i feel really happy right now. i feel like everything is going how it should be and what i am working for. of course i need to get more regimented, but i am moving, i am going to pilates, i am doing the things i need to do to get this job. i am talking to him openly and feeling secure in who i am and what i believe. i really feel great. i love that he is living his dream right now and still feels like he is not there. i love that he is not there yet, but is a little paranoid and nervous. i just love him and i am so happy that he is back in my life. i know i have to love lukewarm, but i feel so pleased with how my life is progressing at this point.

of course i want to be thinner and lose weight faster, but i am becoming happy from the inside out and it will come. i feel content with myself, who i am, and what i have to offer. i know i can be a great employee for this job, even being the girl that never wanted to be an employee or have a job. i know i will be really good and enjoy myself. i know i can be a good friend and have a good relationship with him.

i feel a shift in my perception of my relationship with him. i think its amazing to have a person like him in my life, someone that i can connect with so will, who understands me, who gets me so naturally. someone that i get so naturally, that i can relate to, that i can support, that i can uplift. it feels nice. i don’t really care how many other girls there are, i know that he does that for me and i can feel

lately, i have been longing for him more than i would like. i know that we are not for one another, but i know that i will always love him, under any circumstances. i have never felt so drawn to or intertwined with another person and i can’t comprehend the reason or the resistance – it’s as if he were a drug. of course my ego wants to know it’s not alone, and insecurities boiled to the surface because of it, but ultimately reciprocity is not important.

what i really long for is complete love for myself … which includes my body. really the focus is more on my body as that is really the only element i am not comfortable with in myself. i started going to pilates again and i am walking up to 4 miles per day. i haven’t been eating 100% raw as i would like, but i am feeling motivated and determined to accomplish the health goals and habits i have set out to achieve long-term.

i’m being lazy this morning, but i AM going to move my ass. i am going to get on my gear and go for a long, long walk. maybe i’ll even try to throw in a few sprints here and there. the point is that the time is now and i am so tired of saying i’m tired of being fat. no one wants an overweight or an obese woman to be their wife, their employee, or really even their friend. i mean, of course people see beyond that, but it’s still an issue.

i don’t have any fat friends. i thinks some of my female friends would prefer i stay fat. less competition. ugh. my legs are asleep from sitting on my ass so long. i need to get out of bed. no more lazy me. banana for breakfast then supplements and a long, long movement session around the parks.

play time is over. my health is deteriorating and the things i want most in this life i may never get if i do not take care of myself. the truth is that i am lazy and i love to indulge in excess. unfortunately it is visible in layers and layers of fat all over my body. fat that may prevent me from getting the man of my dreams, but also my dream job. i know the job is mine, but i want to feel confident and look beautiful. i don’t want to be a fat slob…. which is basically what i have been for the past several years.

no more. tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. green smoothies, exercise, waking up early, getting myself into a routine, taking my supplements, caring for my skin properly, regular showers, manicures, waxing, etc – basically just taking really excellent care of myself.

i deserve it and i want to present the best me possible. no more being lazy and indulgent – i don’t want to forfeit my real dreams and passions because i don’t put the work into myself i should.

i love myself and i will no longer neglect my body, mind, or spirit. it’s time for the true me to emerge from underneath this fat.