… or something like that. I have been working long hours. Probably working too much, not finding the right balance. I totally stopped going to the gym, I totally stopped waking up early, I totally stopped taking my vitamins, eating properly, taking care of my skin, wearing my invisalign, doing anything other than being glued to the computer and smoking cigarettes basically. I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I get so obsessed with it I just can’t make myself stop… and then I do and I sit and stare at the same thing for possibly hours and think about my next course of action. I feel I stall in this stage too long though. I am so exhausted and drained from all the work I put in the previous hours, I just stare at the screen blankly and think.

I know that I need to find balance. I need to be able to sustain these new projects and enjoy it long-term. This is not a get rich quick overnight success, it’s going to take some time. If you had followed through years ago when you started these projects, you would be much further along. Instead, you left them on the backburner to ‘get rich quick’ and made a few bucks, but ultimately the revenue decreased because you didn’t follow through. Yes, apparently I am talking to myself now on the blog. I see these other sites that are not as great as my vision that are highly regarded and achieving success and recognition. I KNOW I can do it, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

I am really pleased with the results I’ve been having on the community site. I have been tinkering with adsense, trying to make sense of why it makes virtually no money. I made a few improvements, the major one being removing ads for members, and it has made a huge impact on click-throughs. I also moved the ad placement to a more prominent location so I think that definitely plays a role, but I could never show that ad to members where it is located, they would kill me. 7 years later, I had an epiphany about how to work that collage into a design that is functional for the forum. I don’t know exactly how to do it, and I know I would spend hours and hours tinkering to figure it out, so I put out a call to the universe to find someone that can code it for me and make it super slick. Now, if only I could gain control of the FTP and update the old cow.

As for the fashion site, I am fairly pleased with the results so far. I have not been posting as many daily updates as I should, but I am still getting into the swing of things. I know I am going to have to work hard on it day and night for the next several months and I need to spend more time creating content than I do on link building and promotion. Those things will come with the quality content and I need to remember that.

One of the threads that has been running through my life lately is the idea of sharing. Moreso, the idea of sharing without expecting or receiving anything in return. Obviously I do expect to receive financial payoff at some point in time, but in the short-term, I am focussed on providing valuable content to visitors. I want to make them happy and when they are happy, they will like me. It’s all this big psychological fucked up way the universe works, but basically, it is very true. When you make others look good, it makes you look good by default. When you help others freely, others help you freely.

I would be gaining so much right now had I been more willing to share my knowledge when I was a seller. If I were willing to publish that and share my ’secrets’, it probably would not have impacted me as much as I thought it would and I would be reaping the rewards now. This isn’t about looking back and saying ‘Oh, woe is me’, it’s about learning that lesson from my past and not making the same mistake again in the future. I need to stick with my goals and my dreams, get past the tipping point, and see the success through. I know I can do it, it has just taken me some time to get to this point in my life.

I am pleased with the way things are progressing, if not a bit frightened. I have to put that fear aside because I know it will be okay and I know the things I am doing in my life are the right things. Building websites is my life – and I feel so strange typing out that sentence – but I really can’t imagine doing anything else. These are my property, my virtual real estate, and I need to keep them well manicured and do things to improve and increase the value of the entire neighborhood, not just my own hotels … I really wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I do enjoy it, so I need to relish in it.

I’m not going to write about how much I suck, because I am actually feeling quite proud of myself for all of the things that I have been doing, but I do think I still have plenty of room for improvement, and one of those areas involves writing regularly and keeping myself in check. This morning I had told myself that I was going to quit smoking, but of course, I woke up wanting a cigarette. I suppose I knew better, as I have had more success in the past if I put the patch on before I go to sleep so I don’t have that massive craving for nicotine first thing in the morning, but I was trying to be miss smarty pants and show my willpower and I lost. That sort of set the day off on on a less than ideal route and I’ve been lounging around reading all afternoon.

One thing is for sure, I am going to bed by 10pm tonight. I really want to head for bed around 9pm and be asleep by 10, but I absolutely need to wake up at 8am tomorrow to start my day and that is going to be difficult unless I just can’t stay asleep anymore. This is called adjusting your sleep schedule by brute force.

I wrote that earlier in the day and became sidetrack, It’s now 8:49pm and I am about to get ready for bed. I am disappointed in myself that I had such a lazy day and didn’t accomplish much, but I did read some good material, have some good meditations, and I feel rejuvenated and ready to start the week with a kick tomorrow morning.  I have pilates at 9am so I want to wakeup at 8 and eat breakfast around 8:15am. I am curious to see what the pilates class will be like and I hope that it is challenging. I think I should also plan to walk on the treadmill for at least half an hour. Otherwise, I should do the EFX. We’ll see how I am feeling based on the class.

After that I have a block of 7 hours and in that time I think I need to focus specifically on getting all of these eBay items listed and packed away. I should also unlock the iPhone with the latest software and reduce it’s listing price to something a bit lower. That will be the focus of the day and everything else needs to be turned off so I can just get it done. I read some motivational ideas on productivity today and have come across some inspirational sites in the last few days so I think everything is on track as it should be.

Aside from the smoking. I need to stop. I have to stop. I want to stop. So why do I continue? All of these things are crutches. They are just here to give me a false sense of confidence and control when they are the things that are really controlling me. Food and Cigarettes are my nemesis, yet I cling to them. I have been a lot better about eating. I have been losing weight and I think I will achieve my goal of being under 200 by the end of the month. So yay!

I want to lose a minimum of 10 more pounds before I go back to LA, but of course, I would prefer to work my ass off and lose more like 15-20. I know I can do it if I do all the right things, and I need to be doing those anyway to achieve 10, so why not shoot for more? I’m ready to be over this obsession with my body and just love it and take care of it. I know what it righteous and what is not, so why keep falling victim to the weakness?

I am ready to take over the world in my own way and tired of feeling like I have to hide myself. I hide myself and shy away from things because I am not confident in how I look. I am so exhausted from being overweight and unhappy with my body and how it effects every single thing I do every day and every hour of my life? I want to feel proud of everything I do and everything that I am, including my body, my work, my dreams, my motivations, everything. I can’t do that until I honor the commitments and keep the promises that I make to myself.

Tonight I am going to go to bed with a patch on. I am going to complete the 8 week program and not smoke a single cigarette. No cheating, no puffs here or there. No exceptions. I can do this. I know that it will be better for my body. I know that it will be better for my mind. I know that it will be better for me financially. There is no reason NOT to quit smoking cigarettes, other than I am addicted and it is a crutch. I will NOT use smoking as a crutch any longer. I want my lungs to be clear and free and I do not want to have the chest pains that I have been experiencing today. I am getting older and I cannot afford to continue on with these bad habits. I am just opening myself up to having more diseases and if I don’t try to reverse this now, I could not have as full and long of a life as I would like. Three of my grandparents died early of disease and I do not want the same to happen to me – or my parents.

While I am here I want to set a good example for my father and make an impact on him. It hurts me to see him smoking and drinking so much. He doesn’t get out of control or abusive or anything, but I know it is not good for his health. He doesn’t need to do it, but he’s retired now so maybe he is bored. Whatever the case may be, I don’t want to smoke anymore because I don’t want him to smoke anymore and I think I am being a hypocrite if I tell him not to smoke while I am continuing to smoke away. I don’t want my mother smoking either. It’s a terrible habit. I could sit here and blame them for allowing me to develop the habit, but ultimately I did it to myself. I don’t know if I would have become a smoker had they not been smokers when I was growing up, but I think it certainly contributed to my addiction and my belief that it was okay to be a smoker.