i’m waiting to find out about the job, i’m waiting to find out about the apartment, i’m waiting for him to realize he’s in love with me… i’m always waiting for something major to happen and because of it i stall on the work i should be doing.

i’m so tired of WAITING. i just want my apartment, i want my space, and i want to be able to work everyday at my desk with my things and feel settled and comfortable at home.

i need to start working again, to make some money, but i feel stalled and stagnant. robert please call and tell me to come meet you with the papers to sign the lease and give you the deposit. i am ready to resolve this and move in. please?

Today I am feeling like an asshole. There are two things I desire so much right now, and I fear I may be pushing too hard or fighting for them too much. I am afraid of losing because I want them so badly. I feel like they are the perfect fit, meant to be, and if so, they will. I can’t help but feel unsettled about it though. I am also angry with myself that I overslept after making a commitment to myself to wake up early and go to pilates this morning. I know I would be having a much better day if I had done that. I wouldn’t feel like a lazy asshole, that’s for sure.

I want this apartment. I feel it in my bones, I know that it is mine. I am nervous, very nervous because of my credit, but I still feel like it is mine. I will be fine if I don’t get it, but I really need this to work out as it is perfect for me in so many ways. I hope that he calls me today and let’s me know it’s mine because I really want to have something positive and not feel like I’ve wasted more time on something that didn’t end up happening.

On that note, I woke up to an article in the New York Daily news and couldn’t help but feel compelled to make contact with the dream job people about it. I called my contact who encouraged me to elaborate on the issue and I wrote up a quick email detailing my perspective on and thanking her for the interview. The email was a little blunt in terms of telling them how serious the problem is, but it is truly how I feel and I am glad that I got it off my chest. Do I hope it results in a lucrative job offer? Of course, but if it doesn’t and they just deal with the problem I will be happy.

Oh, please call and give me news about my new home being mine today- that is all I really care about at this point and I hope that I can start to feel settled and get myself into a routine with some sort of semblance of a schedule for work very soon. I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and feeling unsettled. I am so excited to have my own place, I want my dream apartment to be a reality now! poof!

i didn’t reread last weeks entry, but i know i was feeling depressed and unsettled. i am happy to report that i am feeling pretty amazing this sunday, much more confident and assure of the next steps i’llbe making. which is a bit surprising considering i received news mid-week that i was NOT hired for the dream job. yet at least. there is still promise and hope for future endeavors, but the informal and cold rejection note has been a catalyst to what i really want more than anything right now: a home.

i think i found the perfect apartment, i just hope i get it considering my not-so-perfect credit. it feels right and i think i can call it home for many, many years, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed and energy focussed on it being mine. the more i think about it, the more i am sure it is what i have been looking for and more. perfect location, great price, huge space, fantastic architecture, quiet street, bright but cool with lots of trees and greenery, a rooftop to sunbathe and take in the view. there are a few things that need to be addressed, but i am confident they can be dealt with. it feels like the stars have aligned for this place, but i am nervous considering what happened with the dream job and my feelings about it. i’m staying positive though, because i feel like that’s not really over anyway.

he called this morning. i always love to hear from him and of course today was no exception. our conversations are just comforting, talking about everything and nothing. i can’t compare them to those with anyone else because there is the romantic/sexual aspect for me that is not prevalent in my other close friendships. i can have long, mindless conversations with a few others, but nothing compares to the satisfaction i feel from a chat with him. i’m glad he is back in my life, but i have to continue to remind myself to love lukewarm and not let the relationship envelop me as it so easily has in the past.

i lost 2.6 pounds this week and 2.1% body fat. sweet! what’s better is that i finally made it under 200! i just skimmed through last weeks post where i wrote that last sunday was the last day i would vow “to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.” while i have not been perfect this week, i have considered this when making choices and it has helped. i stocked up on groceries and cooked at home more than i ate out, and obviously it helped. i know i had started my period last week so that also has to be factored in, but this week i am very proud of myself, loving that i finally made it below 200, and intend to keep it that way. this week i am going to focus on eating healthy at home not only because i want to lose weight, but because i never want to see 200 on the scale again.

i have been depressed before and i know what my behavior is like when i feel that way. i tend to sleep later and not want to get out of bed, i tend to attempt to go to bed early in anticipation of the next day and new beginnings. i am not engaged in doing anything productive, only focussed on waiting for the outcome of something i really want in the future and the consuming desire to have it. i think my first major depression was really surrounding him and the fact that i felt like i had him, like he was mine, but never got the confirmation that i thought was just around the corner. was i delusional? i don’t think so, but looking back and evaluating this situation, maybe i am more like over-confident of my position. i still think he genuinely loved me, perhaps still does, but the fact that i put my life on the back-burner and became consumed with him was not healthy.

in the situation going on right now, i am anticipating being hired for my dream job. going into it, i was unsure if i really wanted it, or how badly i really wanted it, but as the two interviews have gone well and time has progressed, i have found myself feeling like i am a perfect match for the job and they are crazy if they don’t hire me. while it has only been six weeks, it has been the first time in years that i have wanted something career wise or financially that was outside of my control. i am waiting for their decision, their determination if i am “good enough” to be hired for a position at their company. i know i am qualified, they know i am qualified, and in both interviews, i felt they went positively and the interviewers viewed me and my resume as impressive and interesting with a lot to offer the company.

the anxiety of being dependent on someone else’s actions for my immediate happiness is definitely not healthy for me and is obviously a tendency that i have that seriously effects my productivity and engagement in life. ultimately, i think it may be weight related, something i assume or project to be the real issue for never being “good enough” or accepted fully in the love relationship. i fear that because of the industry, i will be judged for being overweight more than my impressive qualifications for the job. i do not want to be heartbroken again.

i am staying positive about the entire situation, i truly feel as though the job is mine, but i am fearful because i truly thought he was mine too. i know i need to step back from the situation, and instead of “love lukewarm”, i guess i need to “work lukewarm”? it doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it and really doesn’t convey what i mean fully, but it will have to do.

right now, i feel as though i have let the ball drop on everything else and become too dependent on it being a reality. i feel as though they are going to hire me for all of my experience and precise skills related to the job, however i have let myself and my life become to dependent on this outcome. i have been spending way more than i should in anticipation of a larger chunk of income and i have not been working as much on my previously planned money making ventures because i have reverted back to this state of being paralyzed in anticipation, waiting for the desired outcome to be announced.

the wort part of this, is that at these times, i tend to totally let any diet or exercise regimen fall to the wayside and indulge myself in whatever i desire, including fattening foods and excessive smoking while staying in bed all day with virtually no exercise. essentially failing to take care of myself properly. obviously i take it out on my body when i am in an upset or unsettled state and i need to acknowledge this and move past it.

i truly want to quit smoking and i truly want to lose the excess weight and become fit and happy with my body. i think i have truly wanted these things my entire life, but i don’t think i have consistently taken the steps to make it happen to the level i desire, especially not long term. i have to do something to change that which means examining why i cannot maintain a consistent, healthy adherence to a diet (even a loose one including ‘no fast food’) or exercise regimen. i think i start to feel successful and think “oh, i can do it, so i can put it off a little longer and indulge in gluttony a bit longer”. i am getting older now, i feel chest pains from time to time, and i have literally had a heavy weight on my back for the past 20 years that has suppressed me from truly being confident and comfortable in who i am and doing everything i have wanted to do. i am tired of that and i really don’t think the gluttony is worth it when i step back and look at it.

tomorrow is sunday, the beginning of a new week, like so many thousands of weeks before this one where i have promised it’s a new beginning. i would like this sunday to truly be a new beginning for me, where i consistently make an effort to care for my mind, body, and soul by adhering to a loose regimen of what i know is necessary to achieve the results i desire. this means exercising everyday in some way, even if it’s just a casual walk. taking my vitamins and supplements, eating greens and if not greens, vitamineral green in juice, no fast food and cook all meals at home…. oh yeah, and no smoking cigarettes! these simple things will enable me to flourish long term, yet i somehow always manage to find an excuse as to why it can be put off again until tomorrow and i can indulge one more day.

we aren’t promised tomorrow and i don’t want to die a fat smoker. i don’t want to live as a fat smoker anymore either for that matter. to sunday, july 5th 2009 being the last sunday i vow to begin loving myself fully and taking care of myself physically in the ways i know i should.

i love you.