily it can grab ahold of me. it was almost like starting all over again for a few days, and it’s really not worth it.

with that said, i have been eating too much and i have put on weight since i quit smoking. 7-10 pounds depending on what i’m wearing and how accurate the scale is. Which is DEPRESSING. so depressing, but i’ve convinced myself not to go there, not to allow myself to get depressed. i am really making an effort for the month of October, but so far it turned out to be as big of an effort as I had hoped.

You know what he said to me today? HA! he said that when things are tough for me, i’m like a politician and turn it into a good thing and make it sound like it’s great – which i think is hilarious and true, but at the asme time, maybe necessary for coping with the stress and shortcomings of day to day life. this crossed my mind because i am actually eating for health on a budget and not going all out like i should. i guess i am just confused and stressed and don’t want to admit it.

i miss him and i want him and i just wish i could stop longing for something that i’m never going to have. even if i feel in my heart of hearts we are perfect partners for each other, he doesn’t (think so) and if i think about it too much, i feel devastated. it doesn’t matter that he kissed me. it doesn’t matter that he loves me. it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here and that he’s not mine. (even though he is). i mean how confusing is THAT?

i have like zero money, barely enough to get by and i literally do NOT know how i am going to get  my rent for next month, but i will. for someone who is supposed to be a writer, i really should be writing a lot more than i do. i should be walking more too. maybe what i need right now is a nice, long walk.