I started taking Kelp supplements on April 8, however I was not taking them consistently every day until April 20. On April 24, I started going to the gym and tracking my weight. Every day since then I have lost a half a pound per day consistently. I know it’s still too early to really tell if that is the culprit and if it will continue, however I am very hopeful and will definitely continue to take these daily.

I am taking them at night with my last dosage of vitamins and supplements. I already take a b-complex and rhodiola rosea in the morning for a little boost, so I think it’s fine to take it at night and let it absorb into my body. I have yet to really see any major improvements with the rosea, however it could actually also be a contributor to the weight loss I’ve been experiencing.

I will continue to take them everyday for a full month and see how I am feeling before I can really determine a difference. From what I have read, it actually takes awhile to build up in your system. I am definitely watching though.

I have the momentum and motivation and the time is now. I was down another .5 pounds this morning and I am so close to my first major goal. I am confident I will reach it by the end of the month. I know I am going to see a lot of progress over the next month and I am really excited to continue tweaking and improving so I can reach my 30th birthday goal. I am determined to do this! I want to look gorgeous and wear my beautiful clothes. I want to feel happy and confident in myself as I tackle the rest of my goals in life. I am excited to be moving back to Los Angeles and I am really looking forward to all of the new adventures that will unfold in my life.

I woke up late this morning and rushed to the gym. I wanted to try the NIA class, but when I got there, the instructor had food poisoning and although she tried, was not up to teaching the class. I decided to walk on the treadmill with an incline for half an hour and then I tried the “Arc”. I probably should have stayed longer, but I discovered that the left ear of my headphones had stopped outputting sound. I guess it was an excuse to leave early, but I had planned to take the NIA class and when that didn’t work out and then my headphones stopped working, I wondered what might be going on. Maybe today wasn’t my day to be there. I did get to see my mom before she left for her luncheon and I told her that she could try the gym for a week free.

I need to do some work today and not just write it off as a lazy weekend day. I have all of these different items to list on eBay and the sooner that is done, the better. I also need to downsize as much as possible, because the move is now, and I can’t leave these things inside my parents house anymore.

I have been watching the various Grey Gardens films and I don’t want to end up like Little Edie. I’m afraid I will if I don’t get serious about my body, my confidence, and conquer my fear of meeting and engaging men in relationships. I guess it’s not so much a fear of engaging anymore, but I need to put myself out there and date as many men as possible. I don’t even really know where to start, but I have to figure it out and become more comfortable with it. I have referred to myself as a hermit and I was reclusive. Part of that comes with feeling confident and comfortable in my body, having the appropriate clothes for the occasion, and looking good. I don’t like to leave the house otherwise and only make exceptions for close friends and family. I don’t like to engage with anyone I don’t already know if I don’t feel good about myself.

I need to work everyday to do things that make me feel good about myself. That means doing the RIGHT things. Eating properly, exercising, good hygiene, wearing my invisalign, taking my supplements – these are all simple habits that give me daily confidence in myself. When I let myself slip and become lazy, I feel miserable within myself and start to spiral downward. I don’t want that for myself so I can’t let it happen. I need to take one day at a time and really build these things as solid habits.

What does that mean for today? It means after this entry I am going to get up, eat some yogurt and puffins with green tea, take a shower, and clean my room. Then I will do SOMETHING on my To Do list, whatever I am in the mood to do. Now when does quitting smoking come into this equation? Why not tomorrow? It’s the beginning of a new week and I should be finished with the pack of cigarettes I currently have. I have an 8 week supply of nicotine patches and the time is now.

Everytime I keep a promise that I make to myself, I become stronger and more confident in myself. I need to continue to do this again and again and become the best me that I can be. I know I can do it and the time IS now.

Writing is what I need to be doing so badly now. I need to just get this out of my head and into words. It helps me sort things out and stay on track. Developing the habit is always the hard part, but once it’s there, it is such a great tool for me. I have been thinking a lot about my weight and my body. Thinking about the fact that I really am getting older. I don’t have unlimited time and I need to stop being so consumed by this struggle. I know deeply within myself that I can achieve whatever I desire, but there is obviously something about this particularly hurdle in my life that I keep tripping on every time.

I know how good I feel when I weigh closer to my ideal weight. I know how good I feel when I achieve weight loss goals for myself. I need to make it more about fitness and the diet changes that are permanent. I already know I don’t want to spend everyday in the gym on a machine. That is definitely not my style, but I also know it’s the quickest way to burn excess calories which I need to do in abundance now. I don’t want to be miserable anymore, I want the excess weight gone as soon as possible. For that, I am willing to go above and beyond and work my ass off for the next 126 days, going above and beyond what could be sustainable in terms of exercise, restricting my enjoyment of food to the very occasional, if ever, meal at a restaurant or somewhere other than my own kitchen.

Preparing all of my own food is quite possibly the easiest way to save money and calories. I don’t love to cook, and I am certainly less inclined to cook and eat something that I know is going to pack on the pounds, so I need to keep it simple. I am fine at the house eating basic things like oatmeal, yogurt, fruits, green smoothies, salad with grilled chicken. I am content to eat the same thing day in and day out for breakfast and lunch and then switch it up a little from time to time. I am okay with that and can function pretty successfully with that as my diet. The problem arises when I decide that I don’t want to cook or don’t have any food in the house and I decide to go out to eat. Going out to eat should be the exception rather than the rule for me, and for as long as I can remember, it has actually been a very regular, if not daily occurrence.

I have plenty of classes at the new gym to pack my schedule. I am planning to do one class in the morning and one in the evening and alternate the levels of intensity. Of course I will have to try them all out, but I think more is better in this case. I have a month to complete a few very basic tasks and I have the time to dedicate to exercising intensely, so I should just do it all biggest loser style. The turmeric that I take really helped with muscle fatigue, aches, and pains when I was doing Pilates Plus, so my hope is that it will continue to keep me going everyday. I actually do miss working out as it makes me feel really good.

i was just reading through some of my older entries and there was reference to the date that everything fell apart with him. i picked up my phone to scroll through my texts. i knew i had one with a time/day stamp from the day i saw him. i had thought it was may, but it turns out i was wrong. is it weird that the same day he finally called and the same day that we hung out was exactly a year later? just another reason why i can’t deny my connection with him.

i guess i haven’t written about how it all happened. it was april 11, almost midnight when the phone rang and it was him. i should rewind even further and explain how i ended up where i was. her boyfriend was coming and she didn’t want me to stay there so i booked a hotel on hotwire. when i arrived at the hotel over an hour later, they did not have my reservation. i was told they were supposed to receive a fax and could not check me in without it. frustrated and tired, i called hotwire to resolve the issue. i was told they would resend the fax and it should be there within a few minutes. ten minutes later, i called back and asked the woman to stay on the phone with me until it went through.  throughout all of this, a homeless couple came in looking to secure a place for the following night after they got a check from a local church. another man came in wanting to use a bathroom and then asked to see a room when he was denied. the manager made him leave a cash deposit while he went to look at the room. when the man left, i asked him about that and he said people would come in and take showers or use the restroom and then he would charge them for the entire night. after it not going through again, she called and spoke with the hotel manager to try to get him to check me in until the fax came through. i already knew what the answer would be after having over an hour to assess his character as people wandered in and out. the answer was no.

finally, the woman at hotwire apologized profusely, told me that this has never happened and they were just going to re-book me at a higher star hotel nearby and hotwire would cover the difference. pleased that the situation seemed to be resolving itself, i happily went to the hotel next door and waited as the representative from hotwire called the new hotel’s manager to make sure everything was straight and i would be allowed to check-in promptly. when i arrived, my phone was about to die, so i plugged into an outlet in the lobby and waited on hold. once she came back on, she informed me that they were awaiting the confirmation fax and i would be checked in shortly. another half an hour later and the supervisor came on the phone. he told me that he had tried everything, even asking the hotel to book it with his credit card directly, but they would not oblige. he apologized profusely, confessed his embarrassment, and offered me a full refund and a fifty dollar “hotbucks” credit to my account and suggested i book the hotel directly at their higher rate.

as this played out over several hours, i started to get the sense that it was all happening for a reason. i had no clue what it could be as i was in the valley in the middle of nowhere where i know nothing but my pilates studio, however, that feeling was planted. i called kels and asked if i could spend one more night and promised that i would sleep on the couch so as not to dirty up her freshy cleaned sheets. the next morning i decided that i wanted to secure a hotel for the evening and i would then look for places from the hotel on my laptop and i wouldn’t feel stressed or rushed. i went on hotwire and decided to go for a 4 star hotel in west hollywood/beverly hills because i had the fifty dollar credit and it made the hotel less than the previous nights 2.5 star.

as anyone who has used hotwire knows, you do not select the individual hotel, but an area and star level. there are so many hotels in the area, i had no idea where i would end up, but i figured a 4 star would be nice and i would feel good having a little pampering after shuffling all over the city. what a surprise it was when it was revealed that i was staying at le parc suites. le parc suites is the first place i ever stayed in los angeles, the first time i ever visited the city. courtney had flown me out and put me up there for several days. i remember feeling so chic and i still have a corkscrew with the hotels name on it to this day.

when i arrived, it was exactly as i had remembered. as i went to check-in, i noticed a large tour bus pulling off. again, i got this feeling that this was still happening for a reason, maybe something to do with him, but when i asked the valet who the tour bus belonged to, it was no one that meant anything to me. still, i had planned to go in, bathe, and put on my makeup. i wanted to be out and about looking beautiful, but i ended up feeling lazy and decided to stay in and relax. i was hungry so i went to the nearby 7-11 and bought a bag full of crap, only to decide i needed a hotdog while i was checking out. slightly embarassed but completely ravenous,  i ate the hotdog in the parking lot as i thought to myself how mortified i would be if he happened to see me.

back at the hotel, i made microwave food and scolded myself for it. i put on a mask and lounged around the suite getting ready for bed, snacking on chips. my phone rang. “bread in the oven bakin’…” , my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. it was pounding and i couldn’t bring myself to even pick up the phone. i had seen him online on messenger, but i definitely was not expecting a call. i had to calm myself, smoke a cigarette, smoke a spliff, do deep breathing as i ran around and jumped up and down like a giddy school girl. i couldn’t believe he was calling, that he called. today, tonight, now, of all times. and he left a message!

i decided to finish getting ready for bed and climb in before calling him back. talking in bed was something we did often and i was looking forward to it like christmas morning. i dialed his number and as it rang, i filled with anticipation… only to reach voicemail. i had only waited ten minutes to return the call, where could he be? brick wall. again. sigh. so i turned on the tv and tried to forget about it. a few minutes later, i received a text message. “what up?” … OMG OMG OMG. i called him back and it sounded like he was in a loud bar. i inquired and he confirmed, then asked where i was. i told him LA, but he didn’t relent and wanted to know where in LA. “oh, i’m in a hotel in west hollywood, where are you”. he responded that he was at barney’s beanery and my heart skipped a beat. that was walking distance from me and right next to the 7-11 i had visited only an hour earlier. i laughed at him and questioned why he would be there of all places. he said it was down the street from his hotel. he said his credit was about to be finished and i said i wasn’t done talking. he told me to come meet him for a drink. so i did.

so i think i have found a gym that i am going to go to for the next 30 days while i am in town. they offer tons of classes all day every day and i think i will be able to happily workout several times per day without getting bored. i have been eating pretty good, but i know that the key for me has always been the exercise. that is why a workout regimen is so important for me to stick to. i don’t want to just be skinny, i want to be fit and i want to have muscles, especially a killer stomach. is it too much to ask for great abs? well, i’d love a great ass too. my breasts are pretty much a lost cause, my 85 year old grandmothers might just look better than mine, my mother’s definitely do, and there is not really any getting around a surgery if i want them to stand up on their own. from experience, they only get worse with weight loss.

i need to commit to the exercise and just really go for it. i don’t have much else going on and i can easily fit it within my schedule. it’s not true to say i don’t have a lot going on, but i am flexible. i want to get all of my things organized and listed for sale by the end of the month so i can spend all of may finalizing and working on luxurate. 

i’ve decided to keep writing as often as possible, just to get in the habit, but also to chronicle my efforts. i am turning thirty at the end of the summer and i am determined to deal with these issues so the next thirty years of my life will not be clouded with body and confidence issues. i know this isn’t going to happen miraculously overnight, but i do know from experience that my confidence increases when i lose weight and become more comfortable with my body.

i know i need to be dating as much as i can. i need to get out there and experience men and find what really suits me. i don’t know that he is actually the one for me, but i’ll never know if there is someone else or for sure if it’s him unless i “shop” (as my mom would say) long and hard. i want to have a child in the next five years and i want it to be in a stable relationship with a man that makes me happy. i can’t do those things unless i get over my body issues and really put myself out there. 

i am beautiful, and i can be a triple threat with super confidence when i achieve this. there really can’t be a question or a delay anymore. this is my life and as the sign at brothers house says, “enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think”. i’m about to be a real, Real, REAL adult and it’s time to live my life to the fullest.

ps – i want to be under 200 by may 1 and i think it’s entirely achievable. only 2 pounds in a week? i can totally do that!

throughout my life, i have repeatedly been told that i should write. i don’t think i am a bad writer, but it’s never been a passion. more specifically, i’m always told i should write a book. by all types of people for all sorts of reasons. i tend to think this was a somewhat silly and pompous notion, but lately i’ve been thinking about it more seriously. i have many stories to tell and last night i had an epiphany. it became perfect clear to me what would be the glue to hold his book together. the anecdotes of my life and my struggle with the constant reminder that EXCESS MATTERS.

this morning when i sat down to write about the book, the title of the book looked me straight in the eyes. excess matters. sure, i’ll have to come up with some witty tagline, like ‘excess matters : 25 years in a fatsuit’… but the premise will be the stories that make up my life and how being in a fatsuit for all of it effected my confidence, self esteem, and ability to really ENJOY my life.

often times, i wake up from a dream due to an alarm, a phone call, etc. and i find myself wanting to continue the dream so i try to go back to sleep. this occasionally works, but usually ends up causing a twist or a turn that is not always in my favor. 

i hope to start writing more about my dreams. last night i had a particularly interesting and long, drawn out, woken up a few times in the middle dream. i should have written when i first got up. i just remembered this dream because there was someone making 2 bags of popcorn in the dream and i came up behind them and was conversing with them as to why. i’m just looking for healthy snack ideas and popcorn was on the list. obviously this triggered the memory of that aspect in the dream.

the part i woke up to, was that kels had begun texting and talking to him. i was upset about it and obviously i have some issue feeling threatened by her. i know its my own shit, but she just always has such a keen interest in him, it has always bothered me. i barely remember the details now, but i do remember feeling like she was keeping it from me. i felt betrayed and left out. 

then i remembered the earlier part and the setting of the seen. i was with kels in a city like new york and she was studying for her finals. we must have been staying at a hotel, because we had a hotel room that i went to and called him after i found out she had been texting him. in the beginning of the dream, i went to go look for something and i was carrying my chanel marais tote. i was walking around a corner when two men came up to me and began trying to get things OUT of my purse. they were also trying to take the bag itself, but more than anything they were trying to get at something inside of the purse. i fought them off for quite awhile and called for help. i’m not sure if anyone ever came to help, but they eventually left and i still had everything intact. 

i likened him to the chanel bag. when i relayed that comparison to satsuma, he asked me if the bag was black and indeed it was. not only black, but big, rough, AND black. 

i’ve officially lost more than 10 pounds so i should probably congratulate myself on the progress, even if it is not as much as i would have liked. it is progress. only a few more pounds to go to reach my first major goal and i am pretty certain i can achieve that goal by the end of the month if i really put my heart into it. considering a piece of my heart is suddenly back on the scene, that should make things a little easier as long as i channel this as positive energy.

although i have slacked off on the pilates this week, i am looking forward to finishing it up with a solid 2 workouts thursday and friday. they will be my last 2 and i am really going to miss these classes, but i need to do what i need to do. i think it might be a good idea to have a plan for austin, walking everyday should certainly be included. i need to do more though, i need to keep up the muscle definition. i guess researching exercise options in austin would be a good move.

i need to have a green smoothie again tomorrow and start the day off with my bowl of oatmeal. i was doing so well with taking my supplements at every meal and washing my face twice a day, but now that i have been uprooted, i am finding it difficult to stick to my regimen. maybe i need a home, a stable place to have some semblance of routine. tomorrow morning, i am going to wake and make my oatmeal and tea. i will take my morning supplements and play scrabble. 

i should go ahead and start wearing the patches that i was sent. i will know immediately if they are placebo or not and if not, then i have been chosen to quit smoking WITHOUT any sort of crutch. i know that i can quit smoking so i need to just do it. i will feel so much better about myself and it will be the first and easiest step in completing a MAJOR goal for myself. i can’t magically get skinny over night, but i can become a non-smoker overnight. so, it’s settled. tomorrow i quit smoking forever and ever. 

i want my heart and my heart needs me to love myself.